If My Friends Could See Me Now…

This is where all the Florida ladies would say, “Oy Vey!” Why? Picture this… Sandra Bullock in an old bikini that her housekeeper put in the dryer so the boy-shorts bottoms are all stretched out and baggy (not to mention pilled from sitting in one too many cheap hot tubs), surrounded by a group of cute little old ladies who are doing water aerobics. Have you seen that movie? I don’t know, it kind of rings a bell with me. Anyway… I seem to be developing a pattern of having you imagine something and then misdirecting you… because it wasn’t Sandra Bullock in the saggy bottoms… it was me. Today. And I wasn’t surround by cute little old ladies in a pool. It was Mom and some Foreign Guy who was staring at my bikini top which had not stretched out, but somehow managed to stay intact, which meant my boobs were spilling out the middle, because back when I was buying bikinis (that’s how long I’ve had this one) I couldn’t mix and match, so to get a size 2 bottom and I had to mash my D-cups into the matching top… yeah… bustin’ out. So enjoy leering Foreign Guy, enjoy!

Back to Mom, who upon learning the pool was heated, thought it would be a great mother/daughter bonding experience to go out this afternoon and walk in the pool. You have to understand, Mom, hears something on the news about corn, and cuts it out of her diet completely! Reads that a couple was attacked by a bear while hiking, and thinks anyone who hikes is bear bait (including Sister and me, who hike Runyon Canyon which no bear would dare enter, due to the horrid smell of dog crap roasting in the sun).

Yesterday, Mom’s physical therapist (she has to go to physical therapy for her knees because when she moved to Florida a few months ago, she thought it was ‘healthy’ to walk 12 miles a day with Dad… everyday, because it was sunny and everything’s close) told her it was not good to walk on pavement because of all the pounding on the knees. She and Dad attempted to walk on the grass early this morning, while normal people like me were still sleeping, but the grass was so wet from the sprinklers that their socks got wet. So that idea was kabashed and now it’s walking in the pool.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if five minutes into it I wouldn’t have gotten so winded. How pathetic that I used to make fun of sweet little old ladies doing water aerobics and I was about to drown after 10 walking laps.. and we were walking the short length. Mom was yapping away swinging her arms, I was trying to make working out in a pool cool, so I “jumped rope” in the water… harder than it sounds. Then from the looks of Foreign Guy decided 3 feet was not deep enough to jump in. When I went out to 5 feet, he finally left. Safely in 4 feet I started jumping again, doing crunches, side crunches, then walk a length really pushing that water down with my arms… I was making this a work-out, yo!

After 30 minutes I was done, exhausted. But not Mom, she wanted to walk for an hour. You go, girl! I’m going in the hot tub. Which I did, only to discover I was already sore. How sad is that? A half hour of Rocky Balboa moves in the shallow end and my abs were burning, my thighs were trembling, and my arms felt like I’d been holding up a car.

Seriously, if my friends could have seen me…

©2011

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