What Chocolate Does To Me

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Just because something is Gluten free and sugar free doesn’t mean that the chocolate in it isn’t going to affect me. (by the way, I typed that entire sentence in 3 seconds) which is how quickly I’d be talking to you if you were here with me because that’s what chocolate does to me. I’m trying to be kind and insert punctuation, but the reality is, when I eat chocolate my heart races and throbs in and out of my chest like a cartoon character, and I talk a mile a minute, non-stop, going from topic to unrelated topic, my mind races, my face sweats… good times! And I’m an addict. Did I mention that? I was literally diagnosed by a doctor when I was 23. You see, I’m rambling into the past now… you see, I had recently broken up with First Love, and the gym I was working at kept putting out chocolate kisses for Christmas (I know, defeats the purpose.. oxymoron, blah blah blah) what matters is, no one was eating them but me and I was up to 2 one pound bags a day going on two weeks. You know how I know it was two weeks…. hold on I need to take a breath… you know how I know it was two weeks? Because my sorority sister, who was now in medical school, was off on a two week cruise, and she was coming home the next day, so I decided to leave her a welcome home song (I’m infamous in my circle of friends for leaving spontaneous songs for birthdays, special occasions, or no reason at all, sometimes to the tune of a popular song, sometimes to a tune I make up … ooops chocolate tangent) anyway, I decided to leave her a welcome home song on her machine. Well back then, we had answering machines with tapes in them, which did not cut you off, so you had to leave your message and hang up. Well I didn’t hang up. “Chocolate” made me use up her entire message tape, which upon her arrival home, listening to said message and her 3 months of medical school, had her convinced I was high on cocaine.. did I mention in any previous blogs I only drank for one year of my life and it was when I was 15, I’ve NEVER done drugs, except the one time I smoked pot because of scary college football team peer pressure, and I hallucinated.. BREATH..

So, my sorority sister calls my mom to give her the diagnosis she’s created for me, and my mom freaks out and confronts me, to which I look at her as if she’s crazy, knowing that if I even dared try cocaine it would most likely kill me, but Mom, made me go to a doctor, to hear for herself that I didn’t need to go to rehab. The doctor confirmed that I was not a cocaine addict, but I was indeed a drug addict, the drug being caffeine. Dang it! Why make me love chocolate so much if I can’t eat it!!!

I’ve had to analyze this recently, as I’ve said in past entries, I’m working with a nutritionist (who by the way will be none too happy with me when she reads this, her objective is to calm and regulate my system not have me revved up like an indy 500 car). She wants me to log how I’m feeling when I want dark chocolate covered blueberries (or my cousin’s delicious “faux” Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and the culprit in this case gluten and sugar free chocolate pecan pie… she baked it especially for me. How can I let it go to waste… chocolate ramble) Anyway, I’m supposed to log how I feel before I eat it: is it a craving, do I need comfort food (CUPCAKES!!!!!!!!), do I feel I deserve a treat? I’m not really sure there are any other options and I know the former are all no nos. The bottom line is they taste frickin’ yummmy and I want them. Do I enjoy my heart racing- NO! Do I enjoy typing a mile a minute- NO! Do I enjoy staying up WIDE AWAKE until 4 am- NO! Will I do it again……………. yes. I have a problem people! Do you think Dr Drew has chocolate addicts in his celebrity rehab center, because I tell you, those celebrities may be hot messes, but I’ll give them a run for there money with one gluten free fudge brownie! And quite honestly, the gluten free, sugar free, does not taste even remotely as good as CUPCAKES!!!!!! But when you haven’t had real baked goods in over 6 months, they start tasting good. So I put in my food log that I wanted a snack and because they don’t taste that good it doesn’t count as a treat… well it shouldn’t.. it’s more of a torment of what once was and what can never be. Dang it! But I have a feeling my nutritionist is going to take dark chocolate covered blueberries off of the table soon, because I started out eating 4, then it went to 8 then 15… isn’t that how alcoholics fall off the wagon? They say they’ll just have one glass of wine, and then after a month it becomes 2 and then after 3 they’re in Dr Drew’s celebrity rehab with me RMC the choc-o-holic. Well at least I admit it, and I believe that’s the first step of 12 right? Oh who knows… Good lord my word count is 931 How did I manage over nine hundred words about nothing?



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