Yay! I’ve never been on a diet before. Don’t hate me because I’m skinny.. the grass is always greener. At 11 I was traumatized when a guy that I’d had a crush on all summer (who just happened to be IC’s older brother… is that twisted? Why? I didn’t know I’d be sleeping with him 25 years later!) came up behind me and put his arms around me. It was 1.2 seconds of pure bliss, until he abruptly pulled away, crying out, “UGh, I feel like I’m putting my arms around myself!” That’s the moment I took up sports determined to put weight on even if it was muscle… Anyway I tangentalize…

I’m taking it slow, starting out with Dating Guru’s blog entry Summer Lovin’ she gives five suggestions, and I’m going to do one, each day for five days (which means number five will be a doozy… sorry you’ve got to read her blog if you want to know why.

Today was number 1. Unplug.

So easy, right? Just unplug. Put down my laptop… or better yet, leave it home and stop introducing it to every guy who tries to start a conversation with me at a coffee shop, as “Mac, my husband.” I think it’s kinda cute, but you’d think after I got the 9th “Ethan Hawke grimace from Reality Bites” that I would have stopped saying it. I didn’t. So today I left the hubby… I mean my laptop at home. No earbuds! Walking around talking on my iPhone.. AKA my son Mac Jr. (Wow, I really do have a problem… no wonder I can’t get a date, I’m just weird!) is anti-social. No one wants to interrupt me when I’m having a conversation with Cowgirl about what she’s ordering at Starbucks and what airport I’m currently lost in.  Dating Guru makes a good point that we are constantly looking down at our technology, and while I’m busy texting Sister about how gross it is that her dog ate another dog’s poo, some hottie can be walking right by me.

So today I took the first step and unplugged. It was HARD!  I’m like a junkie. Went to yoga turned my phone to airplane mode and walked into the gym… first time by the way that I turned it off before making it across the gym to the yoga room. It’s a long walk and I do it deliberately.. so guys won’t talk to me. Um, duh! Thank you Dating Guru for pointing out such a simple thing.. of course, it’s me, so it took a strange turn. Ten seconds after checking in, one of the hot young trainers made his move. Now, before you give me kudos, when I say young, I’m talking I think he’s a college student and this is his part-time job. So not dating material. But I’m practicing, so I went with it.

He asked if he could train me.. like right then and there.. no sign up, no regard for my yoga bag.. his shift was over and he wanted to work out with me. “Um.. I’m going to yoga, but thanks.” The young ones are always persistent.

“I can go to yoga with you,” he offered, “I can do a dog…”

“A downdog or an upward dog?”

“Any dog,” he said, “Give me something tough.” Yup, cockiness overflowing… if only I could warn him that my girlfriends secretly call me the pussifyer, because I turn cocky young boys into pussys. Anyhow, I went along with it…

“Can you do the crow?” I challenged him, knowing with shoulders and biceps that big, it was doubtful that he’d be able to balance on his triceps without falling forward from top heaviness. He didn’t know what it was and asked me to show him. I hadn’t even warmed up yet, but somehow I knew I’d be able to pull it off in the isle between the Cybex and the Hammerstrength equipment. I dropped my yoga bag and assumed the position (see today’s picture) I balanced for as long as I thought I should without totally showing off, and then picked up my bag and continued to walk toward my class.

He didn’t let up. “How about you show me some hip openers.” Dating Guru, does that qualify as ‘a line’? I’m thinking it does, and I sure as heck was not going to drop my bag again and do a Happy Baby for him.

He followed me into class, put a mat down next to me, and tried to do crow. As expected his giant upper body kept tumbling forward. I think he was a bit embarrassed, because he said he was going to change into his workout clothes, and he never returned.

The worst part about it was the second yoga ended I reached into my bag to turn my iPhone back on. Jonzin’!!! I mean who’s calling me at 9 at night? No one! What email can’t wait to be read until I get home? None! Is another text about Sister’s poop eating dog SO important that I couldn’t stay unplugged? Nope!

As punishment, I refused to make or take calls the whole drive home. Instead, I opened my car window, blasted Hillbilly Bone, and nodded to every guy who pulled up alongside me… probably would have been more effective had I not been singing along with Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins at the top of my lungs, ’cause my singing.. not so good.

What’s on the Dating Guru’s Menu for tomorrow as my diet continues? 2. Smile. Well! Anyone who knows me knows THAT should be easy.

Can anyone say, “famous last words?”

©2011