I hate to bring this up, but I’m so aggravated by it. Sex. I mean seriously. Remember when you were 15.. I mean 19… I mean 22 and sex was great?!?!? Remember when you were with that guy who you couldn’t get enough of? Okay, if you don’t remember him, do you at least remember the guys along the way who you couldn’t stop fantasizing about? My best friend growing up said she had fantasies about her and her boyfriend walking on the beach, holding hands, and being all snugly. I didn’t get that at all! I was reading the Playgirl forum and fantasizing about my car breaking down in front of a fire station and 4 hot firemen having their way with me… is that TMI? I don’t care if it’s too much information! We have to start thinking about and talking about and quite frankly HAVING sex again!
Trust me, I know, I have girlfriends who are married with kids and are too tired, or don’t want to have sex while the kids are awake and by the time the kids go to sleep their husbands are asleep because they have to be up at 5am to provide f or the family. And then there are my power women friends, the gals who work their asses off at jobs with stress levels that are off the richter scale. So of course by the time they get home they’re to stressed out for sex, or the stress has done a number on their adrenals which in turn has done a number on their libidos. And then there is life interuptess…. that’s when life happens; a husband gets sick, a boyfriend loses a job, aging occurs!
Let’s talk about aging, because quite frankly I don’t think that at this point in our lives, (and I’m talking to my girls here, the ones who relate to Sex and the City, because you’re old enough to relate to the jokes) it’s just the women! The men are getting older too. Sure they like to point the finger and say, “My wife doesn’t want to have sex as much as I do,” but let me tell you something ladies, at least half of the time if not more, they are relieved when you’re not in the mood. They’re exhausted too. Their testosterone levels aren’t what they used to be. There’s a reason they say guys peak at 18. Yet, they play it off like we’re to blame.
Okay enough about the “ladies” and the “we”s, you want to read about me. October 21, 2008, My therapist said to me, “RomComGirl, he didn’t go to war.” This was in response to me telling my therapist for the first time, after being in therapy on and off with her for 5 years, that my ex-fiance and I hadn’t had sex in six years (give or take 2 times… actually no, I won’t give or take… it was 2 TIMES!). To which I then responded to her aghast expression and shocked question of, “Why did you put up with that?” with, “Because, I heard that married couples don’t have sex so I figured that it was normal, and then when I couldn’t justify it being normal anymore, and I couldn’t get him to respond to me, instead of continuing to try and constantly getting rejected, I asked myself, ‘what would I have done if he had gone to war and been shot and come back unable to have sex? And my answer to myself is I would have stayed with him.” That’s when she looked at me like I was a loon and in a reprimanding tone reminded me that he didn’t go to war!
I know he didn’t go to war! What I don’t know is why a guy with a fiance who is smokin’ hot with the body of a 25 year old (give or take some spider veins… yeah, I’m gonna have to give on this one, they weren’t there when I was 25) who WANTS to have sex with him, would literally go white in the face when asked. I mean dressing up in sexy lingerie and humping the doorway to get his attention and having him refuse to look up from his computer is downright humiliating! And no he’s not gay, if you read “Dogs are easier to love than guys” you know that oh too well, and he wasn’t tired, because he wasn’t working that hard, and maybe he had low testosterone, but if he did SCREW HIM for not getting it checked out in year two and doing something about it.
Bottom line is, how the heck did I stay in a relationship for that long with no sex? That’s the question I would beat myself up about until I finally started admitting the truth to my friends about why I wouldn’t marry him. In the two years we were engaged, I would tell everyone, I was waiting for him to prove that he could be financially responsible, but after we broke up, when I told them the truth.. that I wasn’t going to marry a guy who didn’t want to have sex with me, suddenly the chick flood gates opened and I learned that pretty much all of my friends’ sex lives sucked. What’s up with that?!?!?
Many of them don’t care, or are too tired to care, until it’s too late; their husbands leave them for another woman, or their self esteem is so low they stop caring about how they look or worse (what I did) is sabotaging your looks so you won’t be attractive to all the guys who hit on you because the temptation is too great because deep down we ALL want to be having sex! I mean come on! Sex is frickin great! Especially when done right.
But somewhere along the line we lose the ability to communicate with our men and once that happens we lose the intimacy, and once that happens we lose the desire.
This can’t happen! We can’t get so caught up in our lives as mothers, workers, business owners, homemakers etc., that we lose focus on the most pleasurable thing in creation. We have to start a movement. We have to get back to sex with the men we love. Okay, now I’m talking to you.. if you’re in love with a man, because I’m not, so I’m not having sex and need to live vicariously through you. But really I want to make sure that this doesn’t happen with the next man I fall in love with.
When I was a young teen we read Judy Blume’s Forever and obsessed about when we would have sex. When I finally did have sex, I loved it. I was adventurous and curious and fun and dirty and innocent and… what the hell happened that I stayed in a relationship for seven years with no sex? I still can’t figure it out. I guess that’s why it’s keeping me up tonight, because I want to believe that the next man I fall in love with, I’ll have a hot steamy sex life with, until we die in our 90s while having sex! Please tell me it can happen…
Okay, here it is….Fabulous article, the flood gates are open. Yes, you will once again find another man who will give you a “hot” and passionate sex life once again. It does happen. I’m a testimate to it, I was with a man for six years and then married to him for two – we never had sex in the two years that we were married. I finally said, this is WAY too jacked up to live like this – I divorced him and within six months was fucking my brains out with a fabulous lover! I swore to myself moving forward that no matter what happens that I wouldn’t settle into one of “those” relationships ever again. Three years on my own and some serious make-up sex with my lover, I met the man I’m married to today. We are in our 40’s and have a six year old and are madly in love with eachother! We have been married for seven years and have sex 3-5 times a week, for us it only gets better and better! I know what your saying…a lot of our friends have the same discussions – NO Sex. Well, I say life is short and my grandfather (italian) was still having crazy sex at the age of 85. It may run in my genes but, I’ll take whatever I can get! I want to be able to still get it on at that age, their are only limited things in life that give such pleasure. So, we should stop making excuses as to WHY we aren’t and stop over analyzing it and just simply do it! I wish you and all the women to make the movement – JUST DO IT!!!!
In the great words of Rob Reiner’s mother in When Harry Met Sally:
“I’ll have what she’s having!”
Thanks, Jillian! You are an inspiration to us all.