Thanks to Joel Mchale and The Soup, I came across a show that Dr. Oz (whom I’ve never watched and now I know why) did on the “real age” of your vagina (and for you men who are reading this, he did the penis too). I don’t normally link for y’all, but this is just wrong!
Apparently if I don’t have sex at least once a week, my vajooge is going to be 84 in like no-time! This is unacceptable! My face looks like I’m in my 30s, my body looks like I’m in my 20s…. I’d like my teenage vajooge back! Okay, I’ll settle for my 20-something vajooge.
According to Dr. Oz the way to reverse my aging vajooge is getting more sleep, taking zinc (I’ll have to check with Nutritionist to see if she’s in agreement), and sex once a week.
How am I supposed to have sex once a week when I’m single and not slutty?! Why should good girls have old vaginas? It’s not right.
And the men I’m meeting are not helping! You should hear some of the lines I’ve been getting lately. Mrs. Rockbody and I were working out together in the gym last week, when a giant juice-head walked up to me and whispered in my ear that ‘while my underwear is very sexy, I may not want the whole gym seeing it’ and then walked away because I was so stunned that my normally quick wit, was thrown and I just stood there staring at him as if he were a martian.
I was stunned because A. I was wearing a black thong which is hardly interesting, and only the top rim was peeking out, so he couldn’t even tell it was a thong and B. WHO DOES THAT? Who tries to make conversation starting off with a line like that?! Needless to say, he was back 10 minutes later to apologize and this time I was ready for him… or so I thought.
He said: I’m really sorry. That was a douchebag thing to say.
I said: I’ve heard worse… when I was naked.
WHAT?!?!? Did I just insult myself with my comeback line? I think so! Anyway, he thanked me for being cool about it.
Then last night I was out at a bar and pulled a doozy of a comeback line out of the air. It was a cheese meets sleaze situation. A young, hot-in-a-Jersey-Shore kinda way, guy wearing a very tight black t-shirt with a silver pattern on it that would give someone on mushrooms a very bad trip, thought he would hit on me by using this line:
Cheese: Your body is so beautiful. It’s like a blank canvas and I just want to paint all over it.
I know, horrible. Yet, Miss Quick-on-her-Feet, came up with this gem of a comeback line-
Sleaze: Who are you, the Jackson Pollock of sex?
When he asked, “Who?” I realized that having to explain Jackson Pollock’s art in regards to my spot-on comeback line, was actually really gross and obscene, and therefore, I just excused myself from the entire conversation.
Ladies, I think upon re-reading this I have figured out why I’m still single. I need to shut my mouth! But back to the immediate problem at hand. How am I going to reverse my aging vajooge? Why oh why did Friend With Benefits have to get all serious on me? That would have been such a perfect arrangement! By now, my vajooge would be 13 instead of 61! (I’ve decreased from 84 to 61 because I plan to get 7 1/2 hours of sleep tonight).
There has to be a way for a single attractive woman to have sex on a regular basis with an attractive man without paying for it. I just haven’t figured out what it is.
Maybe I have to start a “free sex with attractive people” MeetUp group. Hmmm perhaps I’m onto something…