Thinking Of A Reason To Call First Love So Instead I’ll Write My Online Profile…

I’ve really gotta stop listening to Lips of An Angel… I mean right now… I need to press stop in iTunes…

Forget it, I’m not going to hit stop because his raspy voice just fills my body with the overwhelming ache of camaraderie, he feels my pain I just know it. According to Wikipedia (yes, I need a major distraction here because I’m 2 seconds away from emailing FL, so I’m researching power ballads on Wiki!) “The song concludes just as it began, with the singer questioning to why she is calling so late, though the second (and last) time it is less literal and more figurative, with the underlying meaning “so late” not at night, but way too late in life; unable to continue the previous relationship. The song ends with the plot unresolved. According to a radio interview done in Atlanta, Georgia the lyrics are loosely based on an actual phone call incident that did happen.”

See? An actual phone call incident. Hinder does feel my pain! It’s 1:39am… can you imagine if I called him right now?! I’d be in deep sh*t… he’d probably have to pay $5/month to AT&T to block my number like I had to do when I broke up with Shady and he wouldn’t stop calling me. Of course I wouldn’t call him this late.. I wouldn’t call him at all. It’s just that an associate of mine needed help turning a radio interview into an eBook, and I bang those things out like Geckos in Florida (for those of you who haven’t been to Florida, on an average walk, you see a lizard or gecko every 3.2 seconds) so I bang ’em out pretty fast.

Of course when I volunteered to help, I didn’t know the book was going to be about soulmates. ARGH! Between her interview and Dating Guru’s First Love comment the other day, I can’t get him off my brain. Hold on the song stopped I have to hit play again…

Sing it to me Hinder… anyway, the soulmate question has me all jammed up! Do you only get one true love? If they are your soulmate are you destined to find each other again? And if so, are all the rest of these guys in between just a waste of my time? WILL ANYONE EVER MEASURE UP TO HIM?!?!?! Have I romanticized him or are these feelings truly deeply rooted in my heart?

FACT: My heart actually hurts when I think about him

FACT: I can’t be with him

FACT: I have had no F’in idea how to move on for the past 19 years and have had crap relationships or long bouts of no relationships up until now because of it.  SUB-FACT: I have learned nothing new about how to move on from him so why the heck am I going to bother putting myself out there yet again?

FACT: I said I was going to put my online profile up for your feedback and I’m obsessed with accountability so I must… but first…

FACT: The song just ended and I have to hit play again.

Uh… love his voice!!! Okay so let’s start with my headline…

I’m guessing “Not over my first love but willing to settle for second best” is not an ideal headline? But I thought I’m supposed to be honest in my profile. Actually, that may be a good “weeder-outer.” Since, all men are destined to be second best, I may as well find out who can live with that. Let’s go with it.

USER NAME: CrushedHeart “Not over my first love but willing to settle for second best”

INTENT: CrushedHeart is actively seeking a relationship

RELATIONSHIP HISTORY: The longest relationship CrushedHeart has been in was over 7 years long.  (should I add “with a pathological liar?)

SEEKING A: Man DO YOU DRINK: No MARITAL STATUS: Single (why? are there married people looking for dates on this site? What the heck am I getting myself into?) PROFESSION: Bounty Hunter (I want a guy with a sense of humor!) EDUCATION: What’s the difference, I’m a woman so I’m always right. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN: Yes, yours… I mean the ones you come with. In other words, I don’t want to have any, but I want some, so if you don’t have kids do not contact me (I should probably bold that or write it 12 times so they get it) DO YOU DO DRUGS: no (Do I need drugs? Probably) DO YOU HAVE A CAR: yeee….. (that’s a weird question. On the one hand, why does it matter? I also have a Yoga Mat and a fabulous mattress, and laptop computer… on the other hand, I wouldn’t date a guy who didn’t have a car…) Yes.

ABOUT ME: (here we go girls, hold on to your Prada bags and your Gucci glasses ’cause we’re about to go on a ride!) I was told to be honest on my profile, so here goes… I am being forced to be on here. It is not my choice, and I’ll tell you why. I’ve tried this once before for 3 days, and the thousands of men who responded to me, did not respect me enough to read my profile, and therefore, I wound up sorting through a mass of men who did not match the criteria that I painstakingly took the time to write. If you write that you want a women who wants to have children, I don’t care if you look like People Magazine’s Sexiest Man on the Planet, I would respect you enough to not write to you. So give me the same respect, as I get down off of my soapbox to tell you what I AM looking for:

I am looking for a guy who is between the ages of 40 and 50. Not 62, certainly not 28. I don’t care if your birthday was yesterday and you turned 51… I’m not interested.  I love television, that doesn’t mean you have to, it just means, that you have to be okay with me watching what I want when I want. I love seeing movies at a theater, which means if you don’t like leaving the house, don’t write to me! I want a man who makes in the high six figures- minimum! Not because I need or care about the money, it’s because I want the kind of man who has the mindset and the drive to create that kind of wealth. Because with that mindset and wealth, even if he lost everything, he knows he can pick himself up and do it again. And a man with that kind of mindset, lives the big picture. I do not want a guy who can dream up a big picture- been there done that! Again, I want a guy who’s living his big picture. Here are some personality traits I’m looking for and you must have ALL of them if you write to me: confident, honest, funny (in your defense I know you can’t be sure if I will find you funny, though a good test is if you like: Anchorman, The Hangover, Office Space, Modern Family, Joel Mchale, and people tend to laugh when you’re attempting to be funny), romantic, thoughtful, playful, affectionate, faithful, communicative, creative, uplifting (in other words, enjoyable to be around, you’re entitled to have off days, we all do, but Donnie Downers need not apply) smart, kind, generous, a family man (it would be great to meet a guy who has a good relationship with the mother of his children), philanthropic, likes to cook or willing to hire someone who will, neat/clean or willing to hire someone to live in who will clean up after you. Must love dogs and be willing to take medicine if you’re allergic to them, like I do. That’s enough for one profile.

Here are some bonuses but not deal breakers: you’re semi-adventurous (because I am not, but would like to be brought out of my shell… in this case, patience would be a necessary trait) which means I want to go camping, but in a camper.. at least the first few times until I get used to it. I want to try hot-air ballooning, not traveling to the Middle East. You have a mobile business, like me, so we can travel together and not have to ask for vacation days. You like, or are willing to suffer through romantic comedies. You like sports (and while liking the Boston Red Sox or the Philadelphia Eagles, is a potential problem, as long as you are not nasty about it, we can make it work, but no matter how hard in love with you I fall, I won’t wear one of their t-shirts). If you play the guitar that would be awesome… even more awesome? If you can sing!

Appearance. If this were a casting call, I’m looking for a typical leading man, so if you are a “character” type, do not write to me. Yes, looks matter, because I have to be attracted to you, and no, you will not grow on me. I am physically fit, so I want a guy who cares about his body. You don’t have to have “back abs” like The Situation (by the way if you have to Google The Situation because you don’t know who he is, that’s a big bonus, I’m only sorry that I do), but you must care enough about your body to want me to think you’re freakin’ sexy and be distracted from work because I’m thinking about having my way with you. Which leads to.. (and I know this is risky to write because it may be an invitation to guys who do not fit my criteria, but resist.. resist!) I want a guy who likes to fool around. I know people work hard and they get tired, but you know what I’ve discovered? When I’m with a guy whom I’m attracted to and I’m tired, and he starts getting frisky, I wake up quickly. Where there’s a will there’s a way, and the will must be there.

I suppose I should get to the “About Me” part now, since that’s what this section is titled. I have worked in entertainment for 20 years, I love it. I’m a speaker, a published author, and yes, you may have seen me in something and it was probably the Dog Whisperer. For as demanding as I appear, I am that demanding on myself to make the man I’m with happy. I love my family and they are a major priority in my life. I have designed my career so I can have the freedom to be with them. I love Virgin Airlines, anything with an i before it (iPhone, iMac, iPod, iPad), big dogs, the beach, being on the water (in a boat), going to football and hockey games, seeing good live music, (btw, I like country music, 80’s hairbands, James Taylor, and 70s classic rock) yoga, chick lit books, anything outdoors that’s scenic but not cold, Hawaii, anything with dual climate control; cars, electric blankets, mattresses. I love to karaoke, but I don’t have a great voice, so I only sing male rockstar songs, so there are no expectations of me being good. I like to obey most laws, including ‘no  jaywalking’. I like to walk by bakeries and burst into tears, it freaks people out, but I can’t eat sugar or chocolate, so if I have to suffer, they can feel sorry for me. I’m a writer so anything you say becomes public domain, although I would never write anything that could harm your life, like reveal that you’re in AA or have a form of incurable VD.  I’m great with kids, animals, and programing DVRs. I’m handy, but willing to step aside for a guy who likes to build stuff and set up electronics. I love spas, but if you don’t I can go with my girlfriends.

And if you’ve actually read this far in my pontificating profile, I imagine that you’re reasonable enough to deduct that because I know what I want, and you’re still reading, (so you must be fitting the description) that ultimately we are both searching for the same thing, the perfect fit so we can both get off this time sucking site!

So what do you think ladies? Am I gonna catch a good one on Plenty Of Fish? Or sit in a big pond with a small rod for a long time with no bites?

“It’s really good to hear your voice, saying my name is sounds so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel, hearing those words it makes me weak…”


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2 Responses to Thinking Of A Reason To Call First Love So Instead I’ll Write My Online Profile…

  1. Dating Guru says:

    SMH Romantic Comedy Girl!! I’m hoping you wrote this blog for the entertainment value it will bring to your readers, but just in case not:

    I understand the pain it feels to break the emotional (and maybe even physical) attachment to your first love. However, this is not really about him anymore as he’s made certain decisions that has made him unavailable to you. Even if you don’t want to you must emotionally release him and move on so you can truly be open to attracting real love in your life.

    What I want you to ask yourself is what did this person represent in your life? Was it marriage? A certain lifestyle? Etc.? Realize that you can have these things with someone else (even though at this time that may not seem to be the case, you have to believe it is to attract it.) One of the things I greatly admire about men is their inherent belief that “there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” If as women, we were able to better adopt this ideology, we would not tolerate less than we deserved and you deserve more than an ex-boyfriend who is married living in another state. Believe that everything happens for a reason and as it was meant to. If you guys were supposed to be together, you would be, but that’s not the hand fate dealt you. There’s a saying that “rejection is God’s protection.” Keep this in mind next time you want to email Florida.

    As far as the online profile, I just have one question for you. If you were a six-figure salaried, handsome, adventurous, athletic and nurturing man, would a profile like this attract you? First of all, if you are running your multi-million dollar business, you wouldn’t even have time to read through that entire “about me” section, you’d make it through the first paragraph (if you ventured to read it at all seeing the profile length) and assume the woman was angry and bitter and be on to the next profile of a young looking, beautiful woman with a pretty smile (which I am sure you are).

    This profile is not going to protect you from all the “crazies” out there, no matter how specific you are. And the man of your dreams can not overcome the high barriers you’ve created. Are you truly ready you for real love in your life or do you want to continue just dreaming and writing about it? If you’re ready, let the barriers down, embrace the risk of being hurt and open your heart to attract true love.

  2. Meg Register says:

    Love your blogs, very humorous and poignant. I want to caution you on doing anything that feels like work. The internet dating can feel like work to some people and it sounds like you are one of them. If you were my client this is where I would ask you a few questions. Do you actually believe that soulmates really exist? Why or why not? Because we live in a lawful universe, it is done unto you as you believe. So save yourself the trouble of looking outside of yourself for a soulmate until we can get you clear on of beliefs that may be blocking you. You mentioned that you are not over your first love. There is no way to tell if you are romanticizing him or if he is one of your ones yet. But what I know for sure is that you need to practice non-attachment because desperation repels. You should energetically release him so he can feel the loss on a soul level and be attracted back to you if he is your right mate or move on. You can’t keep your soulmate from you and nothing you can do will keep you apart but you can block or delay their arrival. Either way, releasing the attachment to a person is the right thing to do. If you think that you need help doing this, I have a powerful process to release heartbreak after a breakup, divorce or romantically attached to someone who is not good for you or to someone who is not available. I’d be happy to share this with you. It works. This process has helped thousands of people be healed in a fraction of the time. It can be over in an instant and you can be soulmate ready in no time. I hoped that this helps. Love and support, Meg

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