No… it doesn’t involve pirates or a Johnny Depp fantasy.. BUT if you guessed Vajooge, that’s what I said! Nutritionist informed me that I had low estrogen due to my Type-A burnt out adrenals, so I had to balance my hormones. For a minute I thought I had just found the answer to free birth control, but she snipped that dream in the bud. So off I went to Whole Foods to get a liquid, since I can’t swallow pills (which is ironic, and if you don’t know why, you’re too pure to be reading my blog, or perhaps you should continue so I can open a whole new world to you) tangentalizing….

Anyway, Whole Foods Dude, who now knows me by name because I’m constantly in there looking for a B6 liquid or a multiviatmin powder that doesn’t taste like candied poison, and now.. a hormone supplement. At first Whole Foods Dude was confused because clearly I’m too young to be menopausal, and my moods weren’t swinging every 30 seconds like I was possessed, but I told him that I did indeed need a hormone balancer. He gave me a big bottle with a beautiful island on it, and pretty flowers which is apparently supposed to distract you from the rancid taste of the gray goop.  I avoided it for about a week because it said not to take it if you’re not in menopause, which I’m not. Finally I broke down and asked Nutritionist if I bought the right stuff. She asked me to email her the name so she could check it out.

Buried Treasure. Really? Who names a product that is technically related to the Vajooge region, buried treasure? I have to admit, after taking it for three days, I’m feeling far more chipper, and this is my PMS week! I did have one day of good old “go off on men” PMS though. I’ve been having crappy AKA intermittent  internet/phone service. So I called up Comcast and a sweet guy named Chad answered and I asked for his supervisor. Chad asked if there was anything he could do to help me. I told him as sweetly as I could, “Probably not, and you sound like a really nice guy who’s having a good day and I’d hate to take out my anger on you, so can I please speak to a supervisor?” To which Chad responded, “Well, actually I have a lot of authority to help customers, so let’s just see if I can help.

Poor Chad! He never saw it coming. I switched on him faster than the Hulk when he’s mad. I let him have it! (Imagine this rant as a crescendo of anger reaching a spitting climax at the end)   “My internet and phone service is out again, Chad! It has been out everyday for the past two weeks between 12-2 and you sent your service guy here today, CHAD, at 11am and nothing was wrong at 11am because it happens intermittently and he said there is nothing he can do when nothing is wrong, BUT he believes me, (THANKS FOR BELIEVING ME COMCAST GUY ’cause lord knows I’ve got nothing to do all day but lie about crappy cable service and wait for you to arrive between your 8-11am window) but it may be a neighbor coming home for lunch and tapping into my system and screwing it up, but there is no way of knowing which neighbor it is because it can be anyone within a four mile radius…  4 MILES  CHAD??? I’m running a business here so when my phone and internet are not working I’m missing out on business! I can’t miss out on business CH-AD! Now do you have the authority to send someone to my house at this very moment and hope he gets here in time so that my service is still out and he can figure out the problem?”

To which Chad responded, “Well you didn’t get a home business service from us, you just got a regular service, if you want the home business service–”

“Let me stop you RIGHT THERE, Chad! (AT this point I’m seething like a monster out of Ghostbusters, drool mixed with snot running down my chin) I don’t care what kind of service I ordered, I expect my service to work! I can’t have crappy service, Chad!!!”

Chad said he would send someone over right away. It’s been 4 days. I’ve called AT&T. Why must I choose between the greater of two evils?

Wow! Major tangentalizing. I was talking about vajooge balancing. Speaking of confusing names. When I went to the pool with FWB (y’all have not given me a new name for him (see previous blog) so I will continue to call him that until you do) I got a little rash on my hamstring from sitting on a wet chlorinated towel. I searched around in the medicine cabinet for a rash cream and found a Target anti-itch cream. I used it for two days and it wasn’t helping, so I read the label to see if maybe it was expired. What did I find?

The anti-itch cream was the Target Brand of Vagisil! Hello? Maybe that should have been written a little larger on the box! I mean I know no one likes to be the girl on line with the box of Target brand Vagisil, especially because with Romantic Comedy Girl’s Law, you will no doubt have a hot guy in front of you and a hot guy behind you, and just as you’re about to get checked out, the bubbly woman at the Target check out counter, decides to take a break, and a teenage by who looks like Justin Beiber takes his place and there you are with your box of LARGE print Vagisil… so maybe the small print is not so bad for those girls, but I was putting Vajooge cream on my hamstring for two days! One application of actual hydrocortisone and the rash went away. A word to companies.. think through your names. That’s all I ask.

©2011