I WANT A TOUR BUS! I’m putting it out there y’all! Sister can stop holding her breath because I finally watched the season finale of Bethanny Ever After, and now I want a Romantic Comedy Girl Tour Bus. I want to take this show on the road. I’ve already got my slide show presentation and my speaking points planned out. I’m seeing the set design which of course includes my watered down cranberry juice with pure cranberry which tastes gross but has no sugar which will make Nutritionist happy because she knows it’s going to be a struggle for me to take care of myself in a bus. It will be in an alcoholic beverage glass, to make it look like I’m really drinking even though all of you know I don’t drink.. of course you’re all allowed to get drunk in the audience because then you’ll ask saucier questions.

There will be a yoga matt on the stage so a hot Yoga Instructor can demonstrate poses that will make us all better in bed, then of course I will try them and he will bend me around like a pretzel and one of you lucky girls will be brought up on stage to get bent around too (so maybe I’ll make that demo early on so no one throws up on stage… I don’t know how well yoga and alcohol mix).

Of course I’ll have a little boutique for you to shop in after the show, with branded vajazzling crystals, the romantic comedy girl beach set for girls cup size A-E (you’ll have to come to the show to see what that is), and my book!

Afterwards, you’ll all go out dancing at the club sporting your RMC tiaras while I go back to my bus and get a massage by my 26-year-old massage therapist/somethin’ somethin’ … if I’m paying him for the massage and then later get something AFTER the money trades hands, I can’t be arrested for boy prostitution can I? Well, if I can, then he has to have an equally hot twin brother to give me somethin’ somethin’ after my massage… or maybe before.. or maybe both.. and of course I would shower before my massage because it may be slightly incestual for him to massage my body with his brother’s perspiration all over me.

My tour bus will need two things to keep me alive 1. a large freezer filled with freezer meals from Wild for Wildtree (which is coming out with a gluten free line YAY!) and 2. a burner with a saucepan to cook my freezer meal in since that’s all it takes to prepare the deliciousness. Maybe while twin # 2 is massaging me, twin #1 can prepare my meal.. of course I won’t pay him to be my personal chef or I’ll have to find triplets… oooooo.. I think I’m on to something!

I’m very excited about my tour! The book will be done in no time… the branding is going to be fabulous because I was taking excellent notes while watching the Celebrity Apprentice this season. Now all I need are the sponsors…

Hmmm, you know what? I’m going to let you suggest the sponsors, because you have to like them. After all, one will probably be alcohol, so you’ll be drinking it, one will be a beauty product, so you’ll be wearing, it… and so on and so on. Write your ideas for sponsors in the comment box and before long, you and your best gal pals will be in a theater in your city waiting for my tour bus to roll up…

Cue the pink spotlight…

Yep that’s me in a bubble bath on stage. Every good entrance needs to make a splash!

©2011