Valentine’s Day With My Parents

It’s kind of amazing that I have such a negatively skewed view on marriage, considering my parents married as virgins and have been faithful and loving to each other ever since. This Valentine’s Day, I was invited to breakfast. They had each left each other cards at their place settings, and before they sat down with me (and my empty place setting… can a single daughter getta card? I mean!) my dad wished my mom a happy Valentine’s Day and gave her a long kiss.  Then, mom sat down and read her card, which made her cry. And dad read his which didn’t make him cry which made my mom say that her card must not have been as touching, to which dad responded by getting up and giving her another long kiss.  Awwwwww.

And then they gave me a whole lot to blog about, so let’s get it on…

Barbara Streisand came on the radio, so I told them this reminded me of when I was a child and mom would play her records all of the time. Then mom said, “Yes, I did and Johnny Mathis too.” To which Dad replied, “That’s MOM.”  Huh?  I thought perhaps, I’d just learned from whom I received the gift of blabbing out random thoughts… but when I saw my mom blushing, I said, “What are you talking about?” because clearly M-O-M meant something different to them then it did to me.

This is where I may have to add a separate section in the glossary called “Old School Lingo” because out of my dad’s mouth came, “M-O-M means “make-out music.” At first, I really didn’t want this conversation to go any farther, but feeling a blog entry coming on, I had to press it.

“Make out music?” I questioned, “you guys used to make out when you were teenagers?”

“Of course,” answered my dad.

“And some people used to do The Fish,” added my mom with pride.

Did I want to know what The Fish was? Not if it was going to come out of my parents’ mouths, but for you, my readers, I went ahead and asked… “The Fish?”

“It’s a suggestive dance,” said my mother, almost in a whisper as if she’d get in trouble for knowing.

“What exactly did you consider suggestive back then?” regretting the question before it came out of my mouth.

And my dad was off…

“Well the guys wore really tight pants and they would gyrate their hips, but they couldn’t actually rub up against the girl, so they would be really close on  top but whipping their thing around down below.”

Don’t ask, don’t ask.. why.. am… I… asking, “Their thing?”

“You know, their thing,” my mom kind of gestured to her lower region, “What do you call it? They were excited.”

“So they had a boner?” I say in disbelief that I just used the word boner in front of my “Leave it to Beaver” parents.

“Well, it’s like this honey,” my dad explained, “imagine you’re a guy doing The Fish with a girl who excites you in the tight pants. It’s like a Jack in the Box.”

Okay, now I’m disturbed! “You two did The Fish and there were Jack in the Boxes happening and lord knows what else?!?!”

Dad shook his head in denial, he had not done the dance, and mom, well mom’s response was far more disturbing. “I didn’t do it because the guys had boners… but I liked to watch from afar.”

Good Grief! My innocent mom used to get her bobby socks off watching dirty boys dance The Fish with massive hard-ons. I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that, but I learned it for YOU! HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!



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13 Responses to Valentine’s Day With My Parents

  1. Pilot (that's Mrs. Pilot to you...:) says:

    Ooooh……emmmmm……geeee! I am experiencing vicarious trauma….where’s the Rescue Remedy?! Your parents really need a “sharing violation” card or a sensorship bleeper!

    P.S I’m so glad I gave up fish years ago (in fact, I don’t like fish OR chicken…:)

  2. Word! There needs to be a “sharing violation” because they say it with such innocence that it really scares me to think that one day they’ll find out how “fishy” their daughter is! They should have seen me in my 80’s hairband haydays! Giiiiirls, they need to create a name for what I do on the dance floor… O-Kay?!

    • Pilot (that's Mrs. Pilot to you...:) says:

      What you do on the dance floor? Is it “the Elaine” from Seinfeld?

      • Pilot (that's Mrs. Pilot to you...:) says:

        Now I remember you….you were the fishy smelling dancer on “In Living Color”, weren’t you?!-) Or was it Solid Gold?

  3. Solid Gold? I’m not that old! And I don’t smell fishy, I dance… well, not fishy, but Oh, yeah, I coulda been a Fly Girl! Believe you, me… my milkshake brings ALL the boys to the yard!

  4. And damn right, it’s better than yours because yours is DAIRY FREE!
    ps this is not a fight xoxo

    • Pilot (that's Mrs. Pilot to you...:) says:

      Do you have any idea how many pairs of panties I’ve had to change since reading this blog?

      • Pilot (that's Mrs. Pilot to you...:) says:

        P.S I’ll take you to the candy shop (and no, this is not a threat and we are definitely not fighting) so I can show you what I got. You got a milkshake…I got a lollypop (not a fish)….whatevs…..say hi to your motha for me! xxoo

  5. Well, at least I know what to get you for your birthday this year.

  6. Umm, Pilot… the lyrics are NOT “I’ll take you to the candy shop so I can show you what I got” They ARE: I’ll take you to the candy shop, I’ll let you lick my lollypop” And by candy shop, he meant the zipper in his pants and by lollypop, he meant… his stick with no candy on it whatsoever!

  7. And please don’t make me explain “milkshake” and “yard”

    • Pilot (that's Mrs. Pilot to you...:) says:

      Oh, I know the milkshake and the yard….have you trimmed your lawn lately?!-)

      • Pilot (that's Mrs. Pilot to you...:) says:

        P.S Thanks for the education….my parents never told me where babies come from….this whole milkshake/candyshop/fish thing is VERY new to me…:)

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