Meet The Nutritionist

I’ve mentioned her before but she has earned a place as a character. If this were a romantic comedy she’d be the wise mentor to my kooky character. Nutritionist and I have been working together for about 9 months. She is helping me with my “Type A/Perfectionist caused anxiety and my CRAVINGS for sugar (my cousin who’s a baker sent us a care package yesterday of organic/cane sugar free ginger cookies, chocolate chip with macadamia nut cookies and dark chocolate coconut cups… I started salivating then downed some DPA… ahhhhhh cravings melt away like butter on a warm slice of gluten free bread…) Anyway, I tangentilize…..

This blog sometimes turns into a confessional when I am not doing something right and I don’t want to let myself off the hook. Like when I wasn’t eating my breakfast one morning and it was noon… in my defense I was reading a chapter in her book about how important breakfast is, at the time.

So yesterday, I believe Nutritionist solved my life’s biggest question— was I a womanizing, heartbreaking man in my last life whose karma was to come back as a woman? I’ve always felt like I thought like a guy when it came to relationships.  Even the Superfriends are on my case about having Friend With Benefits, as the single ones are all ‘calling in the one.’ I don’t want the One, I want the one right now…

Back to Nutritionist’s latest news… I have normal testosterone but low estrogen. To me that means I’m more man than woman. So life’s question answered, I was definitely a male rock star in my last life who came back in the form of a hot woman with big boobs and a tiny waist, only with the testosterone to drive me to treat boys like toys and men like jail cells to run from. I was so happy to finally know the truth!!!

That’s when Nutritionist broke it to me that this was NOT a worthwhile blog entry because it meant no such thing. It simply meant that I needed some herbs and minerals to balance my levels. Well! I bet she thinks that San Diego means “Saint Diego” and not “the whale’s vagina.” And in the words of Ron Burgandy (Anchorman) we’re going to have to “agree to disagree” [side bar if you have not seen Anchorman it is a MUST!].

I don’t care if my hormones can be balanced with herbs and minerals! I know I was a male rockstar who had sex with sexy groupies all over the globe and now I’m paying for it in this life. I mean, really… what’s the alternative? That I’m just a commitment-phobe, who will always wonder what ‘could-have-been’ with First Love, so I’m destined to leave a trail of sweet young guys’ broken-hearted carcasses in my wake. NO! I’m sticking with my past life story!

Time for me to take my dab of L-glutamine, GABA Calm, and DPA!




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5 Responses to Meet The Nutritionist

  1. Sommelier (Cheers...) says:

    Oh RCG,

    Be careful with Nutritionist. I love her but alas my obsession for coffee (yes, coffee and wine) has perhaps gotten me fired as a client. Knowing that she means well when she says that caffeine could be affecting “something” (cannot remember her nutritional/health related term) and that I should quit — well — I still had to be honest with her. The honest truth is I don’t want to quit coffee — I love the warm liquid infusion in the morning. It’s part of my ritual. Come on, we cannot take away all the fun in life. Although living vicariously through you when it comes to men is a blast, I still need my coffee. When I told her that, well, I haven’t heard back from her and I did follow up. So, my guess is — I am fired.

    In her defense, this is not the first time I’ve been fired by someone in the health profession. Take for instance the time I decided I would hire a personal trainer. It was during the time my bathroom was being remodeled and I was staying with a gal pal. We may or may not have been on a Wii “Dancing With The Stars” jag and I may or may not have consumed some alcoholic beverages during the Will dance off. Perhaps the dance off lasted to the wee hours of the morning thanks to the Wii obsession. Anyhoo — I roll to my first appointment with said “personal trainer” — he took one look at me and asked with a crinkled up look of a holier than though exercise freak, “Did you drink last night?”. Me being WAY too honest, as I am on most occasions, replied ” Yes, I enjoy imbibing (thinking silently — Have you met me? )This is what you have to work with.” Well, apparently that didn’t work for him. He tried to sell me a bunch of protein shakes and told me to jump on the treadmill and that maybe we could revisit “personal training” when I was more ummmm committed… WHATEVER. I now go to the gym on my own — hungover if I want to (which by the way makes it more fun –seriously) but generally not too hungover because I did learn a bit about moderation from the nutritionist even if she did fire me.

    Back to the coffee and later wine. 🙂


    • DJ Super Pilot says:

      I can’t believe Nutritionist pulled a Trump on you….how dare she, I say….how dare she? xxoo

      • Personally, I think the personal trainer was far more like Trump! How dare Sommelier not be allowed to work out hung-over! IT’s her duty!!!

      • Sommelier (Cheers...) says:

        I totally get being fired by the nutritionist — I mean, I am a caffeine addict and that’s a hard battle to win. But…

  2. I had coffee once…. once

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