First I said, there will be nothing physical with this guy. Then I wavered and decided Friends With Benefits, that will work. Now if you read the glossary, there’s very little in the “benefits plan” other then sex with me, which rocks, and my friendship, which also pretty much rocks. But nooooo that was not enough for him, and so the negotiations began. Here is a list of things that was not in his original benefits package that he has managed to expand…
1. PDA. Yes, it’s one thing to go out and socialize with a friend. It’s another thing to let a friend hold my hand, put his arm around me, even kiss me in front of his friends. Now if one of the Superfriends held my hand or put their arm around me, that would just be normal chick stuff, but kissing me? Friends don’t do that. And FriendsWB don’t do that in public. That has apparently been revised, but not in front of…
2. I met his kids. But you knew that. What you didn’t know is that I went to the family birthday party for his 6-year-old this past weekend. AND I spent 8 hours on an arts and crafts mobile project for her because she said she wanted dried flowers for her birthday. I went a little crazy and dried the flowers in a book all week, then put them into colored oaktag frames, then printed out 6 themes of cartoon pictures to glue on the frames representing the 6 things she likes; lizards, frogs, butterflies, kittens, ladybugs, and bees (well she may not like bees but these bees were cute and they go well with flowers). Then I made bows to glue on all the frames between the bees and the lizards, pink of course, because that’s her favorite color. Then it became apparent that this project was too elaborate to string from a hanger, so I went out and collected big sticks which I covered with aqua netted ribbon, and the mobile turned out to be 3 feet high. But the top stick was kind of just holding everything up, so I cut out the letters of her name, glued on some more creatures and insects, secured them to the top stick, and viola… BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! I went shopping with him in the mall to help him pick out a special present for her, and realized I had to get a gift for the 4-year-old, so she wouldn’t feel left out, and found a baby polar bear stuffed animal that turns into a pillow, and because the weekend before we played baby and momma polar bear at the pool, I had to get it for her, which meant I had to get the 6-year-old one too, because I couldn’t give her an art project when her sister was getting a pillow pet! And then the 4-year-old loved her polar bear pillow so much she put it against my chest, curled up against me, and went to sleep for an hour, of which I did not move. Little kids are like dogs, you fall in love with them instantly. Falling in love with his girls NOT IN THE BENEFIT PLAN! Also, meeting his mom, step-mom, dad, nieces and nephews, and seeing his sister-in-law (who was also my camp friend and married his brother)… not in the benefit plan!
3. Naked barbecuing at his place… in the benefit plan. Having him shop specifically for gluten free products and my favorite foods, and having me sit and enjoy my tv shows while he cooks for me AFTER 3 hours of “benefits” – NOT in the benefit plan… appreciated, but not in the plan.
4. Inviting me over and upon my arrival NOT giving me “benefits” because, I quote, “I like you and I don’t want you to think this is just about sex.” And then proceeding to cuddle with me and fall asleep. NOT IN THE BENEFIT PLAN!!!!!
I could list a few more expansions he’s negotiated, but I have a more pressing matter to discuss. “The Sleepover” ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, N O T I N T H E B EN E F I T P L A N !!!!! I have stood strong on this.. but tonight he whipped out the big guns, he chipped away at my armor, he told me the one thing he knew I’d find irresistible.. he wakes up with a hard-on every morning!
Cue “Killing Me Softly” DJ Super Pilot
I mean, I don’t think I’ve felt that wonderful feeling of a hard man waking up next to me since First Love and that was a loooooooog time ago. Luckily, I was in the car when he told me that, or the benefit plan would have gone straight out the window and we would have entered into boyfriend/girlfriend zone.. Yikes! Then to add insult to injury, when I got home, I received a text that read: I smell like a puppy when I wake up in the morning.
I LOVE puppy smell. Dang FWB… he’s learning my weaknesses and using them against me! He’s destroying the very definition I created for him! Did I mention I spent an hour watching Scooby Doo with his kids? That’s for you, Cowgirl. Can I get a “Ruh Roh?!”
Bad bad this very bad!!!! I’m going on the road for two weeks in April and I think I may already miss him. I CANNOT MISS A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS! I T ‘ S N O T I N T H E B E N E F I T P L A N!!!!