This came directly from the Lion’s Den. The Lion is my hairdresser, and no matter where I am in the country, every other month I return home to spend two hours in the Den. The Lion never ceases to entertain me. He is very opinionated when it comes to women and beauty, and being one of the few ‘straight’ hairdressers in Los Angeles, I take his opinion very seriously. He’s also no where near a metro-sexual. He wears big t-shirts, has a car but drives his new ‘toy’ all the time (a motorcycle, but not a big heavy one like a Harley or a BMW, it’s one of those high ones that can race), he’s always in a baseball cap, and he is a total caffeine junkie!
So, the Lion was coloring my roots, and being bored with having to wait for it to take, he whips out a gossip magazine, and tells me he wants to “Fergie-ize” me. Fergie has new highlights which come from underneath or something.. I don’t know, I just couldn’t bare to watch him pacing like a caged animal after making himself like 4 double espressos, so I told him to have at it.
As he was “highlighting me from underneath,” the magazine was still on the table within’ eyes reach and he commented on one of the ‘too skinny’ actresses, who used to look great but now, after a breakup.. not so great, rather unhealthy in fact. So, I won’t mention her name, I’ll just send positive thoughts that she will overcome whatever is causing this unfortunate weight loss.
Lion just came out and said it, “If you girls want to get a man, you’ve got to get your curve on.”
Huh? Did he mean “get your swerve on?” a term I learned from the movie Hustle and Flow, and therefore thought it was something perverted. He continued…
“I have a theory that any guy who is attracted to a girl who has no hips or butt is a closet homosexual. I mean why else would he want his girlfriend to look like a 13 year old boy?” He made a good and interesting point, so I didn’t interrupt…
“It’s in a man’s DNA that we are attracted to women with hips and curves because it signifies good breeding material. It is natural for a man to want a woman who can breed. And let’s face it, a real man wants something he can grab onto!” Then he busted out something he read in some news source that didn’t have the Prince of England or The Bachelorette on the cover…
“Woman who are focused on their career are changing the physiology of the whole gender. These woman are all torso, there’s no hips, no butt, just a long torso. This is not attractive to a guy. I understand that women want to be successful in business, but it doesn’t mean they have to look like a guy physically.”
He talked about his successful female clients who complain about how work keeps them too busy to find a man or how men are too intimidated by them.
“Show some boobs and ass and a guy won’t be intimidated by you! Eat a sandwich to put some meat on those hips and guy won’t care how late you’re working, he’ll wait up to grab hold of ’em.”
Could this be the answer to all of our body concerns? The realization that men don’t care if we are a size 2 and in fact prefer that we’re not, and if they don’t we can know that it’s not us, it’s their deep seeded, latent homosexuality? I feel so free! I’m going to eat a steak and NOT cut off the fatty part that tastes the best! The next time one of my girlfriends sees me eating a gluten free pizza and tells me that cheese is going to go right to my hips, I’m going to yell, “Yes, I’m gettin’ laid tonight!” Well, actually I’ll yell it, but I won’t mean it as, 1. I don’t have meaningless one night stands even if I’m feeling orgasmic from gluten free pizza which I only get to eat every other month when I’m in L.A. and 2. Because I am attracting my soulmate at the moment and therefore wouldn’t want to miss him because I was in bed with some young hottie, who was grabbing my lovely lady lumps… Yikes! I think these highlights are making me channel Fergie.
The moral of the story, Ladies, is you can all rest easy and eat a pancake, with syrup. In fact you can eat ANYTHING Paula Dean makes, because this obsession with being a size 0 is not only unhealthy, it is unattractive to the heterosexual male species which you are trying to attract.
So… love yourself, love your body, and you will find love.