Yes, I’m talking about the movie and yes, I’m also talking about the question  I got last night.. for my phone number not the “number” of guys I’d slept with. I started thinking about the movie What’s Your Number, which I’m really excited to see because I think Anna Faris is frickin’ hilarious!

However, what got me thinking about this, was washing my zucchini tonight. That is not a metaphor, I was cooking. Before I cut up my zucchini, I wash it down with Veggie Wash. As I was rubbing it down with the vegetable wash, I was thinking, ‘Man, I miss rubbing zucchinis!’. That was a metaphor. The last zucchini I rubbed down was Friend With Benefits’ and that was a while ago!

Last night I went to a club with a girlfriend. A guy she liked met us there and brought his very cute friend.. and by cute I mean young! I sized him up at about 22, I was off by 3 years but I think that’s because he was foreign which made him a bit hard to understand, which made him giggly, which made him seem that much younger. So 25. While my girlfriend was flirting with the guy she liked, this kid was chatting me up, asking about things that guys who want to get to know you better, ask. And I was just not responding. I’d give him one word answers and then not reciprocate the question as one normally does in a social situation.

When he said, “You don’t like me?” I responded, “You’re too young for me to like.” He asked me how old I was and I responded by showing him with my fingers so there would be no confusion in the loudness that surrounded us. He still made me repeat it on my fingers, and the look of shock on his face was priceless. I’m guessing his mom isn’t much older than me.

Then when he was able to collect his thoughts, his first question was, do I have any children? Again, look of complete and utter shock when I said, no. Of course, next comes are you married? No… still shocking. Then, Divorced?…. No. “Why not?” he asked. “Why not what?” I asked in return. “Why, you’re not married or divorced?” My answer of ‘because I’m smart’ completely flummoxed him.

Now, he’s 25, so from him the questions don’t really bother me, but from older guys it does… especially when they’re divorced. My answer is always ‘Because I was smart enough to never make it legal.” I don’t understand why this is a confusing answer.

Okay, if I was my age and never had a long term relationship, maybe I would understand their concern. But I had everything a typical married couple in their 30’s had: a 7 year relationship (actually, my non-marriage lasted longer than many legal marriages), no sex in my relationship, a kid (granted the kid was my fiance, but he still acted like one), fights about money, talks about dreams that would never come to fruition…. I mean, I WAS SMART ENOUGH NOT TO MAKE IT LEGAL..

So, these divorced guys, who had to give their exes half of everything, including their retirement funds and savings, are judging me, who kept my savings, kept my retirement fund, (plus all of the other investments I have) and kept everything in our house that he didn’t personally buy or that I didn’t want, AND I kept the dogs? AND he got to keep his debt that an ex-spouse would have had to split? …. They are judging ME?

Anyway, again I tangentalize…

After our evening ended, my friend brought up that she wasn’t sure if this guy was ‘dating material’ and she had made a commitment to herself to stick to guys with possibility for a future. Yet, she was on the fence because she hadn’t had a zucchini for a long time. I understood her pain and told her about the What’s Your Number movie.

The problem with that theory at our age, is there are a lot more years between losing your virginity and now, compared to the age of the girls in the movie. Although I remember being in college and hearing about some of the girls numbers who had no problem shouting out that they were in their 50s, 70’s or 90’s… gulp! That’s not me. Between 3 long term relationships and 2 -4 year zucchini gaps, I can still go see that movie and know I don’t have to revisit any puppeteers, but still, zucchinis are a beautiful thing and I miss them terribly!

Off to eat my zucchini dinner… again, NOT a metaphor this time.

©2011