Girls, If You Want To Get A Man… Get Your Curve On!

This came directly from the Lion’s Den. The Lion is my hairdresser, and no matter where I am in the country, every other month I return home to spend two hours in the Den. The Lion never ceases to entertain me. He is very opinionated when it comes to women and beauty, and being one of the few ‘straight’ hairdressers in Los Angeles, I take his opinion very seriously. He’s also no where near a metro-sexual. He wears big t-shirts, has a car but drives his new ‘toy’ all the time (a motorcycle, but not a big heavy one like a Harley or a BMW, it’s one of those high ones that can race), he’s always in a baseball cap, and he is a total caffeine junkie!

So, the Lion was coloring my roots, and being bored with having to wait for it to take, he whips out a gossip magazine, and tells me he wants to “Fergie-ize” me. Fergie has new highlights which come from underneath or something.. I don’t know, I just couldn’t bare to watch him pacing like a caged animal after making himself like 4 double espressos, so I told him to have at it.

As he was “highlighting me from underneath,” the magazine was still on the table within’ eyes reach and he commented on one of the ‘too skinny’ actresses, who used to look great but now, after a breakup.. not so great, rather unhealthy in fact. So, I won’t mention her name, I’ll just send positive thoughts that she will overcome whatever is causing this unfortunate weight loss.

Lion just came out and said it, “If you girls want to get a man, you’ve got to get your curve on.”

Huh? Did he mean “get your swerve on?” a term I learned from the movie Hustle and Flow, and therefore thought it was something perverted.  He continued…

“I have a theory that any guy who is attracted to a girl who has no hips or butt is a closet homosexual. I mean why else would he want his girlfriend to look like a 13 year old boy?” He made a good and interesting point, so I didn’t interrupt…

“It’s in a man’s DNA that we are attracted to women with hips and curves because it signifies good breeding material. It is natural for a man to want a woman who can breed. And let’s face it, a real man wants something he can grab onto!” Then he busted out something he read in some news source that didn’t have the Prince of England or The Bachelorette on the cover…

“Woman who are focused on their career are changing the physiology of the whole gender. These woman are all torso, there’s no hips, no butt, just a long torso. This is not attractive to a guy. I understand that women want to be successful in business, but it doesn’t mean they have to look like a guy physically.”

He talked about his successful female clients who complain about how work keeps them too busy to find a man or how men are too intimidated by them.

“Show some boobs and ass and a guy won’t be intimidated by you! Eat a sandwich to put some meat on those hips and guy won’t care how late you’re working, he’ll wait up to grab hold of ’em.”

Could this be the answer to all of our body concerns? The realization that men don’t care if we are a size 2 and in fact prefer that we’re not, and if they don’t we can know that it’s not us, it’s their deep seeded, latent homosexuality? I feel so free! I’m going to eat a steak and NOT cut off the fatty part that tastes the best! The next time one of my girlfriends sees me eating a gluten free pizza and tells me that cheese is going to go right to my hips, I’m going to yell, “Yes, I’m gettin’ laid tonight!” Well, actually I’ll yell it, but I won’t mean it as, 1. I don’t have meaningless one night stands even if I’m feeling orgasmic from gluten free pizza which I only get to eat every other month when I’m in L.A. and 2. Because I am attracting my soulmate at the moment and therefore wouldn’t want to miss him because I was in bed with some young hottie, who was grabbing my lovely lady lumps… Yikes! I think these highlights are making me channel Fergie.

The moral of the story, Ladies, is you can all rest easy and eat a pancake, with syrup. In fact you can eat ANYTHING Paula Dean makes, because this obsession with being a size 0 is not only unhealthy, it is unattractive to the heterosexual male species which you are trying to attract.

So… love yourself, love your body, and you will find love.

Thanks Lion!

©2011

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15 Responses to Girls, If You Want To Get A Man… Get Your Curve On!

  1. Miserable Mom says:

    YES! I could not agree more! Men don’t care what we look like once we are in the sack, they are just happy to be there! 🙂 EAT and BE MERRY

    • And by “EAT and BE MERRY” you mean…
      A. Men are happy as long as they are in the sack or eating or being merry
      B. Men are merry when they’re in the sack eating
      C. I went to a dirty place and you meant that women should eat and be merry
      Love you Miserable Mom!

  2. ClimberGal says:

    Love it! enjoy that fatty part of the steak!

  3. Paula says:

    And just remember that Marilyn Monroe, the blonde bombshell of all bombshells was a size 12…curves, baby, all the way.

  4. Awesome article! Not to go geeky on you but “slim being in” is less than about – oh – I don’t know – maybe 40 years old. Before that time – big bosoms, big hips and a big rear was the “in” package. Do any of those women who were painted and adored in the Renaissance portraits look anorexic? I dont think so.
    On a serious note, if you want to love someone – take a long hard look in the mirror and be certain the reflection looking back at you love ‘s you !! You want to attract love? Love yourself! You want to be in love? Love yourself!
    And remember ladies, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder – not the scale!
    Dr. Patty Ann
    http://www.drpattyann.com

    • How excited am I that Dr. Patty Ann commented on my blog?!?! Talk about relationship expert!!! Ladies, check out her site! Come back often Dr. Patty Ann… Lord knows I need you! Although maybe you should ignore all the past posts about my first love, and definitely any posts containing Shady my ex-fiance.. probably should avoid the recent ones about my “friend with benefits” as well.. You, know, just read from here on out… that past is in the past.. Gulp!

  5. Kirin says:

    And if you don’t have them naturally, I give you full permission to buy them.

    • The episode of Betthenny when she buys and wears a “fake butt” was hysterical! I’m assuming you mean boobs, because if there’s hip implant surgery, I MUST blog about it! 🙂

  6. Love all of yourself – what a freeing thought – lady you are on fire with this post…singing to my heart (and my tastebuds!)

  7. Page Turner says:

    I’m so late to the game on this post but I have to put in my two cents! My favorite thing about being married to a music man is hearing so many many men comment about the exact subject of this post. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting in a studio as he winds down a session and the subject turns to this, it happens surprisingly often. I remember one time we were sitting in a studio with a big group of wonderful rockstars and one guy picked up a mag and said “damn (insert actress’s name here) looks so good again. She was really looking bad for a while, WAY too skinny”. I piped up and said “Yeah that’s cuz she’s gaining weight since she’s pregnant” (She was early on and her pregnancy was not featured in the photo) and he said “Well there you go, women look SO much better when they have curves and look like women not little boys. She’s pregnant and gaining weight and looks beautiful and healthy, as she should, not sick and emaciated!” I left that day feeling so sexy. I was happy that I have curves and it felt great!

    Embrace your curves girls, the real men out there really do enjoy real women!

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