Stick A Fork In Me… I’m Done!

I know I didn’t give it much of a chance, but this CAN’T be the way I’m supposed to meet men! Not ONE even got a second look (except of course the hot 22-year-old who keeps writing, but I’ve kept my pimp hand strong). A few (as in 10 out of over 200) have written and actually replied to my profile, and even if they didn’t all answer my “question” I overlooked it because they did read and comment. Unfortunately they are SO NOT my type, and I felt obligated to write back to be nice since they seemed nice, and eventually I had to tell them I was not interested, which sucked. The rest I could give a crap about because they fell into one of the following 5 categories.

WARNING: This is going to make me look really bitchy, which is exactly why this dating method is not right for me, because it brings out my mean streak. In “… ” is their message to me. After is what I wanted to write back, but of course didn’t…

1.  Boring me and you didn’t read my profile

“hi Gorgeous! Just wanted to let you know how cute you look out there :)”- well, I’m on this site to meet a guy who wants to read my profile, see if he’s interested and write me a nice note if he is, NOT some guy who’s going to tell me what I look like when I look in the mirror everyday and know what I look like..

“Dont mean to sound generic… nice pic & profile ;)” -then why would you write something generic?!?!?

“Hey whats up? You are a beautiful woman and I would really love yo get to know you better! 🙂 I think we could have a great time” – Then you shouldn’t have stopped at my picture and judging my looks, because I looked at your profile and we have NOTHING in common.. including beauty!

2. Yes and… 

“hi how are you”- I was fine until you wasted space in my inbox.

“amazing smile (:” -okay…. and so…..?

“hello I like your hat” -so do I that’s why I bought it

“Hey mrs smith” -was that the most clever thing you could come up with?

“love the shirt :)” -Mmm hmmm… I bet you’d love what’s under the shirt, but because you didn’t respond to my profile, you’ll never know.

“hi lets meet for a drink” -let’s not and say we did.. no let’s not and say nothing!

“Hi, How you been? How was your day? Besos” -Really? How I been? I been good. My day was good. Don’t write back!

“I would like to talk to you.” -I bet you would. I would like to talk to a guy who read my profile, but that’s not you, so buzz off!

3. I know I’m Wrong But I’ll Waste Your Time Anyway

“Hey, I just wanted to say that you are sooo wonderful, like a real Princess, and I know that you deserve the best in this life and no something so simple like me. But if you like simple people, here I am. I’ll be honest to you letting you know a little about me. My name is A; Cuban; 42 years old; living in South Beach, Miami Beach. I am 5′ 8″, 170 pounds, average/athletic, don’t smoke, drink occasionally, single.
I don’t have a boat, dont even know how to ride a motorcycle, and now adding I dont have my car, so maybe a perfect disaster.I have been in the States for over 8 years. I work for a company as CPO (Certified Pool Operator; a pool guy). I like for fun a lot of nice things such as going to the beach, night walks on the beach, out dinners, movies (at home or movie theaters), travel (when I have the money and time), play baseball/softball, watch sports, concerts, romantic moments, dance
(anykind of music, just to have fun)……….Well Princess, if you like what this simple guy has to offer; and you like to give me a call or text , my number is …………I would love to hear back from you” -If I wanted to hear from you I would have asked for someone to please write to me who is the exact opposite of what I talked about in my profile, and knows, but writes to me anyway, because I have tons of time to sort through duds who blatantly tell me they are a disaster. Thanks for that!

4. Lascivious  

“hello sexy! would you be interested?” – UH NO! And put a frickin’ shirt on dimwit!

“very delicious… 🙂 Care to visit Cape cod in the summer and Florida in the winter??:)” -Ewwww!

“I like your profile, and I think your stunningly beautiful, I might just surprise you…..
The old Chicago way!,,,,,GrrrowwL” -Okay, I don’t even want to know what the heck THAT means!

“Good Evening 2 U …OMG you have the most beautiful hair ! its very sexy and you look so Hot! I’m sure U hear that all the time,but i just had to say it.” -This only works when you’re 22 years old and hot, not when you say you’re 46 when you’re clearly 68!

“I like your smile.” – doesn’t seem lascivious, but if you saw the picture.. scary!!

5. Know your league! 

“Hi there. I noticed your photo and read your profile and would like to get to know you better. My name is C and I am a father of two boys. I am very active in their life and enjoy life to the fullest. I enjoy quiet walks, bicycle riding, traveling and most importantly spending time with someone special. 😉 Pictures and words don’t tell the whole story. Lets talk sometime.” -Yeah, they pretty much DO tell the whole story.

“bonjour sweet nice cute young lady”- Au revoir weird old guy, who has no idea if I’m nice, and judging by the response I’d like to send you, clearly I’m not!

I apologize if I offended any of you with my meanness. I’m not usually like this. And obviously I didn’t actually respond to any of these guys. That was just the devil on my shoulder typing. Internet dating is just bringing out my Scorpio stinger. This is not for me. And the worst part, is they make it so confusing to figure out how the heck to delete my profile which I plan to do as soon as I post this.

Here’s my thinking… I know it’s naive and in line with my “romantic comedy fantasy” but I don’t care. Since 1995 I’ve had not one, not two, but three palm readers or psychics tell me that I already know the man I’m going to marry. So even though I overstayed my better instincts in my Shady relationship, because I thought he was the palm reader’s prediction, I am still going to hold onto the idea, that I don’t have to meet any more strange guys, because my soulmate is someone I already know.


This entry was posted in Chick lit, romantic comedy, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Stick A Fork In Me… I’m Done!

  1. Yvonne Hall says:

    But meeting the strange guys is probably part of the plan. I met and dated and knew my guy. He was still playin around. So I moved on … knowing in my heart he was my guy. When he saw how someone was treating me like a princess and that I knew I deserved that treatment .. he was back and asking if he could try again. But it took the other to make it happen.

  2. AdventureBiz Babe says:

    Trust me, I do know the feeling…..When I was online dating, my inbox became an ongoing mess of “did you read my profile?” and having to tell them I was not interested, (I got pretty good at that). I was lucky in that there were many who did….and I had some great dates, and eventually met my beloved.

    BUT, this isn’t supposed to be a source of never-ending frustration. Yes, in this weird relationship journey you are supposed to step out of your comfort zone and be open to new people and ways of meeting them, but you’re NOT supposed to hate the process. If you do, it’s just not the right process for you. This whole thing is supposed to be fun, and if it’s not, no matter how hard you would like it to be, then there is something else out there that will work better for you, and will be fun. You just haven’t found it yet, but keep the faith……you will, and it will be the perfect thing for you!

  3. Page Turner says:

    I agree with AdventureBiz Babe it should be fun and not drive you nuts. For me in the beginning it just got to weird so I decided to take matters into my own hands and contact guys I was interested in. I honestly don’t know that I went out with anyone who contacted me (at least that I remembered). I contacted the guys I was interested in and felt more in control, which I think I needed more than anything at that point. Keep us posted!

  4. THAT was defiantly part of the problem. I looked through pages and pages of guys and there wasn’t one I would have wanted to contact. Just not the right way to go for me…

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