For Every Hot Girl, There’s a Guy Who’s Tired of Sleeping With Her

I never knew this was a saying amongst guys, but apparently it is. It was like a slap in the face the first time I heard it 4 years ago. I got to thinking about it tonight because I had kind of a bad day. I woke up to the horrible news of the earthquake in Japan, and the tsunami warnings in CA, which had me glued to the TV for 3 hours (and not eating breakfast) then I went out to eat, but the restaurant wasn’t really gluten-free friendly so I had a protein-less lunch. By the time I got home I was unrelentlessly tired and slept for two hours but not before feeling so mopey, that for the first time in months I gave into temptation and ate a chocolate coconut cup that my gluten free baking cousin sent me and I never touched… until today. I tried to savour how delicious it was because I wasn’t supposed to be eating it, so since I was I should enjoy it, but I was overridden with guilt. It should have made my heart race and kept me up for 2 days. Instead, I got a headache and fell asleep. When I awoke I still felt tired and crappy. FWB wanted me to come over but I couldn’t motivate. I decided to watch The Blindside instead. Which got me thinking of being blindsided. Which is how I kind of feel with FWB. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend… not to say that I have one, but I wasn’t looking for someone who got my jokes, and did thoughtful things for me, and distracted me from doing my work and confused me about where I live and why and I certainly wasn’t looking to miss someone whom I haven’t seen in 24 hours. And NO I’m not ready to meet his two little girls even though he really wants me to and promises to introduce me as his friend.

I feel blind sided. It got me thinking about the single Superfriends, and how they each have their own fears about letting men in.  I’m totally afraid to let FWB in. There are already 3 things I know about him that are fine for now but I would want to change if I were in a relationship with him. And that’s not fair. You can’t change things about a person when you “bought them that way”.

I spent 7 years trying to change someone because I wasn’t in love with who he was, I was in love with who I thought he could be… but you know what? I have no idea who someone can be. I only know who they are. And FWB has some habits that knowing myself I could NOT accept. Normally I would reach for a tarot deck to guide me. Picking a card to help me make a decision. But after my biggest life’s mistake, I can’t do that again. That mistake being Shady. So here’s the real reason I stayed with him for 7 years:

When First Love and I broke up, I didn’t date anyone for 2 years. Finally, after moving across the country where I only knew two people from home, I decided, NOW I would finally focus on my career and have a boy-toy. That mentality stuck for 10 years. I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t over First Love, so I couldn’t date anyone. So I threw myself into my work, and once every year or two I’d find myself a boy-toy for a little while.

Then one night, Sister and I met her best friend from childhood, out for dinner because she was in town. With her, came her roommate from college (who I could not stand), her roommate’s friends (who talked about money and diamonds all night, so clearly she was NOT up my alley), and a 40ish woman who looked like a wild gypsy, with long curly black hair, a lot of make up and an Italian accent. I barely said a word during the meal. Sister could barely get a word in, and then finally Diamond Mouth, informs us that her gypsy friend is a palm reader, who acquired her gift the night her grandmother passed (her grandmother had been a famous palm reader in Italy). To make a long story short, I’ll just say that when she read the palms of my sister’s friend and her roommate, I was not impressed. I could have said the same things after 5 minutes at a table with them. She nailed my sister, but I rolled my eyes when she got to me, because all she was talking about was love and what was in these girls’ futures regarding love. I didn’t want to hear about love. I was focused on my career… which is why it was a bit of a jolt when she looked at my palm and exclaimed, “I see all you do is work!”

Now I had no callouses on my hand so it wasn’t like my hands were giving anything away. I hadn’t talked so she didn’t know anything about my work pursuits. Then she said something really disturbing, “You can work all you want, love will still find you. You’ll be engaged twice in the next two years. The first love, will be a brotherly love and you’ll wonder if you should break up with him because you care so much about him. You should. Because the second love, you will marry, and you already know him.”

Well! I hadn’t had a boyfriend in over a decade and suddenly I was going to be engaged twice in two years? Fat chance! Again, to keep a long story short.. it kind of happened just like that. I met a great guy who was more like a brother to me, and while there was no ring on my finger he did ask if I would marry him. And then Shady came along, and I already knew him. It was like something out of a romantic comedy. He left a message on my work phone and the last digit of his phone number cut out on his cell phone and of course the number was “9”… so I dialed the number using 1, 2, 3, 4, and on and on until he finally answered on 9. I asked him how he found me and he said, “This new website called Google.” The fact that I was on there was an anomaly of it’s own, considering somehow my name and number at the office was listed for an RSVP that should have gone to someone else, SO CLEARLY the stars were lining up to bring us together!

It was that stupid palm reading that kept me trying to make a relationship work that was so clearly wrong to everyone including me (on a mostly unconscious level). But when 6 years into the sexless relationship with a guy with “potential” whom I was engaged to even though I knew I couldn’t marry him, I heard a guy say, “For every hot girl, there’s a guy who’s tired of sleeping with her,” something broke in me. I felt so sick and sad and angry that this guy whom I thought I loved despite wanting him to be someone he could never be, could not be attracted to me… so angry that there were guys out there who wold want me if they had a chance and he was just letting me go to waste! And even then, I didn’t end it. Even then I held on to the belief that this palm reader knew my destiny and somehow I had to turn Shady into that happily ever after.

Well that didn’t work out. The break-up was a GREAT story, which I’ll share at another time. The bottom line is, I feel vulnerable right now. I didn’t get involved with FWB to be anything more than that. I know it can’t be more than that because it just can’t… and yet, I’m going to sleep feeling unsettled, and blindsided.

©2011

 

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4 Responses to For Every Hot Girl, There’s a Guy Who’s Tired of Sleeping With Her

  1. Maribel says:

    I must admit…I pass through most of my emails in my inbox because there are too many to read…but I can’t help myself when yours come around. I am getting hooked on your “juicy” romantic comedy blog because I just never know what you are going to say next…my response to this one…just go with the flow!

  2. Sommelier (Cheers...) says:

    RCG,
    Some say uncertainty adds excitement to life. For people who may or may not be control freaks, or merely cautious and a bit guarded, that might not be the case. In general I think being blindsided is kind of a bad thing but in this case it seems sweet enough. You deserve someone who adores you and I admire your bravery for even entering FWB land. I had a sneaking suspicion it might get complicated and a little messy. More words or wisdom from “the hot guy” — he says “It always gets messy in one way or another” which is another one of the many ways he likes to gently remind me he doesn’t “mess with the nice ones”. I have to say that I respect him for that. He is kind. Kindness goes a long way with me. Because even though it isn’t what I wanted to hear, he is right and the fact that he is right is an added piss off because it makes him even hotter. I have resigned myself to the realization that he is in my life to teach me a lesson and be my friend and I can roll with that. But I digress…

    The happenings of the weekend have me considering switching teams (although I’m really not into women in that way and Hot Guy says if I switch teams we cannot hang out anymore because lesbians hate him. I do love how he makes me laugh). I have a bruised ego, tear stained pillow and confusion that has me shaking my head in disbelief.

    Back to being blindsided and also to reference the title of your post “For every hot girl there is a guy tired of having sex with her”… for every hot girl out there, there might actually be a guy who won’t have sex with her (or a few). I haven’t dated or experienced intimacy for over 9 months. I could have had a baby in the time it’s taken me to “recover” mentally and emotionally from my last relationship. And trust me, I’ve done some hard work, energy healing, meditating and more to reground and move forward (still working on it). Anyway, as of late the “electrician” has been throwing some sparks my way. He’s sexy- bald- handsome in a way I’ve tried to ignore but somehow cannot. He’s also a great dancer and we have a lot of fun when our group of friends go out to play. I’ve refused to look into his eyes because they are smokey and I might get lost in them. I know he is not “the one” and probably not even a great idea but I’m not entirely sure because of those damn sparks. This has been going on every time we see each other since early last summer. I’ve held my ground. Yes… I’m getting to “Blindsided”. So, after an evening of our usual fun, dancing, laughing, being friends I begin to wonder about the possibilities…could he be a FWB? Do I dare consider it? ( I do miss the human touch). Mind you, I am just thinking this — still cannot fully look him in the eye so signs point to “I could never follow through”. THEN, standing in the club at the end of the night — he walks up to me and out of the blue says “We are not going to happen.” This is right after he had a conversation with “Big Brother” a guy pal of mine who is overly protective. So, I look at him and I’m BLINDSIDED (not it a good way) . WTF? Seriously? I didn’t say we were going to “happen”. So, I ask “What are you talking about?” Because honestly I want to know where he got the idea I was even thinking what I was thinking (trust me I wasn’t giving off signals and even my gal pals were wondering if I have a pulse). So, we leave and “talk” about it since he’s giving me a ride home. And I have to say I am a little more than confused by the intense sparks and then the sudden “for every hot girl there’s a guy who doesn’t even want to sleep with her” maneuver. Being me I ask what prompted his comment, what “Big Brother” said? ( he swears nothing but I’m pretty sure there a veiled death threat issued to ensure I don’t get hurt in any way shape or form)… and why he felt it necessary to even go there when we are really just getting to know each other and I’m definitely not jumping into bed with anyone? An interesting conversations ensues. He’s scared. He likes me. He’s recovering from a relationship. He doesn’t want any complications. There’s mutual attraction but there isn’t going to be any action. I get it. I really do. I tell him exactly where I am in this journey. I am in the same boat. And at the same time I’m feeling totally confused because I was denied before I even knew if I wanted to make a move and it doesn’t help my ego one bit. I would have really liked to have him make a move just so I could say “no” (there’s the ego again). But I’m also grateful because even though I was blindsided I am learning so much more about me and about men who actually have morals and character and aren’t willing to push something that isn’t right. Men who (despite what society has programmed us to believe) have heart, pain and experience many of the emotions we deal with. Men who aren’t necessarily right for me but they are willing to bypass their own sexual feelings and needs to make sure they don’t hurt me and/or get hurt themselves. Perhaps I am more transparent than I would like to be. I cry myself to sleep. A deep cleansing cry and I wonder “what’s next?”.

  3. Guy who's hot and chicks are bored of me says:

    I’m sorry to hear about this all, I find the quote pretty offensive on face value, but at the same time, to me, it’s a very metaphysical concept deep down. Wait! here it is: We are all the the hot girl and the bored guy at different times, in a realm where what we lust after and are jealous of, is really just a construction in our own head of we expect relationships to really be.

    Let’s construct this differently. For every beautiful, interesting girl, there’s a relationship that she’s been in that went sour. OR For every hot, nice guy, there’s girl he’s treated wrong or been utterly jealous of. It really gets at, to me, the fact that when we see other people, without know them, you see just there hotness, some hollywood version of them, but really they’ve had some harsh things in their past, they’ve been sad, or had a rough times. Really it’s like “hey I’m jealous of that girl, or really want her, but wait…I’ve felt like this before with a girl I hadn’t met yet in a past relationship, but that eventually went bad…why don’t I just cherish that relationship?? Because that’s what I would be really jealous of (or maybe admire more), if she actually cherished her past relationships, although the truth is she’s probably had some bad relationships too (which are guys tired of sleeping with her).”

    It can get pretty general for me and pertain to everything. Like missing out an an occasion that sounded like everyone had a good time. Ok wait, but I’ve had good times before…and will again, I don’t have to lust after something, I don’t know the actual reality of. (also times where people think everyone enjoyed themselves, but really it was a hellish experience…Prom nightmares, college frat parties, anyone?)

    Really it then boils down to this: don’t so much pressure on finding Mr. right because there’s so much more to every person that you interact than just some perceived hotness thats all in our head, about lust, ideals, “a good time in bed”, that have really only been constructed by those around us, in movies or through our childhood.

    Likewise, I’m sure you’ve also been that hot chick, that many guys are lusting after, not realizing you’ve had a rough relationship, and they’re just all jeally when they see you.

    So the quote back to its initial instance, is supposed to mean, said in a rather rude way, don’t put someone on a pedestal or be jealous, there’s probably a lot you don’t know about them. Although I’m sure there are many dick dudes out there who are just mean about it, because they’re trying to make up for something they’re sad about with themselves..who knows…

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