If you like romantic comedy girl, you’ll LOVE 50 First Dates Girl. Why? Because she’s me! I’m going to go on 50 first dates and blog about them.  I’ve already been on my first one. Check it out at www.50FirstDatesGirl.com

Now you can watch a real life “happily ever after” unfold. Be sure to comment and share on your social media sites, because this is a grass roots effort and I’m recruiting YOU!

I’ll still be back here writing again when I’m feeling the need for fiction, which may be often

That’s right, Ladies, I want to know what you’ll do with him! It’s all I’ve been hearing about from my girlfriends!!! My single ones are already declaring, “I’m going to have to have sex after that movie!” So they are busy going through their smart phones trying to figure out which guy in there is worth all the re-connection drama, for a booty call. My married friends are saying, “My husband better be ready when I get home!!!”

First of all, to my married friends, here’s a suggestion: Have your husband drop you off. Yup, that’s right. Call a babysitter if you need one, but he’s going to have to stop watching baseball or CNBC, and drop you off. Tell him it will be worth it. Why? Because THEN he has to pick you up. And when he does, you are going to be all kinda worked up.. trust me, I’ve seen the rated X trailer, even if these guys couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag- which they all can- bonus- you will leave READY for sex!!

Okay.. back to the topic at hand. When your hubbie comes to get you, have him bring a tie or a scarf, or for you Fifty Shades fans- a belt, to bind your hands for the entire drive home. DO IT! Listen to me, married friends, you’ve been complaining for years about how your sex lives have gone to the wayside for one reason or another, so here is your chance for a reboot! It’s DOUBLE the anticipation. First, you’re sitting in a movie all fired up, THEN you’re in the car, where you’d like to be all over him, but you can’t because your hands are tied. Your angst, is a turn-on to him, so while he may have been skeptical at first, he is now on board!  When he gets you home, it’s up to the two of you to take it from there…

Single girls. Hmmm. Do you really want the drama that comes with booty calls of the past? I think this calls for a better plan. You have 8 days. Go back to the health club you’ve been avoiding and find a hot front desk kid, trainer, yoga instructor… make sure he’s single and young (but legal) … and not terribly bright, and start flirting. If you need a backup, go to Abercrombie at the mall, you’re bound to find one there. Then after a few days, be straight with him. Say, “I’m going to see a movie on Friday night, I’d like to see you after for an hour or so.” Go to his place or a cheap motel. He should NOT know where you live (or he becomes one of the drama boys in your smart phone!). Do NOT sleep over!

And for all the single girls who will want to have sex but won’t because they’ll feel slutty, be sure to stop by Target and get yourself a detachable shower head with adjustable jets!

All that said, you Ladies realize that these places DO exist off of the movie screen right? And the guys there are hot, like in the movie!  Maybe we need to take the girls night out from Book Club to the Thunder Down Under. Just saying.

I believe that’s all the advice I have for now. You can stay tuned for my review in eight days which I’m eagerly counting down.. and by eagerly I mean I’m watching a White Collar marathon…

©2012 

Yesterday, while out shopping I received 4 emails within 10 minutes from the same 56-year-old, who wrote to me in all bolds with tons of spelling errors. Each email getting more irate because I had “read” his email and not written back. Part of me wanted to put him out of his misery and explain that I was reading his email on my cell phone and couldn’t write him back from my phone.. except I couldn’t write him back from my phone! Then, a few hours later, while at dinner with a friend, I received 5 more emails from him. I made a point to visit the site this morning for the first time in weeks JUST so I could block him! Then I had a live chat with a Match Help Guy about the logistics of reading emails from my phone and how it appears on Match. Final decision: I will no longer be receiving emails from Match. When I have time to look at the site, I will catch up on everyone, so no one has to feel like I have read their email and ignored them.

Anyway… on to more important things. Yesterday, I was driving behind a young couple and we stopped at a red light. The couple immediately started kissing. It was so nice. Why don’t more people kiss in cars? It’s so romantic. You’re both in the car, there’s all this “love tension” between you… you can’t wait to get to a light and when you do.. BAM! Kissin’ time!

I think we need to start a campaign, get some bumper stickers going. If you are part of a couple, make a plan to start kissing in the car. Romance has to be kept alive in relationships, and all my couple friends blame lack of time and energy for it disappearing. Well, you only have about 90 seconds at a traffic light. Go for it!

Sister brought back the slang term “Word!” I want to bring back “kissing in cars.” I will be doing it with my dog until I meet my Match.com man, but until then Big B will do!

©2012 

“RCG, you need to be on Match.com!”

I tried to argue for a minute, but there’s no arguing with him. He’s too smart, and any attempt to argue with him is futile. I aired my few concerns (sure it was many, but then, as he shot them down one by one, I kept it at the big few), and he “coached” me on how to successfully approach Match.

Rules:

1. Do not write back to anyone I am not interested in.. just delete.

2. Do not lie on my profile or say what I think they want to hear. And DO write what I want.

3. Go on once a day, max. Set my time and that’s it. Do not treat this like a second job. It isn’t one!

So I have been following the rules. I only had one little “breaking” of # 1, but in my defense, it was Day 23 of my cycle, and Comcast Mark can tell you not to mess with me on day 23 (you’ll have to dig through the archives for that one). Here’s how it went down:

Contact #1 “Too good: You actually sound better than I could imagine. Yes……I just got here from NYC………let’s talk and see…kenny”

Contact #2 (He followed that up 15 minutes later with): “I had to write to you again. I really like your eyes and your face is expressive. Just wanted to let you know. More info is available on my website. Check _______ * on google. I’m the head guy. Kenny”

*had to leave that blank for privacy reasons, but his site is all about his medical practice.

Contact #3 (He followed that up an hour later with): “Confused I’m new to this thing. But I’m confused as to emailing potential matches. If I send you an email, you read it, but you never check out my profile, what was the sense? I know you read them, but you didn’t even write back to see if or who I really am. I became a doctor for many reasons and I live a great life now, but I am looking to have even more meaning. I’m from the NY suburbs too, and we live now really close. My real question is: if you met me and didn’t like me, well, I can understand that. But, you are on this site and we are here to meet some potential people that we can relate to …….so if you can explain your thought process, I would appreciate that I fo. Thans in advance…….and I still think you are very attractive and my type! Kenny”

So I wrote back later that night when I got back home and was doing my one hour a day max on Match, with: “Kenny, I have no idea if you are for real about being new to this, and wanting feedback. I’m going to assume you are, and grant your request. In the hopes that you meet a great woman, here’s my blunt truth:

1. I have no idea how it is that you concluded that I read your emails, as this is the first time I’ve been on the site today. You have written to me three times in the last 2 hours. In my opinion, that makes you either needy or pushy, both are qualities that are not attractive to me. So, for future reference, if you’re trying to attract women who like those qualities, keep doing what you’re doing. If not, once a day is enough, and no more than 3 emails if they don’t write back.

2. I can only speak for myself, but I’ve been on this site for just two weeks, in which time I’ve received over 400 emails from men. If I had to write back to every one of them, I’d have to quit my job. When I’m not interested, I don’t write back. I know many of my friends feel the same way.

3. I didn’t need to read your profile because your AGE pops up right next to your picture. My age range pops up right next to mine. Your AGE is 62. MY AGE RANGE is 40-50. See the discrepancy? I DON’T want to date a 62-year-old… period!

Therefore, Kenny, “the sense” of writing to women, is to take the chance that they will write back. It is not a guarantee. However, respecting their desires in a Match, will help your odds.

Also, the repeated mentioning of your being a “doctor” comes off as pompous to me. Again, some women may swoon at the thought, so don’t change a thing if those are the types of fish you’re looking to reel in.

Final piece of information: There is a feature where you can block people if you feel bothered by them. After I send this, I plan to use it. So, good luck with your search.”

Other than that, I had one strange phone call with a guy, who confessed to being 5 years older than my age range as well as having posted pictures from “days of yore.” Then he started asking personal sexual questions, which were completely out of line for a first conversation, at least they are in my opinion, as someone who is looking for a relationship. He’s history!

BUT… I did go on my first date and he was not only as adorable as his picture, he was also funny, interesting, smart, AND a gentleman. It was only a first date, so I know better than to get excited, BUT, I am still a little excited…

©2012 

John asks: “Hey RCG, I have a follow up question.  Do MEN need to shave? I’m recently re-entering the dating scene, and I’ve been told by someone I trust that I simply must shave.  Not a trim, clean shaven.  I’ve never done that… Ever. Not that I had much chest hair, that can go, but not looking forward to irritating the boys. Thoughts?”

Here are my thoughts…

Hair on the head is sexy, body hair… not so much. It’s coarse in most places, and just plain wiry in others.  How do I write this next part without being gross? Hmmm.. How about an analogy?

I LOVE egg salad sandwiches, however, if I get even the tiniest shell in my mouth, I’m completely grossed out, gag city, I’m done! CLICK TO TWEET

Even if it was the first bite of the sandwich, I’m not eating anymore, in fact my appetite is ruined. I may go so far as to be off egg salad for a while, and one thing’s for sure– I am never ordering egg salad in that restaurant again.

So should you shave the boys clean, John? Well let me ask you… Do you want to risk having your sandwich shop shut down? It’s a big risk, John. Then again there are girls out there who get freaked out over silky smooth, hairless, twig n berries. I for one am not one of them. I like hairless.

Now, you mentioned the chest. As I said, hair “down there” is of a specific texture, one I find tactily [derived from the word tactile, although I may have just made up that derivation] undesirable. Hair on the rest of the body is dependent on the man. Some men have soft baby fuzz hair, but they are rare. Most have somewhere between coarse and bristly. In fact just writing about mens’ body hair is turning me off. Let’s take a moment to flash back to last week…

I was in yoga (of course I was) and Rocker Yogi (yes, I am still taking his class obsessing over how many times he will touch me during the course of the hour) was wearing shorts and a tank top. His legs are perfectly smooth! I don’t know if he shaves, waxes, or is naturally hairless, but I could not keep my eyes off of them. I wanted to lick his calves like an ice cream cone. There is something about smooth body parts that cause a Pavlovian effect in me.

That said, John, that is MY personal taste. The less hair, the more area I want to cover. The only exception to that rule is facial stubble. I LOVE IT! But… there is a very small window between smooth, stubble, and wiry funky face. Once you leave stubble and head into wiry funky face, you start rackin’ up crumbs and fuzz all up in it. Yuck.. I want no part of that.

I may have a solution that will put your “boys” at ease temporarily.  Don’t guess.  If you’re just getting back out there in the dating world, a girl who’s down in that region on the first date, maaaaaaay not be dating material. So, find a girl who wants to talk on the first date, and bring up this “crazy chick who writes a blog, and says that all men should shave all over.” See what her response is. You can tailor your trimming to your dates’ desires. Although if you’re multiple dating and they have different desires, you are going to have to space out your dates accordingly. (Note, milk makes your hair grow faster).

To wrap up: Male grooming (aka Manscaping) is a very personal thing from a woman’s perspective so you’re going to have to find out what makes your lady happy before committing to a Russian waxer.

Dear Abby is definitely rolling over somewhere…

©2012 

My favorite script I’ve written examines soulmates, and like in any great romantic comedy, the couple who is meant to be has their happily ever after.

Letters to Juliet had both elements of what I want most and what I fear most.  Sophie, a young writer finds a letter written to “Juliet” that had been written 50 years before. As is customary for the letters written to Juliet, someone writes back to each and every one. Sophie, wrote back to Claire, 50 years later saying that she didn’t know how her life turned out but What If…

What I want most, is Sophie’s ending, she seized the day, she spoke up and declared her love to the young man she had fallen for, and didn’t have to wait 50 years. What I fear most, is what if I don’t find my young man, because like Claire, I found mine so many years ago and our destinies have taken us in different directions?

I like to write romantic comedies because you get a happy ending. Yes, Claire and her true love found each other 50 years later, and in good movie form, though their destinies had taken their lives in different directions, by the time they’d found each other, they were available to love each other again.

It can weigh heavily on your mind if you’re a movie junkie like me, which I know so many of you are. We watch the movies and wish our lives were like them. That the ups and downs are all worth it because in the end we find ourselves with the right guy, the love of our lives. But in the mean time, with so many movie themes, it can get confusing. Two great love stories in Letters To Juliet. One has true love right now, one waited 50 years. I suppose I could wait 27 years to find out if my destiny lines up with the one who got away, but what to do in the mean time. I don’t want to settle for good not great, and how do you find great when you’re holding out hope for 27 years from now. And how do you let go of 27 years from now, when there’s that possibility?

I suppose I could write a romantic comedy about that, though at the moment it doesn’t feel very comedic. At least I’d be guaranteed a happy ending

What do you think? Should I write it?

©2012 

At the moment, you could stick my head in the oven and a bread would come out, it would be a hairy bread, but a bread nonetheless.

I combined a banana, 1 egg, 3 tablespoons of honey, 3 tablespoons of milk, and 5 tablespoons of olive oil.

In the first 5 minutes it felt a little itchy. Now 15 minutes in, I’ve had to stuff a tissue in my ear, because the greenish brown concoction has oozed it’s way out of the saran wrap, through the towel and into my ear. I better not wake up with a bug picnic happening in my ear tonight!

The pictures in Self Magazine make home “spas” looks so glamourous. My arms are sticking to my laptop as I type this because I have honey on them despite washing several times.

5 minutes until I shampoo!!!!

I have now stuffed an additional wash cloth under the towel to stop the dripping down my neck. I am suddenly concerned that when I take B out for a walk later I’m going to be swarmed by bees!

UPDATE:

I just got out of the shower, and here’s what went down:

Banana is not the greatest thing to wash out in your tub. I had to keep cleaning out my hair cover because the banana was stuffing it up. Then my head became something out of a sitcom. You know when a person on a sitcom puts too much laundry detergent in the washing machine and the suds don’t stop… that was my shampoo.

Normally my shampoo barely suds at all, but just now the size of the suds monster on my head almost doubled the size of me!!! Where the heck did all of those suds come from? And they were firm! I have a mirror across from my shower so I was making fantastic crowns and animals out of them. Then I washed out the shampoo and figured I better do it twice. Same thing! Suds monster!!! The conditioner was far more mellow.

Once I rinsed and exited my shower, it was easy to get the brush through… good. But upon further inspection of my brush, I noticed, lots of bitty bits of banana in the bristles. I cleaned my brush and ran it through my hair. Less bits, but still bits. I can only assume there is still banana in my hair. Good thing monkeys aren’t indigenous to my area.

The ends of my hair feel great. It’s still wet, but overall, I think the homemade mask was a success.

Now for all of you gals out there who have a man, I think this can be a really fun couples exercise. Your man gets to massage all the food into your hair, and rinse it in the shower… kind of like Nine and a Half Weeks meets Splash…

If you go for it, tell me how it turns out…

©2012 

WARNING: This is about to be a rant…

I was out with two of my girls this weekend, we were at a fishing competition (my first, wasn’t a big learning curve) at a beautiful marina. And of course where there are beautiful marinas there are beautiful boats. I know nothing about boats, except that I like to be on them out in the water. The girls on the other hand, knew a lot about boats, so when given the opportunity to check one out, they jumped at it.

I didn’t object, there was a hot 26-year-old on the crew..

We get to the boat and the girls went off on a tour. I think you all know me well enough by now to know I’m suspicious by nature. You’ve got to earn my trust, so I wasn’t following anyone inside the boat! Especially when I’m certain, that these guys have their “boat groupies” routine well rehearsed. I just kicked off my flip flops and sat down, and like on a plane, was well aware of my exit strategy.  What I didn’t know was that I was going to be needing a barf bag (figuratively, this is not going to get gross).

It was in this very spot that I met the owner and captain of the boat. He called himself Bandit. I would like to describe him as an “old, sleazy, d-bag” but I think he’s my age, so I’ll just say he’s a sleazy d-bag! Still,  I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt when he started flirting with me and chalked it up to his alcohol consumption, because his wedding band was so glaringly obvious. Now don’t get me wrong, EVEN if he were not married, I would not touch this guy with a ten foot fishing pole, but he was married, and y’all know I feel about cheaters! SLEAZY D-BAG!

And hence, the blowing of the smoke began. My two girlfriends quickly determined who they were “hangin’ with” for the evening, which left me to fend for myself, which unfortunately meant “fending off” the Bandit. This had to be done delicately because:

1. We were on his boat and my girls were now out of sight

And

2. I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist and they make for nasty drunks.

The closer he got, the faster I’d move to a new location, which on a boat that I would not go inside of, didn’t give me much room. I SO BADLY wanted to tell this guy exactly what was on my mind, but to do so would have meant making a quick exit and I still had two unaccounted for girlfriends. Climbing up the stairs and sitting between the first and second story, gave Bandit no room to get next to me (and a great view of Hot 26 who by now had showered and was wearing a white t-shirt that fit him so well I just wanted to slide my hands up under it… but I tangentalize). Bandit was doing his best to sing his own virtues of being a Southern Gentleman. When that didn’t work, he tried impressing me by telling me his boat cost him 7 million (any man who has to drop money to impress is instantly unimpressive to me). Then he offered me a water even though I was holding a bottle in my hand. At this point I made a tactical error. I accidentally spent a little too long undressing Hot 26 with my eyes, and Bandit noticed.

He asked me if I was interested in Hot 26, “because if I was, he would back off because he didn’t want to be in the way.”  I knew it was a tactical error because I was trained to read body language and listen to tonality, so while his words were quite gracious, his tone had that quality of forcing niceness, you know that tone, when someone sounds like they want to spit on you while sporting a smile on their face? And his body language, he was peacocking big time! I knew at that moment, if I went anywhere near that kid, this ego-maniac was going to throw down the hammer of Thor. I did not want my lascivious eyes getting him in trouble, so I looked the Bandit straight in the eyes, smiled and said, “Nope, I’m just here to look out for my girls and drink your water.”

That seemed to appease him. Then Shakira (I named her that cause her hips don’t lie and she’s as hot as Shakira) and her man came out of the boat’s interior and wanted to go upstairs. Bandit asked me if I’d seen upstairs, and I told him no. Not seeing a way out of this as the three of them were blocking my escape, I climbed up, and like a mouse being chased by a cat, quickly made my way around the area and back down the stairs.

Finally, free of him! And free to let my eyes gaze…

Seriously, Hot 26 must have thought I was such a CT, because I knew I couldn’t touch him. It was solidified for me when I was sitting next to him, his shoulder up against mine, warming my entire body, when the Bandit popped his head out, offered Hot 26 something (which Hot 26 declined), and then, with that same bitter tonality joked, “Why not, you already took my Baby.” That’s what he’d been calling me all night.

Dang it. At that moment I knew the kid was screwed. I was reprimanded by my girlfriends for not making a move on Hot 26, and for not giving him my number, but I wanted him to be able to look the Bandit in the eye and honestly be able to say NO, if asked if he got my number. And everyone could see nothing physically transpired between us. So, I’d hoped the kid was off the hook (pun intended).

The next day, Hot 26 wouldn’t even say hello to me. It totally sucks being the voice of reason, looking out for someone, but I can’t tell him I’m looking out for him or he’ll tell me that it’s cool, just to “get some” when I know that to give him “some” no matter how great that “some” would be, would just not be worth it to him when the aftermath hit!

So here I am getting the stink eye from him at the dock party, when who slithers in? Captain Bandit. Well, now I’m not on his boat, so I was done blowing smoke. I was back to being his baby, so it was time to make it perfectly clear to this C Blocker that I most certainly was not and would never be!

My first tactic was to be polite. I pointed out the ring on his finger, and told him, that I had no interest in a married man. Shakira was now at my side since her guy was with the Bandit, and asked me to join her when the Bandit suggested that we move up to the Tiki Bar to get into the shade. Thinking I’d made myself clear, I followed.

I had not made myself clear, as he quickly began referring to me once again as his baby. I used my second tactic, s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g it out for him. “I am NOT your baby, and will not be your baby, and you have another night ahead of you, so you better get out there and find yourself another baby!”

This did not work, he started talking to me about how he was going to hire a driver for me and a car.  ”Sleazy D-Bag, while I’m sure you have plenty of insecure wanna-be-gold-diggers falling at your married feet, I am not one of them, and your gross money dropping tactics are just making me want to punch you in the face to shut you up!”

Unfortunately those were fictional quotes, as in that’s what I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t because my momma raised me better, so onto my third tactic, visual imagery and metaphor. I pretended I was holding a fishing rod and casting it out and explained that he had cast out his bait, I had not taken it, he reeled it back in, and had nothing, (I’m physically acting this whole fishing metaphor out for him as well as for Shakira’s guy, in case he could explain it better), so now you need to cast your reel out again, or you’re going to wind up without a fish on your hook.

To this the Bandit responded, “Well I think you’re my baby,” To which I responded, “Well, I’m not!” To which he responded, “I like to just think you are then.” To which I responded with tactic four, walking away rudely, never saying goodbye.

Maybe the Bandit saved me from myself.  I’d been vowing to stay on the “off the Under 30″ Wagon, and for this kid, I would have jumped off the wagon head first into the mud cause he made me want to get dirty!!!

Effin Bandit!

Now, if you don’t watch the show there is also a huge sex factor in, so huge that porn is introduced in the second season. But it’s not porn, it’s a scripted tv show with a B storyline possibly even a C storyline about porn for a few episodes.

I just happened to be watching one of those episodes when…

First let me sidebar and say that I am one of those people who tips the mailman and  knows the UPS guy. Yes, I believe in being friendly to people you see on a regular basis and therefore I know my UPS guy by name and we always have a light banter when he comes… which is often because I’m like Steve Martin in Bowfinger AFTER Chubby Rain.

Why did I just tangentilize? Because when UPS guy came yesterday, I was 3 hours deep into watching Californication, so when he rang the bell, I hit pause and went to greet him.

Oddly, he dropped the package at my front gate and scampered away before I could say hello. Not like him. Very strange, or so I thought, until I turned around to walk back to my house and noticed that my plantation shutters were open and the screen was paused on Daisy (the pornstar)… full frontal nudity.

OY! I looked like I was watching porn in the middle of the afternoon. Not that there’s a more appropriate time to watch porn, or if there is I wouldn’t know because I don’t watch it! My UPS guy thinks I’m a perv! This is awful!!

Here’s my plan.. I am going to put a DVD of Lady and The Tramp in the DVD player and pause it on the spaghetti scene and wait until he comes back. I’m an innocent.

It’s so Hank Moody to get me into an embarrassing situation like this! Anyway, on to season 3… with the shutters CLOSED!