Oh, boy… this is a hard one. It really is. Ugh! SOOOO embarrassing! Why am I even telling you? Because it’s total romantic comedy!!! In all it’s pathetic ridonkulousness! Seriously if this was a movie, it would be starring Steve Carrell and Joan Cusack… not me! I’m supposed to be past this. And the tagline of the movie would be “Where do two 40 somethings (not that I’m forty something… I’m not saying that I’m not but I’m not saying that I am… not that anything’s wrong with being forty something…. it’s just that Steve and Joan so clearly are… OKAY I know I’m avoiding the tagline!) … Where do two 40 somethings go to make out when their parents are home?”
Let’s retrace tonight’s steps… it starts out with me having a light dinner before yoga, in Florida, and as a gypsy, when I’m in Florida, I stay with my parents. Why? Because I love them and I treasure the time I get to spend with them. Never did I imagine I’d find someone to have sex with in Florida! Especially someone younger than me. I thought everyone had me beat by two decades. Anyway, so, Friend With Benefits picked me up to take me to yoga, because my car is in California and he wants to have sex with me so he’s willing to take yoga classes to make that happen. He’s taken yoga twice in his life… tonight and last week, when I offered to show him how flexible I am.
Tonight, I decided to put on a real show for him… my tightest and lowest cut black yoga pants, short bra-top with spaghetti straps, and my hair pulled back in a bun to give me that white swan/black swan look, because who’s not into Natalie Portman? It was a really gentle class where we stayed in the same poses for a long time… in other words I got to show off because the moves were easy, and he got to stare at me longer because we held the poses for a long time. I could feel his eyes on me and I couldn’t wait for class to be over so I could go back to his house and let him put me into ‘Happy Baby’. Halfway through class we were doing knee twists on our back with our hands out to the side. I felt his finger tips touch mine and it sent shock waves through me. It may have caused a fire ball but by the time I opened my eyes it had combusted.
Class finally ended (how un-namaste of me), and by the time we made it back to his truck I was sucking his face before he could get his seat belt on. I made out with him so passionately that I almost thought I wasn’t going to make it to his house! And that’s when he told me…
His mom is visiting from up North and she’s staying with him until Sunday. DJ Super Pilot- cue the Scratch on the Record! I was like mommasaidwhat? mommasaidwho? And he was like, do you still want to come over? UGH! I was so wound up how could I say no, after all, he said his mom was probably already asleep. But as we pulled into his driveway and I looked at the clock which read 9:23, I got a sinking feeling.
Sure enough, we walked in the front door and there was mom watching American Idol. She said it was nice to meet me. I didn’t correct her by telling her she’d met me at least 5 times over 5 summers, because I was too busy making my shift from ‘sex kitten’ to ‘the girl that guys love to bring home to mom’.
When Idol ended, mom said good night and FWB gave me the eye… and I said, take me home. He thought I was kidding, but it was too late. ‘girl that guys love to bring home to mom’ had killed any urge in my body, and there was no way under any circumstances that I was going to even kiss him under the same roof as his mother. IT WAS HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN! We couldn’t fool around because both of our residences had parents in them. HOW FRICKIN EMBARRASSING!!!
So he drove me home, and I did what any teenage girl would do, I made out with him at every red light and got myself all wound up again and made him pull over into the community right before mine, and he backed into a guest spot and I pounced on him……..
Three minutes later a women from the house across the street was standing smoking a cigarette in her driveway. I told him that I thought she was taking down his license plate number and that we’d better go.
Now that I read this, it wouldn’t even make a good romantic comedy because it’s not funny, it’s just sad!
ps His mom is going out with her friends tomorrow night so I’m going to have to do a sneak in sneak out! High School!!!!