Another Installment of Things That Make Them Go “Eeew!”

Yes, it’s time for me to “over-share” again, because based on the response to yesterday’s blog, you clearly enjoy when I do. I hope I don’t go too far on this one, but this may be one of those things that make you go “Eeew!” Let’s find out…

So I was submerged in my bubble bath tonight reading The Carrie Diaries, Candace Bushnell’s latest book, when an odd thought occurred to me.  It wasn’t something in the book that spurred it, it was a floating herb. You see I am still sore from my birthday yoga class (that’s what happens when you just take yoga on your birthday), so I poured 2 cups of Epsom Salts into the tub along with, my bubble bath. And as I was scrubbing myself down with some natural soap a friend made me with pieces of flowers and herbs and stuff in it, I noticed that while the soap melted away, the pieces of flowers and herbs and stuff, were floating around in the tub. Now I don’t know if this happens to you… well actually, yes I do, because my vajooge (pronounced vah-juh-ge, ah heck I think you have to be french to say vagina in a pretty way) is normal, as I imagine yours is too. So you know when you get out of a bath and you’re toweling off, and you’re dry so you get dressed and like 5 minutes later a flood of bath water comes whooshing out of your vajooge and soaks whatever bottoms you’ve put on?  Well, I started thinking about that. And then I started thinking that salt and flowers and herbs and stuff were probably in my vajooge. That of course led me to wonder about infection… and here’s where my thought tangent began.

I was reminded of being seduced by a 27-year-old, who in his sexy Estonian accent, told me he wanted to put a peach in my… he didn’t say vajooge, he said the word for cat that starts with a P, and eat it out of me. I was with my ex at the time so I couldn’t take him up on his offer, but I found myself wondering, did he mean a whole peach? Pit and all? Or did he mean sliced peaches from a can? And if so, would the syrupy juices from the can cause an infection?

Before you start handing out “sharing violations” I’m seriously curious. Because I’ve never been a big fan of “receiving,” and while every guy tells me it’s because “no one’s ever done it right,” I beg to differ. It’s because I’m a control freak, who can’t relax because I’m concerned with what the flavor is goin’ on down there. Now if there was a sliced canned peach down there, it would probably taste pretty good, and I’d be able to relax and enjoy. But I don’t want to wind up in the emergency room like those guys with the gerbils in their butts, telling a doctor that the cause of my disgusting vajooge infection was that I let a guy shove a peach up there and eat it.

So if there are any doctors or nurses who can advise me, or regular gals who’ve had weird stuff stuck in their vajooge for their man’s tasting pleasure, please let me know the benefits vs the risks, because I’m tired of missing out!

© 2010

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