There are not enough diamond tiaras to rate this film. It was so freakin’ funny, I can’t believe it! I was expecting to enjoy it, but not expecting it to be in the running for one of my favorite movies ever. Maybe that’s premature, but I’m trying really hard to focus on the funny. I’m trying really hard because out of two hours, pretty much 100 minutes were funny, and I’m trying really hard not to focus on the twenty that weren’t, especially the three minutes that were downright painful.
I’m not spoiling anything by telling you that JT’s dad in the movie has a monologue about his first love who he let get away. I felt like I was on one of those carnival stages in front of a live audience, being spun around on a red and yellow wooden wheel, while someone threw knives at me. Only instead of the knives hitting the wood all around me, I was hit in the heart and the gut, over and over. Why couldn’t I get a knife in the head, so I wouldn’t be able to think about him.
HIM! I’ve been trying SO HARD, not to think about him. Not to write about him. Being in NY last month it took everything not to blog about him everyday. I was on Long Island for Pete’s Sake! How could I not think about him?!
I get so angry with myself because I don’t understand why I can’t just move on! Why I can’t let him go. Why I watch a movie monologue about a guy telling his son not to make the mistake he made and go get the girl, and all I can think is did I make a huge mistake? Nights like tonight I worry that I’ll never move on. That I’ll never be able to love someone like I love him. And then I think I’m just being dramatic and that I don’t even know him now.
But none of it matters. The rationalizations, the conversations to convince myself to let him go, the rituals to get rid of energetic ties… it’s all bullshit, because the older I get the more I know, that no matter how hard it tries, my mind never wins the battle. He’s in my blood that rushes to my extremities to fight or to flight, leaving my stomach empty and nauseous. He’s in my heart that hurts so deeply that sometimes I think it may just run out of the will to keep beating. He’s in my skin, so anyone else who touches me, can’t penetrate my pores, because they’re filled with him. He’s in my muscles that grow weaker when I need the strength to reach for someone else. He’s in my eyes and blinds me from seeing possibilities of anyone else.
I’ve tried books. I’ve tried journaling. I’ve tried rituals that people pay thousands of dollars for to release the hold of a past love and nothing works. My brain fights my body and it doesn’t win. At night it gives up and allows me to dream about him. I wake up the next morning sad, missing him, wishing our lives were different.
Every happy ending makes me think of him.
Sometimes I wonder if I was a really horrible person in my last life, like an awful womanizing casanova who broke so many hearts that this is my karma. How can I be in love with someone for twenty years and not be able to get past it? That’s 4 times as many years as I was actually with him. Do you follow me? My math may not be accurate, but four years with him… 16 years not and my body aches as if no time has gone by. How is this possible? How do I make it stop?!?! I really need it to stop…
So, yes, great movie I highly recommend it. Sorry I went off on a down tangent, but with movies like One Day coming out soon, you may have to prepare yourself for more of this to come. I apologize in advance…