I’m at one of those rare times in life where anything is possible. I’ve given myself the Eat Pray Love year… without leaving the country.. or eating Italian food.. I suppose I could start praying… and if you’ve been following this blog there’s been a little bit of lovin’… though really none to speak of. I literally got rid of almost everything I owned (boy was my housekeeper happy!) moved out of the place I’d lived for 14 years (it was getting moldy) and decided to travel to at least 15 new cities.
Right now, I’m in the same city as my mom, and I’m reliving childhood memories on a larger scale. When I was a kid, my mom embarrassed me.. a lot! We’d go to a store and she’d find a pull in a sweater and ask to see the manager so she could get the sweater discounted.. it always worked. She always said hello to every person she walked by on the street. If a person appeared to be of ‘Spanish speaking’ decent, she’d say, “Hola.” I would cringe. But worst of all was that she would sing and dance in public, as if no one else were in the mall, and the food court was her Broadway stage.
Well, now I’m giving HER a run for her money. I can discount shop like no one’s business. Those Maxxinistas got nothin’ on me… They can take their T.J. Maxx and I will raise them a Nordstrom Rack and it will be a throw down! Not only do I say hello to everyone I walk by (only in English, though), I talk to people in elevators… yup, I do. And as far as singing and dancing in public.. I really don’t know how it happened. You’d think that the scars from my childhood would have swayed me in such the opposite direction, but I memorized so many 80’s videos that not only do I sing and dance in public, I re-enact the video.
So, how is it, that my mom can still embarrass me? How else? Men. I truly am cherishing the time I have with my mom, so we’re doing lots of cool stuff together.. like acupuncture. Yes, I consider that cool. Yesterday, a new client was in the acupuncture office… a new ‘handsome’ client. My mom gave me the ‘eyes’ …. she should never poker. I looked him over. Fantastic build! Very well dressed. Completely shaven (cue the scratch on the record player sound effect)
Completely shaven… hmm. Being from L.A. first instinct- GAY! As in Yogi Cupcake, you have a pick up at Sprinkles. But, then I thought, what would Soulmate Guru and Dating Guru say? Maybe, he’s a swimmer.. or a triathlete. Yes! New Hot Guy is a triathlete, those extra hairs could add crucial seconds to his finish time. Buuuuuuuuuuut.. then I heard him say his name. He had two first names, not like the gay guys in West Hollywood who have a first name for a last name so their full name is ‘David Paul’… no, this guy had two first names AND a last name. So let’s just call him JeffAnthony. I’m thinking SO gay… and wishing he did live in West Hollywood, because I have SO many guy friends to set him up with! But again, just in case he’s not..
First of all… that’s a lot of syllables to have to get out of your mouth in the heat of passion. It wold probably wind up all shortened and lispy like Jefthy! Oh Jefthy! Or… if I wanted to think positively, I could close my eyes, pronounce both names clearly, and pretend I was in a threesome! Oh Jeff.. Anthony! Yee-essss. I’m starting to see some possibility…
I even broached the subject of his sexual preference with my acupuncturist as she was sticking needles in me. Knowing how professional she is, I knew I couldn’t girlie gossip, so I simply said, “It’s so confusing in this city. In LA, I see a great looking guy, who is well dressed and shaven and I immediately know he’s gay. Especially when he has two first names.” To which she replied, “Well not here. My new client is not gay. He’s an athlete. And don’t ask me anything else….. (pause)….He’s actually very nice, too.”
Hmm. I may be in. I’ll bet she’ll schedule us at the same time. I fell asleep on that thought, only to be awoken by the heat lamps being pulled from my body (the worst part of the treatment. I could live under those heat lamps).
I was excited about the future possibilities of running into JeffAnthony, when my mom informed me, that she’d been chatting me up to the girl at the front desk, in the hopes of making a love connection. According to mom, Front Desk Gal was going to be looking out for me.
UH! Utter humiliation! Now, I’m embarrassed to go back! And who does their hair and put on mascara for acupuncture? ME.. now! Oh brother! But she didn’t stop there.
I have a favorite Yoga instructor at my gym, here (don’t tell Yogi Cupcake). Unlike LA, the yoga instructors here are straight. Perhaps you remember me mentioning one a month or so ago. Of course, he was a baby, so while I gawk, I don’t touch. I was trying to turn my mom onto his class, but he’s been away for 24 days, in Israel. Today he returned. Mom got to meet him. A nice Jewish guy, who while he teaches at my gym also has his own facility where he trains yoga instructors. AND mom thinks he’s cute. He is, but Yogi Cupcake explained that there’s some Yogi law, that you can’t sleep with/date your students, unless they stop coming to your class. I need this one great class more than I need sex. THAT’S how mediocre the instructors are here. So, I’ve been ignoring his looks.
But mom swooped in on him after class, getting his entire life’s itinerary, and promising we’d make the trip to a further away gym for his Wed & Fri classes. He was pleased that she was such a fan, and then she gave me ‘the eyes’ RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM!!! He actually flushed and he was TAN! Now I have to see him at 11am knowing full well, mom will be giving me ‘eyes’ the whole class!
I don’t know what to make of this behavior. I’m thinking she’s thinking, if she can set me up with a man here, I’ll stay close to home. I’m thinkin’ that if she doesn’t ease up, she’s going to scare all the fish from my bait. Literally! She’s like the one person in the group you take fishing, and everyone sits silently until someone gets a nibble, and she gets so excited she stands up in the boat and scares all the fish!
I may have to get my own boat!
Haa…haa….now, that IS embarrassing. Although, my mom took a little different approach, always trying to keep men away from me.
At 14, in front of my best friend (while we were discussing a particularly yummy guy in class), she said…..’You know you don’t have to have sex just because you’re horny. That’s what masturbation is for. You’ll enjoy that more anyway’ Uggghhh…..
At 15, my stepfather announces that I need to get on the pill. ‘But Dad….I’m not having sex yet.’ He laughs and says, ‘You need to be on it anyway. Your step sister started having sex at 15.’ Again, said in front of a friend.
At 16, my mom informs me that I don’t have to get married, that I should just live with a guy, and if I want to have kids, then get a sperm donor.
Dinner conversations were very interesting at my house.
That is HYSTERICAL!!!! My mom once told me at dinner, in front of my best friend, that I “sure knew how to hold that hotdog well.” I was in high school and my best friend never let me live it down. The irony is that my mom didn’t realize what she was implying. She literally was impressed by how neatly I held my hotdog together with all of the stuff on it, never allowing anything to fall to the plate. Ah yes, the random talents of RCG.