Seriously spammers! I Do Not Want a Replica Watch

I get 30 of these a day:

ReplicaWathes.H2@insertaddressherebecauseit’salwaysdifferent. It tells me that “It’s.time!” as if a snob like me would by a fake watch as a gift! Now wearing one is a whole ‘nother story. I like to see what Sister spends her ‘big’ money on and then get the knock off.. but not from a spammer!

I don’t know how to block spam. I’m a girl. And I’m discovering that as such, there are things that I do differently than guys. One being, I don’t know how to block spam. So I must suffer through tons of stupid penis enlargement and cheap drug offers daily.

I also don’t organize the files in my computer, which means I could have the same file in 4 different places, if not more. Then I get a message that I’ve used up all of my space on my hard drive and have to remove things, and I have no idea what that means, so a guy will come over and tell me what a mess my computer is before he tells me how to fix it… which I’ve already forgotten. I have more important things to do on my computer like watch Glee on Hulu so I don’t have to deal with fast forwarding commercials.

And let’s discuss my new car. I decided to go green from an SUV to a cute little hybrid. I have NO FRICKIN’ IDEA how to use this car! I know the night I bought it, the sales guy gave me all kinds of information:

1. How to program the phone so I can go through bluetooth. With his help I programmed the three numbers I know by heart; my sister’s cell, my parent’s home number and their cell. Which means that my parents and sister hear from me constantly because they’re the only ones I can call when I’m driving… and in LA you do a lot of driving. I tried to add in a few more friends the other day and mayhem broke out. I could swear the lady giving instructions was raising her tone! I was so afraid I was going to lose the three numbers I had, that I just turned off the car and prayed whatever I had just done would be forgotten and the mean lady’s voice would stop asking me questions.

2. What the buttons mean. But I can’t remember what the buttons mean. Apparently this is dangerous, because I thought I remembered what the buttons meant, but apparently the one I pushed was not what I thought. You see, my car has 3 buttons. One is for driving on electricity only. That’s for when I ‘m in a garage and don’t want to kill people with my car toxins. For some reason when I press that button in garages, it never seems to be “available.” I wasn’t aware that car functions got time off. The second button is “Eco” this one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I’m in a video game. If I stay within a certain range on one of the “…dometers” on my dashboard, I am getting the best milage, and I can watch the numbers go up telling me what great gas milage I’m getting. The problem with this, is that I drive a bit like a grandma when first accelerating which annoys other people and causes them to honk at me (*see 3), and the other problem is that I spend way too much time with my eyes on my ‘video game’ rather than the road. Dangerous. The third is the power mode. Now I was under the recollection that this button was for when I was going down hill, and I didn’t want to use up my breaks, I press that and it downshifts, in a sense, by itself. Big time wrong. So there I was driving down steep and windy Laurel Canyon and thought instead of riding my break, I’ll press power mode. I guess the name should have been a give away because it was as if my car turned into a Delorean… it took off!! I was scared for my life and then thought perhaps it’s the B on my tiny joystick (yes this car has a joystick via Intelevsion 1984, instead of the big gear shifts or side gear shifts that my old car has, which is why I keep turning on my windshield wipers instead of going into drive). The joystick has 3 modes: R for reverse, D for drive and B that could be for the downhill breaking, but at this point I’m too scared to find out.

3. Also, I can’t figure out where my horn is! The other day a jerk was honking at me and I wanted to honk back, so I looked at the little icon on my steering wheel that resembled a horn and as I held it down the only thing that happened was my satellite radio station got blaringly loud.  Apparently THAT button was not a horn, but my radio volume.

4. I was embarrassed by a valet last night. The sales guy taught me how to lock up my glove compartment and trunk by taking apart my keyless key. As I got out and handed the valet my key, he informed me that I had to give him the computer piece, not the thin key part that I disassembled. Logic should have told me that. If I lock the car with the thin key part, why would I then hand it over to the valet? But who has time to think about that when you’re wearing 5″ heels?

Guys solutions to all of the above is to read about it. Read the driver’s manual, read your help page on your host site to tell you how to get rid of spam, Google how to organize your data files. HOW BORING IS THAT?

Did I mention I finished reading the Carrie Diaries? I love it. No matter how old I get, I still love reading books about highschoolers. I’m also almost done with my ginger bubble bath, which is not a strange tangent.  I read the book in during my bubble baths, which reminded me I have to go buy a new scent. I’ve already done ginger, vanilla, and lavender. Any good suggestions?

© 2010

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