News Flash Guys, the First Woman to Judge Your Penis Was Your Momma!

Okay, I’ve written the title, and my mind instantly goes to… what picture am I going to use for this? A cartoon penis? Who wants to look at that? Overall, penises are pretty ugly. I don’t want to say that I’ve seen a lot in person, because that would make me sound like a slut, so let’s just say I’ve seen a lot of Playgirl magazines. It is a very strange organ. And even stranger is how different they all are, like noses. Some are out of proportion big, some are crooked, some have hair growing out of them (still talking about noses)… okay back to penises. First Love’s was perfect and I’m not being biased. As far as twig and berries go, he could have been a twig model.. if there was such a thing, and the berries were in the background where they belong, and well groomed. Who likes hairy berries? No one!  Shady on the other hand was ALL berries, like two ripe avocados hanging from a tiny twig.. at least that’s what I remember, I only saw it once or twice in seven years.

Anyway, back to the title, because you’re probably wondering what the heck brought this up. So Sister got a puppy, he’s two months old and… NO! This has nothing to do with us judging his puppy parts. Gross! What I was going to write is that we brought him over to Cool Mom’s house so he could play with her two enormous dogs (sidebar, if you’ve been keeping up with my posts you know that one of her “big” dogs shouldn’t be so “big”. I’m happy to report that she’s put her on a diet, and she’s getting svelte) well, pretty much any dog is enormous next to Sister’s 4.5lb pup. Cool Mom’s kids were running around the back yard as well, Spiderman (who’s 3 1/2) and the Spy (just trust me on these names, I know what I’m talking about) who’ now walking so fast he’s hard to keep up with, were doing their own thing. Spiderman was fishing in his swimming pool and the Spy was playing in the giant sports net set up on the astroturf. These kids got it good!

The big dogs started getting tired of the puppy and had to be put inside, so the puppy instantly ran to the Spy, after all he was the only one of us who didn’t look like a giant. The Spy was giggling and having fun. At first the puppy was licking his face, but then, as puppies do at that age, the teething kicked in. Cool Mom saw it coming and grabbed the Spy away just before teeth could snip at flesh (she’s so quick and motherly telepathic) but in mid lift, the puppy jumped up and bit at… his privates (I whispered those last two words). Now puppy teeth are sharp, but they can’t penetrate diapers so no harm was done, but that didn’t stop Sister from saying, “No biting the family jewels,” to which Cool Mom responded, “Yeah, he needs all the help he can get… he’s no Spiderman.”

There was a pause so sister and I could connect the dots, and then we all burst into hysterics, causing Cool Mom to admit that Spiderman was hung like the Hulk and the Spy, well…  Do penises have growth spurts or do they just keep growing proportionately to their original package until they’ve reached their maximum size?

Clearly this never came up in our house, as Sister and I both have D cups and (as Teri Hatcher said on Seinfeld) they are real and they are fabulous! Anyway, boy babies scare me. I always thought that if I were to have kids I’d want boys… but I forgot they come with a package. And I don’t want to be worrying that one day some perverted chick is going to be writing about his avocados or lack of.. cause that would be a very very twisted chick! Something tells me, Cool Mom will not be printing this one out to show to the Spy when he grows up. Don’t worry Cool Mom, I promise to make it up to him in future blogs….


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