Time to meet ‘Sister’

I shower, I sweep my house daily, I wear clean clothes… well at least they start out clean until I stain them… speaking of, tonight’s stain is Grapefruit drippings, which brings us to tonight’s entry…

I’m having a sleepover at Sister’s tonight, with the dogs. If we were cartoons, she would be “Gem” cause she’s truly outrageous (and pampered) and I would be Pigpen. We are like the odd couple, obviously she’s Felix and I’m Oscar.

I show up at her house, and she has plastic and towels on the floor (it’s raining in LA), which manage to stay dry and clean yet the dog’s paws miraculously don’t leave a print on her floor. At my house, I have towels down, which are stained with mud and water to the point that it leaves a giant wet stain on my hardwood floor.. and there are still muddy paw prints in the living room (as well as muddy UGG boot prints).

Upon entering Sister’s house I notice candles are lit every where and there are three vases of fresh flowers. You see she’s normal, she lights her candles. I save mine for special occasions. What occasions? What am I waiting for? I do a similar thing with bubble bath and shampoo… I only use enough so I can make it last. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not cheap. I buy tons of shampoo and bubble bath, but it stands sadly expiring in the closet.

Everything smells good in Sister’s house… even her garage. I lifted the lid of her garbage pail expecting that rotting smell, I know so well from my own house despite using ‘odor protection’ bags, and it smelled like air freshener (we’ll see how it smells in the morning after a night with my grapefruit rinds).

Her bathroom is something out of the Four Seasons… I’m afraid to use a towel to dry my hands because they’re SO white and fluffy. Her toilet has blue water and smells good no matter what you do in it (she poo pooed my ‘go green’ slogan “if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down” and yes, the pun was intended).

The dogs have been here for five hours already. In my house there would be enough fur balls on the floor to sweep into a small Shitzu and name, here.. not a hair to be seen. Does she have special powers? Has there been a spell cast upon her house? Has she made a deal with Mister Clean? There isn’t even dust on her TV screen. How is that possible? And trust me… Sister doesn’t clean!! Oh Hell, no! She has a housekeeper. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I have the same one. When I lived with Shady I lived in constant fear that “this is the week she’ll quit.” Sometimes I felt like I had to pay her extra. Even after Shady was thrown out, she still had plenty to do, despite me cleaning before she came (out of embarrassment). Across the way (Sister lived next door for 9 years, now she lives less than a mile up the street) our housekeeper (let’s call her M) should have paid Sister. I never understood what M did all day at Sister’s place. M would spend 8 hours at my house and 2 hours at Sister’s.

And of course Sister is drop dead beautiful, with a kick-ass body, and THE BEST designer wardrobe, so of course I want to borrow her clothes. She used to let me because she’s extremely generous, but then she’d see something I borrowed on my closet floor, or with a stain on it that I couldn’t explain, or that she hadn’t seen for months because I’d decided to adopt it until she noticed.. and slowly it became harder to catch her at home when I needed a ‘going out’ outfit. She lucked out that my shoe size is smaller than hers because Carrie Bradshaw would be jealous of her two closet shoe/boot collection, none of which I can borrow because of my tiny feet.

Sister always smells good. I ask her what scent she’s wearing. She tells me and I go to Loehman’s to buy it (Sister has no patience for Loehman’s), yet it never smells the same on me.

I do have ONE thing on sister… I can file like a mo fo! When my bills come in, I pay them and then file in the appropriate place. I shred those bank “checks” and any saved tax records past seven years. Sister on the other hand, puts all of her receipts and bill records in a Nordstrom bag, waits until Christmas when our friend has us over and lights a big beautiful fire in his fireplace. Then she throws her bag in the fire. I’m not sure if that’s legal so don’t tell anyone. Somehow, I think she got the better end of the deal, but I suppose that’s how all sister’s roll.

© 2010




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