I Am In Heat… And I’m Not Talking About Humidity!

Gals, today is my day. It’s the one day that is most dangerous to get somethin’ somethin’, and the one day you want it the most. I woke up in this state because I was having “that kinda dream” about the actor from Burn Notice. I don’t even watch the show, but now I want to! Yowza! He was fantastic, by the way, even if it was a dream.

I listened to Buck Cherry’s Crazy Bi*ch a few times and then went through a bunch of facebook pictures of the hot guy I used to have my way with when he was 21. He still looks great. Then I looked over some pictures of a few of the guys who would torment me by seducing me while I was with Shady, knowing damn well I wouldn’t cheat. One was so ballsy he actually said to Shady, right in front of me, “When are you two going to break up, so I can have my shot at this woman?” to which Shady replied he was going to have to wait until he was dead. To which my delicious suitor retorted, “Well then, it’s a good thing I’m so much younger than you because I’m sure to outlive you.” Then he winked at me and walked away. The other guy is Australian so we’re never in the same place. Then to stay on the picture fantasy theme, I replaced my iPhone photo (yes, I took my dogs off for the first time since I got the first iPhone) with the picture of Jake Owen… that’s him up in the left corner. He lives about an hour North of where I am now AND he has a twin brother.. God is good.

But the pictures were only make “the heat” worse. So I went to Yoga.  There is something very sexy about this particular Yoga instructor, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. He’s no Yogi Cupcake (see cast of characters) but, at least he has sex with women.. or he has at least once, because he brought his 4-year-old to class today. So cute!!!! (no ring on his finger though, so I think it’s safe to fantasize about him). You would think that would cool me down.. but it didn’t. He did a side crow from a starting position I’d never tried, and I could not figure it out. After class he helped me. Nothing better than having a yoga instructor put their hands on you.. and I say ‘their’ because I don’t care if the instructor is a he or a she, gay or straight, I just love being adjusted. I love when they press on you and hold it. Now today, I happened to be enjoying it on another level, and at first I didn’t get the pose because he didn’t want to be too forward (he just needs to get to know me better, he can put his hands wherever he wants). You can’t help but fantasize about Yoga instructors. You just know that they can limber you up and then have sex with you in positions you never thought possible.

On the other hand.. he’s Jewish. Now now, don’t get upset, but I’m going to stereotype here. I have dated many Jewish guys in my day, and not one of them has been sexually adventurous. I was once getting undressed and in one fell swoop, pulled my belt from it’s loops and cracked it scaring the hell out of the Jewish guy I was dating. We’d been together for 4 months at that point, and after the belt, he never called me again.. AND I DIDN’T EVEN USE IT ON HIM! Chicken! He was so boring…

I like Italian guys. They love sex. The older ones always take the lead and the younger ones have great instincts, and they are willing to try anything. Another great thing about Italian guys is there is a very good chance that their name is Tony. I’ve been with quite a few Tonys. My top two sex partners of all time were both named Tony (and yes, I looked up both their pictures today. One is very generous and has a ton online.. of course he’s an actor. The other is stingy with only one teeny tiny shot, not helpful for my purposes, and y’all know what I mean). And dating lots of Tonys is a good thing, because I never have to worry about screaming out the wrong name by accident. Maybe I’ll change my online dating profile header to read “Desperately Seeking Tony.”

The other bad thing about my “heat day” is I’m so completely distracted all day. I had a lot of work to do today, and it didn’t get done. I mean look at me, I’m blogging in the afternoon. How many hours until I can go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and this will be over? Maybe I’ll take a walk. “The heat” causes frustration which causes irritability, so when I drive, I blast my bad boys of Country, like Jake Owen, Blake Shelton, Jason Aldean, and Tim McGraw.. ooo that would be another good dating profile headline.. “Looking for a real bad boy who’s a real good man” (that’s Tim McGraw for all you non-country gals) and mess with the snooty soccer moms. They’re the ones who are always driving 20 miles over the speed limit with young kids in the back, yapping on their cell phones (which are not hands free) and balancing a diet coke on their steering wheel. Now normally, I just let these woman go by me and wish them a safe journey for the sake of their kids, BUT when I’m in heat… the brakes get hit. It happened on the way to gym and it happened on the way back. They ride up my ass in their Mercedes SUVs and I slam on the brakes. Then they start yelling at me.. and I turn up my volume and and proceed to drive sloooooooowly… boxing them in, so they can’t get around me, speeding up a little when I see there might be enough room for them to change lanes.. oh no, Princess.. you’re mine until you have to turn off this long road. I love watching their faces turn red as they curse me out while I’m singing Hillbilly Bone at the top of my lungs giving them a slanted smile in my rearview mirror. They think I’m yelling back at them, but I’m just singing, having a good ole time.  Yup… The heat brings out the mean and the hungry in me… Five hours until bed time… Lord have mercy!

©2011

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2 Responses to I Am In Heat… And I’m Not Talking About Humidity!

  1. AdventureBiz Babe says:

    OK, so why is it that I’m in Yosemite, and….I just have to get a wifi connection to read your blog. And…..there are gorgeous men EVERYWHERE. Buff, rugged types who look like they would throw you over their shoulder and take you back to their cave. Standing at the base of Yosemite Falls, and all I can think is – whoa…there’s a yummy one….RCG should be here.

  2. Well what are you waiting for ABB? Pimpette me out! And I love that you’re in beautiful Yosemite and have your laptop AND Wifi! Too funny!!

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