I had a phobia of needles until a few years ago. I remember two boys in the eighth grade used to chase me around our classroom with a textbook opened to the page with a syringe on it and I’d nearly pass out. Then it dawned on me one day as I lay on a sheet covered table, naked from the waist down, one leg up against the wall, the other stiffly draped over a robust Russian woman, who was pasting hot wax on my inner thigh with a tongue depressor… “ah, how nice and warm the hot wax felt,” but then she put the cloth strip on it and my body tensed, and in those seconds of anticipation to the RIIIIIIIIIP.. I thought, “I’m about to let her do this at least 19 more times, probably more, on the most sensitive area of my body, lasting at least 25 minutes, and I’m scared of a 1 second prick from a needle in my arm?!”
And that was it. I was cured of my needle phobia, but not of my need to get waxed. Now I don’t do it for myself. I would take an out-of-control thigh creeping bush, any day over 25 minutes of my ‘precious place’ being burned, torn and tortured, but I do it for men. And it’s not just me ladies… I don’t have a friend who doesn’t do it.
The question is, do men care? Seriously, do they give a rat’s ass? Here’s why I ask. Most women I know get the full on Brazilian, aka- bald as a baby. But then, they are confused when their men ask them to leave a little triangle. I’ve been there, it’s confusing, because Playboy magazine and icon Pamela Anderson, taught me that no hair is sexy… yet the guys are asking for a triangle. Hmmm.
Further into my investigation, enters Jennifer Love Hewitt, who talks to Chelsea Handler (goddess) about her vajooge (pronounced vah-juh-ge, see RMC’s glossary) and how she gets it vajazzled. In case you haven’t heard of this procedure it’s like getting your cell phone be-dazzled only instead of crazy glueing gemstones to metal, you’re vagina gets decorated in rhinestones.. how they stay on, I do not know.
Here’s the thing, vajazzling girls THINK they’re doing it for their man, but really they’re doing it for their girlfriends. I’m not wrong. Think about it. After Love told Chelsea about her bejeweled vajooge, it’s all Sister, Best Friend, and I could talk about. And if one of us had done it, it would have been as hot as buying a new Louis Vuitton bag. We would have squealed in joy, asked to see the dazzling dark place, maybe even dared to poke at it, just to see if they’d fall off.
Now, what do you think would happen, if a guy went to his three best friends and said, “My girl had the prettiest heart made out of fake diamonds glued to her vagina.” I’ll tell you what would happen- he’d have the crap beat out of him for being a ‘P-word’ for vajooge.
So gals, if you really want to do something for your guy, dye those pesky pubes of yours mold colored, and then spray your ‘special place’ with sulfer, because nothing would make your guy sound cooler to his friends, than for him to go back and say, “Yo, I don’t know what’s going on with my girl, but she’s got mold growin’ down there [insert lewd gesture to the groin area] and she smelled like rotten eggs!” And then his friends would say, “Nasty! What’d you say to her?” To which he’d reply, “Nothing, I just tapped that.” And then he get hootin’ and hollerin’ and high fives and you’d be legendary.
But let’s face it, there’s no way on earth, we are going to be known as the girl with the moldy, egg stankin’ vajooge, so let’s just admit it, here between us girls, that we don’t wax and vajazzle for our men… we do it for each other, because it’s prettier and fresher, and girls like that! Which is why men have learned that if they don’t “manscape” we’re not going down there.
Which leads to the conclusion that the world revolves around women, because we do things to impress and bond with each other, and men do things to make us happy so they can get what they want.
I would totally want to see a vajazzled vajooge if you got one….but I can’t say I am going to make mine smell like moss…..that might be taking it too far….