I’ve mentioned her before but she has earned a place as a character. If this were a romantic comedy she’d be the wise mentor to my kooky character. Nutritionist and I have been working together for about 9 months. She is helping me with my “Type A/Perfectionist caused anxiety and my CRAVINGS for sugar (my cousin who’s a baker sent us a care package yesterday of organic/cane sugar free ginger cookies, chocolate chip with macadamia nut cookies and dark chocolate coconut cups… I started salivating then downed some DPA… ahhhhhh cravings melt away like butter on a warm slice of gluten free bread…) Anyway, I tangentilize…..
This blog sometimes turns into a confessional when I am not doing something right and I don’t want to let myself off the hook. Like when I wasn’t eating my breakfast one morning and it was noon… in my defense I was reading a chapter in her book about how important breakfast is, at the time.
So yesterday, I believe Nutritionist solved my life’s biggest question— was I a womanizing, heartbreaking man in my last life whose karma was to come back as a woman? I’ve always felt like I thought like a guy when it came to relationships. Even the Superfriends are on my case about having Friend With Benefits, as the single ones are all ‘calling in the one.’ I don’t want the One, I want the one right now…
Back to Nutritionist’s latest news… I have normal testosterone but low estrogen. To me that means I’m more man than woman. So life’s question answered, I was definitely a male rock star in my last life who came back in the form of a hot woman with big boobs and a tiny waist, only with the testosterone to drive me to treat boys like toys and men like jail cells to run from. I was so happy to finally know the truth!!!
That’s when Nutritionist broke it to me that this was NOT a worthwhile blog entry because it meant no such thing. It simply meant that I needed some herbs and minerals to balance my levels. Well! I bet she thinks that San Diego means “Saint Diego” and not “the whale’s vagina.” And in the words of Ron Burgandy (Anchorman) we’re going to have to “agree to disagree” [side bar if you have not seen Anchorman it is a MUST!].
I don’t care if my hormones can be balanced with herbs and minerals! I know I was a male rockstar who had sex with sexy groupies all over the globe and now I’m paying for it in this life. I mean, really… what’s the alternative? That I’m just a commitment-phobe, who will always wonder what ‘could-have-been’ with First Love, so I’m destined to leave a trail of sweet young guys’ broken-hearted carcasses in my wake. NO! I’m sticking with my past life story!
Time for me to take my dab of L-glutamine, GABA Calm, and DPA!