“Okay dive on in!” that’s what Sommelier said to the 5 of us girls as we jumped on the bed. It’s not what you think… There were desserts on the bed; Pina Colada pie, Banana Slug Surprise (is that a nut or a coffee bean? Because it’s in my mouth and if it’s a coffee bean, you girls are in for a long night- see the “what chocolate does to me” post… coffee is 10X worse!) Coconut.. something, and last and least Green Spirogyra, that’s algae and strawberry mush.

You’ve got to love Pilot. She was so thoughtful. Knowing that I couldn’t eat gluten or sugar, she brought us home treats from a raw food restaurant. When you get a group of highly elevated women together such as ourselves, you find there are many dietary restrictions; some can’t eat gluten, some no sugar, some no dairy, some must be raw, Pilot has something with.. I forget.. winter vegetables? some vegetarian, some vegan (don’t ask me the difference but there is one), some no wheat, some only pasta Bolognese, some will only consume food if a glass of wine is present, and on and on…

So again, Pilot was being very kind bringing us these magnificent desserts to be eaten on the bed, in the lair (Cowgirl’s bed, not Pilot’s). And it started out well, because I went for the coconut..something. It’s hard to go wrong with coconut. You can however go wrong with algae. Ironically, my favorites were others’ least favorites and vice versa. It wasn’t until 3 minutes into the bingeing that we all started the commentary on the desserts… what’s that thing on the banana surprise that looks like a slug… someone’s got to eat it. Were we hallucinating, because I don’t recall a slug in the take-out box when it was first opened. In fact we were all getting super giddy, and don’t blame Sommelier because I don’t drink, so it wasn’t the wine. I don’t even know who suggested that we were being drugged or if I’d just imagined the sinister laugh come out of Pilot’s mouth… but she’d been pissed since lunch, and she had every right to be…

Come with me, if you will, to a large dining table overlooking the Ocean at the Ritz Carlton. Beautiful women dressed to impress, sit in their chairs with little colored paper coded cards in front of them. GF (gluten free… I had that one, it was orange) DF (dairy free,) RAW (speaks for itself), VG (not vagina, vaginas are made of meat, this is for the vegans or the vegetarians,  I can’t tell them apart). Yes, we’re high maintenance. The gal next to me had a GF & a DF. I imagine Pilot had every color coded card there was in front of her. What I couldn’t imagine was what she had goin’ on at her end of the table. All I know is when my Caesar salad came out in typical “lettuce stalk” fashion with parmesan cheese and capers, I just cut up my lettuce (pain in the ass, why don’t they cut the dang lettuce!?) added a little olive oil and was set. That is until the gal next to me was served her plate, at which first sight, I almost choked to death. If laughing with lettuce in your mouth could make lettuce come out of your nose, that would have happened to me. My poor beautiful comrade was literally served a barren plate, but for the pre-mentioned uncut lettuce… hold on, I’m having a flash back and need a laugh break. It was frickin’ hilarious! It was like someone literally took the romaine out of the bag and placed it on a plate. I thought it was a joke… guess who didn’t think it was a joke.. MmmHmm.. Pilot. She’d been served the same plate, and she was not laughing.

I don’t know if you get irritable when you’re hungry, but I do. I don’t know how she reacted, because I wasn’t there, but the recap went somethin’ like this.

Pilot: (to waiter) What’s this?

Waiter: (Spanish accent) Salad, no dairy

Pilot: No, this is not a salad, this is a plate of rabbit food. Do I look like a rabbit- don’t answer that! I am paying 5 star hotel prices to stay in this 5 star hotel. Does this look like a 5 star salad to you?

The waiter took away the plate of rabbit food and returned with a beautiful salad filled with strawberries and lots of good stuff that made the table very jealous. When asked if that was her main course, Pilot was told, “No, it’s your starter salad.”

Unfortunately, based on Pilot’s dietary needs, the starter salad was a starter for her main course… another salad. I didn’t ask what came on that plate.

Let’s all have a drink and toast to Pilot.. Git ‘Er Dun Girl!

©2011