Maybe I’m at the age where I’m spending too much time with divorcing people or “should-be” divorced people, but I’m realizing that I was not the only one in a long-term sexless relationship. And people ask me why I don’t want to get married… So I can end up like them? Complaining about not having sex with their ex for 5+ years. Forget it!
So here’s my theory as to why it’s the guys’ fault, at least with women who are like me (I’m sure there’s a whole other group of women out there who don’t care about sex, but they’re not the ones I’m addressing because I can’t relate).
It typically starts like this:
Boy meets girl, thinks she’s sexy as hell and wants to do all kinds of unthinkable things to her. And then it falls apart. Why? Because to the girl, they’re not that unthinkable, in fact, she’s pretty into it, but “guy” falls for her… hard. And suddenly, it feels wrong to want to do unthinkable things to this girl he’s put up on a pedestal. He wants to be gentle and make love. [insert yawn sound effect] Excuse me…
Seriously, what’s up with that?! Then they start Facebooking ex-girlfriends, or girls they fantasized about in high school, to see if they’re in a sexless relationship and want to fill a void for them, even if it’s just IMing to get their rocks off.
Cut the crap guys and man up! One of the reasons I’m still hung up on First Love is he’s the only guy I ever had “both” with; Love and Unfaltering Attraction. And I’ll tell you why… because in 4 years we made love once. ONCE! And guess what? That was perfect for us. We were able to separate love and lust. He proudly brought me home to meet mom, and then later did things to me that a man would never do to a girl he would bring home to meet mom. That’s the balance people!
It has nothing to do with respect. He respected me, he loved me, he was my friend, and he was great in bed. NOW… since then, it’s been one or the other. I either meet guys who are my best friend and there’s spark for about 2 weeks and then they get so smitten that they get all gentle and lovey.. Gentle and lovey may have it’s place and it’s moments, BUT it can’t be all of the time. How frickin’ boring!!! And then there are the guys who are amazing in bed, but for some reason (maybe it’s because they’re at least a decade younger, dumb or angry) that they just can’t satisfy the relationship side.
This rant got triggered because I was watching Couples Retreat last night with Jason Bateman and Vince Vaughn. I’m not spoiling anything by saying it was a formulaic, predictable movie, about 4 couples in trouble and not connecting sexually.. yes there were all the typical problems that come with marriage; kids, work, exhaustion, taking each other for granted… but in the end, when they all started having sex, they were happy again! There’s a reason why it’s called a “happy ending.”
But seriously people, what did you think marriage was going to be when you signed up for it? How about when you decided to get a taxing job so you could bring home lots of bacon, did you not think you’d be tired from working hard? And kids.. come on! Talk to people who have them before you decide to and get some perspective. THEY TAKE A LOT OF TIME!!! Add in family, friends, hobbies, exercise, and what are you left with? Not a whole heck of a lot of time for sex unless you make it as important as taking your kids to soccer or signing a new client for the week.
If lack of sex and intimacy is the primary reason for couples growing apart, then why isn’t major attention being paid to it?!?!?
I guess I can’t blame guys for lack of sex in relationships, because every relationship is different. So I’ll just blame anyone who lets this foundation of every relationship go to the way side. After all without sex you’re just friends. Now I’ve lost my train of rant…
Romantic Comedy Girl,
AND then there are our coupled friends who lose sight of the fact that they have access to SEX every single day but choose to focus on the little things that annoy them instead of getting busy. On more than one occasion as of late, I’ve had to set some girlfriends and boyfriends straight by asking “How important is “that” (whatever “that” might be) really?” and close with — “You know you could be having SEX every day (or at least as often as humanly possible) and should be and not all of us have that luxury at the moment”.
On another note, I too, have heard of MANY marriages that went YEARS without sex and I have to wonder, WHY? I think you’ve hit on some crucial points. Some of these points also carry over into the “dating land” (which is vast and desolate in my world at the moment). Take for example the spark that recently occurred between me and one very HOT individual. Great chemistry. Great conversation. Fun times and then ultimately some weird, guy creedo that goes something like “I never mess with the nice ones”. WTH? Okay, so because I’m “nice” which does not equate to “not interested in SEX” — I’m suddenly not a candidate for anything more? I’m going to raise the “WTH?” to a “WTF?” on this one. So, I ranted to a male friend about it and he said “Yeah, it’s true — if we think you’re too virtuous we may not want to go there so you might have to be more aggressive.” (there was more guy advice but for the sake of tangentilizing I’ll leave it at that). By this time I’m really confused. Do I need to be mean, promiscuous and pounce on men to move things forward to eventually have SEX? That’s not the way I roll. AND, for the record I have been married, I have dated and I have not achieved sainthood status in any of those roles.
So, where does that leave me? It’s Sunday morning and I’m about to have some breakfast wine just thinking about it.
I think this calls for another blog entry… “men who drive non-slutty women to drink before noon!”
ps… perhaps you should be a guest contributor, Sommelier. I think there’s some GOOD bloggin’ to come out of these WTF conversations!
Yes! Yes! and yes! And no, that’s not me having sex while typing but rather full agreement with the wisest superfriends (perhaps even superheroes) in the whole wide world…just sayin’…:)
Sommelier: grab a glass of red and let’s have a heart to heart! You have the biggest boobs of the bunch, the greatest wine knowledge, and very flirtatious eyes. In other words, you have a lot going for you.
I suspect that Mr. You’re-Too-Virtuous is actually very attracted to you BUT, having suffered from “I’m-hung-like-a-rabbit” syndrome all of his life, and now entering into the “I-can’t-get-it-up-to-save-my-life-even-with-an-overdose-of-Viagra” phase of his small, limp penis phase, that…..he doesn’t want you to learn what’s really going on (or rather, what’s not going on) behind that zipper of his.
At the risk of tangentilizing, I would just like to make a brief formal announcement that you’re hot and there are more equipped fish in the sea.
And as for you gypsy: the past is the past for a reason. Revisiting summer camp is like tasting the icky burps from the garlicky spaghetti that just keeps on givin’. It was better than average the first time you tasted it BUT pretty gross upon revisiting! I say we create the Cougar division of the Superfriend society and go and show some young men how to make a kitty purr (oooopsie, was that TMI?!-)