I Have Changed My Mind About Men Reading This Blog

I admit I’ve been doing my best to scare guys off of this blog to keep it “a chick” thing. And when I look even deeper… it’s kind of a reflection of what I do in life.. pull my friends closer as I push men away. But “Jeff” has given me cause to think, if I do’t allow men to comment, (when I so clearly pointed out in multiple blogs that we speak ‘different languages’), how are we ever supposed to understand their side?

I’m being sarcastic when I say,”Guess what? Our actions affect them.” I’m being vulnerable when I say, “I personally have gotten in my own way of love so many times, I’ve hurt many guys, not caring about how my actions affect them, because I was trying to protect my own feelings.” And guess what? I hurt anyway. Maybe I hurt because I hurt them, maybe I hurt because I didn’t communicate maturely and lost them, maybe I hurt because my action or lack of action caused a ‘good one’ to get away. Maybe, maybe, maybe… Whatever the reason, it sucks to hurt, but my perspective has changed. Instead of pulling a “Heisman” (see? if men were reading this they’d know what that means, but because y’all are chicks, I’ll make it today’s picture and you should get the idea), I’d rather live like a Lady A song “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all…” I tried that for 25 years, and all it did was blind me to a lot of great guys.  Anyway…

So all of this ‘taking responsibility for my actions’ came to me early this morning, when I read “Jeff’s” response to my “Sex And The City Skewed Men’s Ideas About Women”entry. For those of you who missed the comment string, here’s how it went:

Jeff: I think you have it backwards.  Sex and the City skews women’s ideas about relationships.  The show didn’t do anything to men.  It did however,  do everything to mess up women about relationships. Women who watch that show base a lot of their actions in relationships on how it was portrayed in the show.

Me: I’m intrigued …. do explain, because I know if I ever had a great man like Aidan in my life, I sure as heck wouldn’t “pull a Carrie!” That move cost the show my viewing for the next season! I also know if had a guy as hot and young as Smith, I’d know better than to fall in love with him. Demi & Ashton are either the exception to the rule or a really good Hollywood cover up… but how often does the 15-year age difference work for an older woman? And while there are TONS of women out their “emasculating their Steve’s” they were doing it looooong before they ever watched Miranda doing it. And speaking for the Charlottes of the world who’ve found ourselves in sexless relationships with a Trey, trust me, we don’t stay in the relationship because we want to be like Charlotte, we stay in because we are in DEEE-NIIIIIIII-AAAAAL!

Jeff: All of the characters are extremely bad girlfriends. Girls watch this show and identify with a character, and try to act in their real relationships how that character acts in theirs.

Samantha is obvious; she wants sex without love. Not girlfriend material.
Charlotte is the most boring person in the world. A prude all around. Very uptight and contributes to her loneliness.
Miranda is married to her work; is in one word, a b…itch. She is also uptight and won’t let anyone in. Ice comes to mind.
Carrie is the worst one of them all. How could you ever ever ever trust a girl like that? Who is in their 30′s and cheats? I will tell you who….someone you should never ever date. She goes back to Big every single time, even though he has time and time again showed her he can’t commit.

To what you said, Smith was a good guy, but it was Samantha who messed that up. It doesn’t matter how hot he was, it was her fault. I am not saying that girls want to be like any of the characters. But, the show has so much influence and pull, that the girl starts to believe that the actions the character took were the right ones, and they copy those actions.

I would not look to celebrities for a thumbs up or down, or for making any decisions in life. Celebrities are completely opposite of real life, so look to real life relationships for statistics.

My point to all of this, is when guy’s watch Sex and the City, they don’t [subconsciously or not] alter/change their actions in relationships. But girls do. Just about all of the girls I have dated and been in relationships with watch and love this show, and either make comments or act a certain way in favor of a character they identify with. I like the show, but it sucks that none of the characters are good role models. I have met a lot of ‘Carries’ in my life where they will continually go back to that certain a-hole that they cannot get enough of. Either because they love the bad boy a-holes, or that they hope he will change. Either way, that is a girl to stay the hell away from because she will break your heart in the end.

He makes an interesting point. I stand by my belief that emotionally unavailable men put women in categories the same way emotionally unavailable women do many of the things Jeff pointed out. I myself, am guilty of constantly going for the “fixer-upper” when I know he’s not what I want. It’s not fair to the “fixer-upper.” He came that way, and if I couldn’t accept him for who he was when I started with him, I shouldn’t have started with him. Period. I’d like to say I don’t realize they are fixer-uppers until it’s too late, but you’d all know I was going back to denial mode because if you read the Friend With Benefits saga, you’ll notice that on March 11th I said that I wouldn’t fall for him because there were already 3 things I’d want to change about him.. and then those were the same 3 things that caused me to want to end things with him. So I knew! I was just in denial.

Back to Jeff’s comments.  Individually, the characters don’t make good role models when it comes to relationships. That said, I believe what attracts women like me to the show is 1. They ARE great role models for friends. Over all, those girls where there for each other through the best and worst of times, and that’s what was so attractive about them to women. And 2. as far as the actual dating story lines, I think the reason we laughed so hard is because we had either been in a situation like that or known someone who was. That doesn’t make their actions acceptable, it just makes our own actions easier to swallow, because we can laugh at it, seeing we’re not alone.

Bottom line? Men and women speak two different languages. Neither are wrong, but if not given the respect by one another, we are going to continually hurt each other.

Uhhh my head hurts. All this self-realization is making me both regretful and hopeful. I owe A LOT of guys apologies. It’s a good thing I don’t have ‘a love sponsor.’

©2011

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One Response to I Have Changed My Mind About Men Reading This Blog

  1. Jeff says:

    I believe men and women do speak the same language, but just have separate interpretations [of that language].

    I think denial is a big part of both sexes. We all do it sometimes because we are tired, and are hoping for a tiny shred of hope that this person we are settling for is actually what we want, or that we might be able to change them.

    99 percent of the time, you can trace a bad relationship back to being your fault. Your fault in the sense that you know you shouldn’t have started with that person in the first place. You saw the signs, and either ignored them or were in denial about them. So many times have I wanted to [figuratively] slap some sense into a girl because she is crying that all guys use her and treat her like crap. 99 percent of the time, it was her bad judgement for getting involved with that guy in the first place.
    But guys do that too. I have been guilty of it before. And it all comes back to insecurities.

    There are good guys out there, you just need to pick the right ones.

    I would much rather hurt than feel nothing at all. At least your feeling something. Then you know your alive. The old saying is true, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

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