I have to get this off my chest as it’s fresh in my mind. There were three critical offenses happening simultaneously in the sauna today. Perhaps, I am the only one who finds them offensive, and if that’s the case, fine… don’t do them when you’re in the sauna with me. I will list the offenses from least offensive to MOST and TERRIBLY OFFENSIVE.
1. Speaking loudly with your friend. Look, when I am in a sauna with a friend, alone, we have been known to converse. It’s not offensive if no one else is in the sauna to be offended. But the minute someone else enters the sauna, it becomes a sanctuary. Perhaps the occasional whisper to one another, but sometimes that’s as annoying as loud talkers. Let’s be real. You’re not going to be in the sauna for more than 20 minutes or so, you can hold your “life’s epiphany” for a little while longer.
2. Blasting your iPod and doing sit-ups. Ummmm, call me crazy, but isn’t that why the gym floor is 30 paces away? Get out of the sauna, and do your sit ups in the gym! If you want to sweat, throw on a thermal underwear top! IF you don’t want to cover yourself because you want to show off your abs, I’m not bitin’ lady! I don’t care if you’ve got a 12-pack or a muffin top! I’m not checking you out in the sauna! I am in the sauna to relax in tranquility, and that ACID ROCK blasting from your iPod, is blocking my Chi! I’m taking meditative breaths in here and that’s not easy to do at this temperature, and raising my blood pressure with your rude behavior is not helping!
3. Brace yourselves ladies, I’m about to get nasty. And I don’t mean “mean/nasty” I mean “gross/nasty.” Remember Dolphin shorts? They had an elastic band but they weren’t tight around the legs? I guess the new version of those is a thinner more “parachute pants” material, but the fit is the same- tight elastic band at the top, and wide around the thigh, yet short, quite short! Now, this length does not bother me when someone is standing up. It also doesn’t bother me when someone is sitting up like a lady. It starts to bother me when someone is lying down with her knees up, because her butt is visible… but not being a prude, I can deal. However, when someone is lying down, with one knee bent, and the other open to the side, there is a clear view of the crotch area. Again, wouldn’t be terribly offensive in a sauna IF the chick were wearing underwear!!!! I might even be less offended if she were waxed, because then, I’d technically be looking at skin, and if I were able to identify “lady parts” it meant that “I” was looking too closely! Now, had she been vajazzled, THEN not only would it NOT have been offensive, it totally would have turned into “chick talk time” because girlfriend would have had to share the bejeweled vajooge, so we all could get a good look, for research purposes. The talking chicks would now be talking with everyone, even crunch girl, would turn off the music for a closer look and we would all bond beautifully and agree to meet there every week at the same time. BUT, such was not the case with the furry forest vajooge! Now, I don’t expect all women to wax.. why the heck would you.. it kills! It’s torture! I only do it because I like pain.. But this chick was moving her legs back and forth, to let her bush blow in the breeze.. and it was hot and there was condensation going on in there. She’d been in there much longer than I had. And I didn’t WANT to stare, but it keeps drawing you back. Like, am I really seeing what I’m seeing? (peek) Yup! no underwear, definitely not… Is it really possible for pubic hair to grow so high and so wide? (peek) Yup! It’s possible and it’s happening right there! Where? (peek) Right there! Did she just change positions? (peek) Yup! She did… still have full frontal vajooge view though. IS she drinking water? (peek) Yup! But obviously she doesn’t have to close her legs to do that. I don’t like seeing sweat beads dripping from a vajooge… it’s gross, I’m gross just writing about it..
Sister is screaming “Eww!” in her office as she reads this, I just know it. But if I have helped one modern day version of an unwaxed dolphin shorts wearer, who likes to go commando, see the errors of her ways, and spare another RCG fan’s eyes the burn that has been permanently scared my corneas, then my work is done here!