Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it… my pits stink! And I guarantee, by the end of this blog entry, you’ll be wondering why in the time it took me to write this, didn’t I just take a shower and wash my pits? That is a very good question. The answer is… because there’s something strangely alluring about the stink. I can’t stop sniffing it. Right now Sister and Best Friend are reading this and saying out loud, “Eww! She’s so gross!” But they know what I’m talking about, and maybe you do too, maybe that’s why you’re still reading… or maybe you’re still reading because you’re just disgusted by me and want to see where this is going.
Well, as you know, this blog’s subtitle is ‘what happens before happily ever after’ and this is what happens, at least in my case. When I’m with a guy, I’m waxed or shaven, moisturized, deodorized, polished, blown out, teeth sparkling, mouthwashed, vajooge powdered, Q-tipped, and Cover Girl clean! But I’m not with a guy, so none of the fore-mentioned are goin’ on around here (imagine me circling my entire body from head to toe with my hands as if I had some street in me… which I SO don’t). Which means, in a word I.. stink. I think Tom Cruise said it best in Top Gun when he leaned into Slider and declared, “Slider, (sniff) you stink.”
Did I mention my old car was named Slider? Best Friend’s was Goose, and Sister’s was Maverick. I wanted Iceman, but they know me to well, so Slider it was. That’s Top Gun, gals, classic Chick Flick, because guys like it too. But all those topless guys playing volleyball? We know who they were marketing that film to.
Back to my pits. So admit it, when yours stink, you sniff them too, right? I’m not weird, because not only does Sister do it, but if Best Friend and I are sitting with her watching TV on the couch and she notices her pit stink, she’ll make us smell it. Now that’s gross… but not entirely unreasonable. There’s something about pit stink that you want to share. Maybe because it’s taboo in society (remember Taboo from the Brady Bunch.. that was such a scary episode.. random, sorry) any way, we are so conditioned to shave and use deodorant, and don’t get me wrong, I’m all for it… I’ve been to France, it is not pleasant to be surrounded by stinky pits, but… after spending my youth going from Love’s Baby soft, to Dry Idea roll-on, to Dove’s stick, to Mitchum with no white residue, which by the way, lasts 48 hours and is good for a lazy bummette like me, and a few brief fortes into Mennen’s Speed Stick, when I wanted to sniff under my arm and smell like my man of the moment (that stuff smells better than cologne), I’ve decided ENOUGH! I am going to bask in my stink for one day. I know what you’re thinking… someone as clean and fresh smelling as me doesn’t get that stinky in one day… and you’re right, it’s been over 48 hours… Okay, now not only am I over-sharing, but I’m grossing myself out. And I feel compelled to tell you that I have been doing the half-bath daily (better add this one to the glossary) that’s where you go in the bathtub and wash your bottom half, because ladies, as nasty as you think I am right now, I am very into hygiene, and you MUST remain clean ‘down there’ man in your life or not!
What I want to know is, how do girls who don’t shave their pits, and are ‘all natural’ aka don’t use deodorant, not stink? Is it their diet? Because I tell you, when I am shaven, which is most of the time, I slap on that Mitchum and like I said.. good for 48 hours. I don’t even stink after a Yoga class. BUT, the minute those little stubbles start pricking out, B.O.! It’s inevitable.
Okay, enough of this nonsense! I’m going to take a shower, shave, and deodorize. I’ve got things to do today, including a Gluten Free cooking class at Whole Foods (yes, I’m crazy like that) and who knows who I may bump into… well you’ll know, because I’ll tell you tomorrow after the class. Wish me romance…
ps. in my search for this entry’s picture, I found 4 pictures of people sniffing each other’s pits. I thought it best to spare you!