I never knew this was a saying amongst guys, but apparently it is. It was like a slap in the face the first time I heard it 4 years ago. I got to thinking about it tonight because I had kind of a bad day. I woke up to the horrible news of the earthquake in Japan, and the tsunami warnings in CA, which had me glued to the TV for 3 hours (and not eating breakfast) then I went out to eat, but the restaurant wasn’t really gluten-free friendly so I had a protein-less lunch. By the time I got home I was unrelentlessly tired and slept for two hours but not before feeling so mopey, that for the first time in months I gave into temptation and ate a chocolate coconut cup that my gluten free baking cousin sent me and I never touched… until today. I tried to savour how delicious it was because I wasn’t supposed to be eating it, so since I was I should enjoy it, but I was overridden with guilt. It should have made my heart race and kept me up for 2 days. Instead, I got a headache and fell asleep. When I awoke I still felt tired and crappy. FWB wanted me to come over but I couldn’t motivate. I decided to watch The Blindside instead. Which got me thinking of being blindsided. Which is how I kind of feel with FWB. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend… not to say that I have one, but I wasn’t looking for someone who got my jokes, and did thoughtful things for me, and distracted me from doing my work and confused me about where I live and why and I certainly wasn’t looking to miss someone whom I haven’t seen in 24 hours. And NO I’m not ready to meet his two little girls even though he really wants me to and promises to introduce me as his friend.
I feel blind sided. It got me thinking about the single Superfriends, and how they each have their own fears about letting men in. I’m totally afraid to let FWB in. There are already 3 things I know about him that are fine for now but I would want to change if I were in a relationship with him. And that’s not fair. You can’t change things about a person when you “bought them that way”.
I spent 7 years trying to change someone because I wasn’t in love with who he was, I was in love with who I thought he could be… but you know what? I have no idea who someone can be. I only know who they are. And FWB has some habits that knowing myself I could NOT accept. Normally I would reach for a tarot deck to guide me. Picking a card to help me make a decision. But after my biggest life’s mistake, I can’t do that again. That mistake being Shady. So here’s the real reason I stayed with him for 7 years:
When First Love and I broke up, I didn’t date anyone for 2 years. Finally, after moving across the country where I only knew two people from home, I decided, NOW I would finally focus on my career and have a boy-toy. That mentality stuck for 10 years. I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t over First Love, so I couldn’t date anyone. So I threw myself into my work, and once every year or two I’d find myself a boy-toy for a little while.
Then one night, Sister and I met her best friend from childhood, out for dinner because she was in town. With her, came her roommate from college (who I could not stand), her roommate’s friends (who talked about money and diamonds all night, so clearly she was NOT up my alley), and a 40ish woman who looked like a wild gypsy, with long curly black hair, a lot of make up and an Italian accent. I barely said a word during the meal. Sister could barely get a word in, and then finally Diamond Mouth, informs us that her gypsy friend is a palm reader, who acquired her gift the night her grandmother passed (her grandmother had been a famous palm reader in Italy). To make a long story short, I’ll just say that when she read the palms of my sister’s friend and her roommate, I was not impressed. I could have said the same things after 5 minutes at a table with them. She nailed my sister, but I rolled my eyes when she got to me, because all she was talking about was love and what was in these girls’ futures regarding love. I didn’t want to hear about love. I was focused on my career… which is why it was a bit of a jolt when she looked at my palm and exclaimed, “I see all you do is work!”
Now I had no callouses on my hand so it wasn’t like my hands were giving anything away. I hadn’t talked so she didn’t know anything about my work pursuits. Then she said something really disturbing, “You can work all you want, love will still find you. You’ll be engaged twice in the next two years. The first love, will be a brotherly love and you’ll wonder if you should break up with him because you care so much about him. You should. Because the second love, you will marry, and you already know him.”
Well! I hadn’t had a boyfriend in over a decade and suddenly I was going to be engaged twice in two years? Fat chance! Again, to keep a long story short.. it kind of happened just like that. I met a great guy who was more like a brother to me, and while there was no ring on my finger he did ask if I would marry him. And then Shady came along, and I already knew him. It was like something out of a romantic comedy. He left a message on my work phone and the last digit of his phone number cut out on his cell phone and of course the number was “9”… so I dialed the number using 1, 2, 3, 4, and on and on until he finally answered on 9. I asked him how he found me and he said, “This new website called Google.” The fact that I was on there was an anomaly of it’s own, considering somehow my name and number at the office was listed for an RSVP that should have gone to someone else, SO CLEARLY the stars were lining up to bring us together!
It was that stupid palm reading that kept me trying to make a relationship work that was so clearly wrong to everyone including me (on a mostly unconscious level). But when 6 years into the sexless relationship with a guy with “potential” whom I was engaged to even though I knew I couldn’t marry him, I heard a guy say, “For every hot girl, there’s a guy who’s tired of sleeping with her,” something broke in me. I felt so sick and sad and angry that this guy whom I thought I loved despite wanting him to be someone he could never be, could not be attracted to me… so angry that there were guys out there who wold want me if they had a chance and he was just letting me go to waste! And even then, I didn’t end it. Even then I held on to the belief that this palm reader knew my destiny and somehow I had to turn Shady into that happily ever after.
Well that didn’t work out. The break-up was a GREAT story, which I’ll share at another time. The bottom line is, I feel vulnerable right now. I didn’t get involved with FWB to be anything more than that. I know it can’t be more than that because it just can’t… and yet, I’m going to sleep feeling unsettled, and blindsided.