I know it sounds like it’s a set up for a joke with a punch line… and of course when a romantic comedy girl does do a lap dance it is a set up for a joke… unfortunately the joke is usually on her. But you decide for yourself…
First, let me explain why the lap dance. It’s kind of a “bad girl” thing to do, not really something that would make it to the big screen in a rom com, but FWB moved into his new house and I wanted to do something special to christen the occasion. And after the “Beatles incident” (see Friend With Benefits Meets Psychic entry March 26) he kept teasing that he really wanted one, sooo….
I had to pick out something to wear, and decide if I was going to strip or just ‘come out’ in it. I ended up digging out something, that I didn’t know I had, nor do I remember wearing and it’s quite possible that it could be from college… and that I haven’t worn it since. Or maybe I bought it and never wore it. It’s a black corset with spaghetti straps, beaded in the front and it has garter straps. I however, had nothing to attach to the garter straps, but figured he wouldn’t care, I packed a black lace g-string and my four inch spiked heels as well. Yes, packed, I realized I couldn’t wear it underneath clothes and strip because 1. I’d most likely fall in my heels which would be totally un-sexy 2. It was too ornate to wear under clothing and would be totally obvious… and 3. The soundtrack gave me an idea…
Yes, I created a sound track. It’s called a lap DANCE, so I needed music. I literally spent an hour and 45 minutes choosing the songs, the song order, the costume change (yes, there’s a costume change… wait for it), and visualizing my dance moves in my head.
I think that’s when it became a “romantic comedy scene.” Ever try to do choreography in your head and then when you get on the dance floor you realize… Wow! I’m so NOT Britney Spears? It was sort of like that…
We have different taste in music, so I chose a classic rock band that I new he would like for my “prep” song. By prep I mean I had to get changed and I wanted to build anticipation. Turns out I technically didn’t need the prep song because he had to take a shower so I got changed while he was in the shower.
Obstacle 1: Whoever set up the AV in the house did a crappy job. The CD player would not work if the TV was turned off. I was not about to do a lap dance with Charlie Waffles in the background! Not only that, but there was no ‘back’ button on his remote, so in order for me to not allow the second song to come on (that was my prep time for him) I had to hold down the remote rewind button until the song was at the beginning.
Obstacle 2: Chairless. I know spell check says that’s not a word, but to do a lap dance you need a good chair, once that’s narrow (since I’m small) and one that’s high enough for one to dance around. Unfortunately, all he had in his bedroom was a bench. I figured, I can make this work. As he showered, I pulled out my Bret Michaels glitter scarves and tied one to each side of the bench. My thought was that I was going to have to bound his hands because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to keep them off of me and I wouldn’t be able to finish my dance. Turns out…
Obstacle 3: he slipped today and pulled his groin, so the scarves were actually helping him sit up, and not slide off of the bench.
Out he came from the shower, sexy body wrapped in a towel and I pulled him to the bench to tie his hands as song number two came on.. Metallica.
Obstacle 4: It was then that I realized the scarves were way too long for my purpose, but I didn’t let it stop me.. I looked at him with a sexy stare and started criss-crossing the scarves in fancy patterns before tying them in a knot. FWB said, “I see you’ve done this before.” I haven’t… so I took that as a ‘good-save’ with the awkwardly long scarves.
Metallica started getting heavier and I was remembering my choreography from my “mental rehearsal” and this was about the time I was supposed to be standing over him whipping my hair around when…
Obstacle 5: I realized the bench was way too low for dancing around, because I was towering over him in my 4 inch heels and every time I did a ‘sexy squat’ my knees cracked, which reminded me why professional lap dancers are in their twenties. But by now the song was coming to and end and I had to figure something out because song three was starting..
Ah the familiar screech of the first few notes of Britney’s Toxic. I could feel my channeling of Beyonce beginning to simmer from within. Girlfriends, I had just taken yoga and I was ready to do some never before seen stretches in my high heels.
Obstacle 6: There’s a reason why lap dancers don’t dance on plush carpeting. I’ll give you one guess why that is. If you guessed “because your heels get stuck in the carpet and you can take an embarrassing spill,” you guessed right! The good thing about doing a lap dance for a guy who’s turned on is you can pretend the “fall” was part of your routine and start gyrating on the floor and the up and down pelvic motion, can literally hypnotize him into forgetting he ever saw you fall. Who knew getting certified in hypnosis would actually come in handy during a lap dance.
Just when I was thinking, “these heels are going to be my downfall and I am the most un-sexy creature on this earth and am making a giant fool out of myself not only in front of him, but in front of his cat” (which was worse because I swear the cat was staring at me in disgust)song number four came on.. Carrie Underwood’s Cowboy Casanova… Thank God!!!
Costume change! I left him tied to the bench and ran into his closet, took off all of the black including those pesky heels, and put on white boy shorts, a blue checkered pattern button down, which I didn’t button, I just tied, and a cowboy hat. NO SHOES! Now I could do some lap dancing!
Obstacle 7: Every time I tried to ‘dance on his lap’ he winced in pain from his bad groin. Clearly this wasn’t going to lead to sex or even a good story for his best buddy…
But it did lead to a good story for you because.. that was what I thought was THE worst lap dance in the history of lap dances… that is until he asked me “the question”
Once I realized that the poor guy was in pain, I untied him, turned off the music and let him lie in bed and watch Two and a Half Men. He didn’t talk for a half hour… he didn’t even laugh during Two and a Half Men, so I knew was thinking about something. I figured he was thinking about how badly he felt, me having gone through all of this trouble to stuff props, two costume changes, and a personalized CD into a small enough bag to not raise suspicion, and then him being in too much pain to really enjoy my efforts. But that’s not what he was thinking at all… I know because finally he came out and asked me the burning question on his mind.. “Be honest with me… were you ever a stripper?” And he had a bit of concern in his voice, as if I were going to give him crabs or something.
Which means one of two things… either I did a MUCH better job than I thought I was doing OR he’s never seen a real stripper and has no idea what a good lap dance is. I assured him I was NEVER a stripper, which put his mind at ease, but am considering it as a secondary income stream… as long as I do it in an old age home, where the men are too deaf to hear my knees crack!