Don’t be jealous! Just because going to the ‘lady doctor’ is the worst day of the year and I just happened to have spent it with a character from Friends. I’m one of the only people I know who doesn’t mind going to the dentist, but the gyno… is there any woman who enjoys that? I don’t think so. Although a few of my friends who will remain nameless, all go to a particularly hot gyno in Beverly Hills, and then talk about him for days.

I don’t want a male gyno and the thought of a hot one? OH NO… no, no, no, no… Why would you want a hot guy poking around in your arousal zone for dangerous cells. Hot guy and Pap Smear do not belong in the same sentence. And what about the breast exam? It’s like the scene from Dirty Dancing when Patrick Swayze brushes Baby’s boob in their dance lesson and she keeps cracking up. That would be me. Hot gyno would be feeling me up and I’d be cracking up… because what is the alternative? Enjoying it? That’s just wrong, y’all.

So, I’ll stick with Monica. Let me preface this by saying, she was a new doctor for me. Being far from my LA doctor, I had to find someone local. There’s nothing worse than the anticipation of meeting a new gyno. Well, that’s not true, there’s plenty of worse things, but in the moment, this one feels pretty bad.  I loosened up when I got to the waiting room. All of the women were about my age and beautiful. They looked like girls I’d want to hang out with, which probably was good for Dr. Geller because it meant that they were all waxed and quite possibly vajazzled.

And then it was my turn to go in. When the doctor came in she WAS Monica Geller! Not only did she look exactly like her, she embodied her energy. It’s good to have a frenetic, control freak, perfectionist as your gyno! And she was funny like Monica. I told her about the work I’d done with Nutritionist, and  she has found that an extremely large percentage of her patients over 40 are coming in with Gluten intolerances, so we talked about it for a while. Then I told her about my Buried Treasure (you’ll have to seek that one out in the archives), and she gave me some sucky news! I told her the results of my hormone test and she told me in her experience you could take that saliva test every day and get a different result. I told her that when I don’t take the supplement I feel like I’m in a constant state of PMS. And here’s were it got sucky… she said that I AM in a constant state of PMS, “Welcome to your 40s.” What the French, Toast? Why do the 40s have to be so hard on the body? Hair turns gray, eye sight gets bad, constant state of PMS? Sucky!

On the other hand, for all those guys who were players in their 20s and early 30s and then settled down, after years of hurting women, they get their payback in their 40s when their wives turn into PMS monsters.

The good news is, Buried Treasure is doing the trick, so there is hope. Then it was time for Monica to leave the room so I could get into my pink and white paper out fits. I’ve been working out with Mrs Rockbody so when I went to put on the pink paper top, my strength tore the back halfway. Wanting to make a good first impression AKA not wanting to look like a doofus who can’t put on a paper gown properly, I did a little work on it Rachel Zoe style, and came up with a very chic, look. After all, those gowns and white cover ups are one size its all. That means they have to fit women from 100 pounds to 300 pounds. I was getting lost in all of that crepe paper! By the time Monica came in, I looked like the final model who comes down the runway in the wedding gown. I was in a giant poof of white crepe paper, with a twisted sleeve, plunging back, pink paper top that opened in the front. If I had and extra white cover, I would have made crepe paper flowers to add to the pink top, because lord knows we spend enough time sitting in that freezing room in nothing but paper waiting for the doctor to come back in.

Because my doctor was Monica Geller, I felt like she’s been my friend for years, so I asked a lot more questions than I normally would. Like the “butt exam.” What’s up with that? It’s all of 2 seconds. Finger in. Finger out. Done! So I had to ask, “That was so quick. What can you possibly learn from that?” I was shocked how much she learned from that when she explained it to me. The good news is, everything is smooth and perfect in there, and the surrounding ‘neighborhoods.’

There’s only one issue I have with Dr. Geller’s office. The postcards. It’s one thing to send a postcard that you’re due for your yearly checkup, but they send your pap results on a postcard. It’s not a problem for me. I’m used to getting it in a closed envelope, but to save on paper, I’m not opposed to the concept, until it hit me…

What about the poor mailman? He sees postcards. What if he is going to one of the nice peoples’ houses, you know, the ones who actually tip him at Christmas, and he sees the postcard that Mrs Nice House, has an irregular Pap. Now HE’S the bearer of the bad news. That’s going to weigh heavily on his heart all day. ‘Poor Mrs Nice House’.

Now imagine Mailmen seeing these types of postcards everyday. It’s no wonder they’re emotional wrecks and ‘go postal!’

All I can say to you Mailmen, is that ‘no one told you life was gonna be this way…(clap clap clap clap clap)

©2011