“Really?!?!?” shrieked Sister.
Why not? I haven’t broken up with one of her boyfriends in a long time. Logistically though, there were problems. For one, we are not in the same house like we were in high school when I could be on the basement rotary phone and she could be on the kitchen phone, with cords so long we could meet in the middle, sitting on the basement steps so she could give me my cues.
“Just give me his number, I’ll just call him and get it over with.” Then I realized that wouldn’t work because now cell phone numbers show up and he would see it wasn’t her number. Sister suggested I hit *67 and block my number. I wasn’t convinced it would work on my cell. I decided to throw out some break up ideas instead:
1. There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with me, but when we’re together… there’s nothing right.
2. Remember when we said we didn’t want to see other people? Well now I want to see anyone but you.
3. Hi R___, I didn’t want to be rude, and not return your obsessive, needy, clingy calls and texts, so I’m calling to let you know that I don’t want to date you anymore.
Sister wanted me to be serious (I was being serious, after all, each one was how she truly felt, I was being serious and honest). I had an idea, she could “party-line” us. Apparently, “party-line” is no longer a “cool term,” how was I supposed to know, I haven’t had to use it to break up with one of her boyfriends in a really long time. And now that I think about it, they are always so dumbstruck by the fact that they’re being broken up with, they never even notice the difference in the sound of our voices (not that I don’t try to imitate her perfectly).
The internet has made it much easier. I just write to them. I wrote Sister’s very first Match.com profile. And while she is beautiful enough to post a picture and not write a word to get 1000 winks, I wrote like a poet. She had the most fabulous profile! Guys were commenting up and down, right and left about how funny she is and smart.
And the reason I know this? I was doing all of her correspondence as well. After all, the witty banter had to stay in the same ‘voice.’ Now you would think that Sister would actually read the correspondence before a phone conversation or a meeting for drinks.. nope. She’d just find herself, a deer in headlights, trying to figure out why she was discussing soccer which she hadn’t played since junior high, or trying to remember the details of some obscure concert that I’d forgotten she was too drunk to remember, because I was the designated driver and remembered the evening perfectly.
And now here we are… and R___ needs to get the boot, and Sister is just letting the hours turn into days, which is why Im writing this blog Sister… TO CALL YOU OUT!!! It’s time to break up with R___ just rip that bandaid off and do it!
Sister falls so quickly.. she gave R___ her parking pass, it had only been a week. And no, parking pass is not a metaphor, she did not give up the cookie just the parking pass. But now she has to get it back. The last guy had her parking pass, alarm code, and house key within a month… he turned out to be a freak, though in her defense, none of us saw that coming.
No more giving out out the parking pass Sister. Pick up the phone and say “R____ it’s been real, and it’s been nice, but it hasn’t been real nice…”