It’s day 3 of my Dating Guru Diet. Today’s assignment: Get Out! This is very appropriate for someone like me, who has been known to spend days without leaving the house except to walk the dog.
I have to admit. This was not the ideal day for this challenge and I promise to double my efforts tomorrow. I was up really late last night and then woke up early. The lack of sleep made me feel lethargic until noon when I fell asleep again until 4pm. So basically I “got out” twice today… to walk my dog. Location is everything. Being out with the dog, I only got to see the gardeners, the guy at the gate (who already tried to caress my hands when I brought him a plate of food during our neighborhood pool party), and a couple of guys in cars.
Because that was uneventful, and wouldn’t make a good blog post, I had to do something drastic… so I did. Sister is out on a date with a guy she met on ‘Plenty of Fish’ so I figured it was a good time to hijack her account and go fishing for some good headlines, since Sommelier had a bunch of funny ones in the comment section a few days ago.
All of a sudden something called Userplane AV Webmaster popped up and a guy called TheIdealPrince was chatting me up… At first I was going to get on his case for being 27 and trying to talk to my sister, but instead, I decided to be honest and the conversation went like this:
TheIdealPrince: heyy (that’s how he spelled it)
Me: I’m not her, I’m her sister doing research. Sorry.
TheIdealPrince: Oh, I’m sorry.
Me: No problem. How’s this site?
TheIdealPrince: I am always on call so it’s always on in the background. I don’t utilize it much. The girls are smart, diverse in background, not something you find in bars and clubs. (I’m sure at this point he was hoping I’d ask if he was a doctor, but I decided to assume that he was the assistant to some abusive producer who keeps him ‘on call’ since he lives in Burbank… and for someone who doesn’t utilize it much he sure knew a lot about the girls.)
Me: I’m in the South East so I’m a little scared of the “fish pond” in these parts.
TheIdealPrince: lots of crocodiles
Me: and manatees- gentle and harmless, but a little slow upstairs.
TheIdealPrince: Really? Never seen one.
Me: they look like a cross between a walrus and a whale, but I was using it as a metaphor (which I’d assumed he was doing with the crocodile comment, but apparently my whole “Plenty of Fish/fishing in the fish pond” went right over his head and he was truly concerned with my safety because of the swamp crocs. He then proceeded to Google manatees and try to get into a discussion about them, I had to change that subject quickly so…)
Me: My sister is out on a date with a guy she met on this site, so I figured it was a good time to hijack her account.
TheIdealPrince: How old are you if you don’t mind me asking
Me: I’m too old for you, but are you having any luck meeting people online? I have to put a profile up in 3 days according to my Dating Guru.
TheIdealPrince: I haven’t put in crazy effort. It’s so picture driven. There is no personality factor.
Me: You should try the site where you have to fill out 15 pages on yourself and you don’t get to see a picture until you’ve had 5 conversations.
TheIdealPrince: 15 pages? Can I just upload my personal statement from college?
Me: I should send in my Psychology Thesis on how people drive according to their personality. Then they’d get some good insight to my personality!
TheIdealPrince: LOL! It’s become quite difficult to meet people now.
Me: Tell me about it. I’ve been dating “Mac” he’s my laptop. Unfortunately he doesn’t cook. (There I go again, telling a guy that I’m dating my laptop. I am so corny, I really shouldn’t online date. But then again, I’ve thrown out the ‘dating my laptop’, my ‘weird psych thesis paper’ (which wasn’t an actual thesis, more like a final exam for a psych class), AND that I have a ‘dating guru’, and this guy’s still chatting with me)
TheIdealPrince: I’ll cook for you. (and now offering to cook for me)
Me: What’s your specialty dish?
TheIdealPrince: I cook any pasta.
Me: Gluten free pasta?
TheIdealPrince: Sure I follow recipes precisely
Me: Well you’re a smart guy, who can cook pasta, and is a good conversationalist. You seem like a good catch, so stop wasting your time with me and get back to ‘fishing’ good luck!
TheIdealPrince: But people don’t converse like you on here, so I guess I’ll just throw in the towel. (uh oh, RCG senses a fixer-upper, but can’t help herself!)
Me: I don’t think so. You don’t strike me as a quitter.
TheIdealPrince: haha damn your psych kicking in! (and he’s fixed. Phew!)
Me: That’s how I roll. It’s 1am here, so I’m signing off. Have a good weekend.
And I quickly shut down the page. I am dreading day 5 with a capital D! I’m truly terrified! I know I know… successful people feel the fear and act in spite of it, and if I want to be successful in love, I have to take action. Rats! Why can’t I just get a heel caught in a pothole and have a doctor save me from oncoming traffic and then we fall in love? Or can’t some guy holding up a 7eleven become my fairy godfather and send me to an alternate universe where I’m living the life I would have had if First Love and I never broke up? Or maybe I can blog on Ten Ways To Lose A Guy, and instead wind up with the guy I was trying to lose. There has to be a more random way to fall in love than online dating. And don’t think I’m not running my profile by y’all before I put it up! I expect feedback… We’re all in this together now!
“I am always on call so it’s always on in the background” – Hmmmm….definitely not a doctor, but let’s explore the possibilities. Here’s my top ten list of what “always on call” really means.
He is a…..
10. Cab driver
9. Security guard
8. Entry level tech support
7. Call center operator
6. Not really employed (13 year old hiding from mommy)
5. Pizza delivery guy
4. Day laborer
3. Guy who has to clean up after crime scenes
2. Drug dealer
1. Phone sex operator
And….”I can cook any pasta” means, “I can open a jar of Ragu completely unassisted.
The real secret to online dating is to read between the lines.
I once knew someone who told women that he had a Jaguar. He did. It was 30 years old, purchased on eBay, and was sitting in 30 pieces in his driveway. It has never been driven on an actual street.
For some reason, this one didn’t show up…
“I am always on call so it’s always on in the background” is definitely not a doctor. Here is my top 10 list of possibilities.
He is a….
10. Cab driver
9. Entry level tech support guy
6. Pizza delivery guy
5. Teenager (waiting for mom to tell him to get off the computer)
4. Day laborer
3. Guy who cleans up crime scenes
2. Drug dealer
1. Phone sex operator
The woman you knew with the guy with the Jaguar.. was that me and Shady? Or was that before you knew us… Now I have to write a post about the Jaguar! Thanks for the ‘remind’
And that list is hysterical. Without making him a stereotype- well actually I can because this is a blog and characters have to be stereotyped- I’d say that from his picture he most likely falls into categories: 10, 9, or 6 with a BIG emphasis on 9.. in fact I could have been talking to him for 45 minutes today when I called about a security problem with my Belkin Router.
Actually, the guy with the Jaguar was a childhood friend of my husband. He ended up buying a bar in South Carolina…..on eBay. Yes, you read that right.
Great advice to read between the lines: “I moved home to care for my mother after my dad passed away and own a tech company” translates to — I am over 40, living in mom’s basement and I like to play on the computer…
On a positive note — after my rant the other day I’ve been “matched” with some interesting people who are 1) Attractive 2) Employed 3) Have decent profiles with no spelling errors and a hint of wit. I got brave and clicked “I’m interested” and we’ll see what happens. I still feel weird making the first move and sending the first message. But they are all pretty far away so imagine that’s sort of safe. What does Dating Guru say about that (making the first move on dating sites that is)?
I am so proud of you for being open to online dating and being active on the site. It is more than fine to be the aggressor in initiating new relationships. In fact, I have a very good friend who met her current long-term boyfriend (they are talking marriage) on Match.com and she “winked” at him first. Life is short. Don’t leave it up to fate or chance to determine the quality of your love life. They say in life, we regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did and with great risk, comes great reward. So go ahead and pursue those you find attractive.
Location is everything so leave the house and go where the men are. A good place to meet men is at sports bars. Especially right now as it’s the NBA Playoffs and many men are invested in seeing which teams make it to the finals. Find out which night a game is on. Dress cute and go “watch” the game alone. Stand by the bar. Maybe nurse a drink. As a “lone woman” a man will come to your rescue, start chatting with you and maybe even buy you dinner (that’s happened to me although the man and I never became an item). The point of all these exercises is not that you are necessarily going to find your Prince Charming immediately, but you are fostering good habits creating the opportunities to attract or run into the love of your life “randomly.” Keep up the good work. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your progress.
– Dating Guru