It sounds funny but this is a serious matter! Do y’all know what Ocean Breath is? It’s another name for Ujjayi Breath, a breath technique employed in a variety of Hindu and Taoist Yoga practices. It’s also known as Hissing Breath or Victorious Breath.

Do you know what it’s NOT known as? Orgasm Breath or Arousal Breath!

There is a girl in my yoga class whom I’ll call Black Socks, because despite the teacher repeatedly suggesting she not wear socks during yoga, she still insists on wearing her black socks. Guess what? I have no problem with the socks! Her breathing on the other hand… I have a MAJOR problem with!

Black Socks is a thin attractive girl, although a little dirty looking. The first time she set up her mat next to me I didn’t think twice. In yoga my only concern is what’s happening on my mat (unless Rocker Yogi is teaching in which case my mind is on how close is he to me?)

However, the second time she placed her mat near mine my attention was diverted off of my mat. The chick was breathing like she was in a scene from a XXX film! It was beyond distracting! And what was even more strange was the fact that she has no flexibility whatsoever (not said with judgement simply an observation that pertains to my next sentence) so what was all the moaning about? When some people are really flexible, once in a while they push themselves a little too hard and may let some breath out of the mouth, but not like this!  Black Socks barely bends her knee for Warrior 1 or 2, yet she’s standing there making high pitch sighs and groans that make everyone within 3 mats of her VERY uncomfortable.

This past week, we had a sub who kept repeating, “breath through your nose not through your mouth,” every time she made her noises. He was turning beet red.. not because he was mad, but because as a gay man, he’d most likely never heard a woman make those noises.

Bottom line- she is majorly distracting and NOT in a good way. It’s actually pretty gross and for me to say that, you know it has to be bad.

I don’t know, perhaps this is a case for Dr. House. I’ve heard of a condition which causes women to have spontaneous orgasms, but in her case it never gets THAT far… thank the Lord!

So what do I do? Do I talk to my regular instructor and ask him to give a little speech on the difference between Ujjayi Breath and Orgasm Breath? Because seriously, no matter where I go in the room she always manages to find a spot near me and I can’t take it!!!!!

She also breaches sauna etiquette by playing her iPhone music through the speakers instead of through headphones. I don’t want to hear her bad music and I don’t want to hear her pornographic breathing!

I must plot the excommunication of Black Socks!

©2011