Why A Romantic Comedy Girl Shouldn’t Read Cosmo

I don’t remember when I read the article. I’ve been reading Cosmo since Junior High. Sometime waaaaaaaaaay back when, someone wrote an article about how to make yourself feel sexy when you’re single. Considering I’ve been single for a good portion of my adult life (by choice, no need to feel sorry for me), this article had a great impact on me and I’ve been following some (if not all, who remembers?) of the advice that the article gave.

The moral of the article is that you don’t have to wait around for a man to do things to feel sexy. I liked that theory, so here are some of the things I’ve been doing since sometime between Junior High and my 20’s…

1. Wear sexy lingerie even if no one’s going to see it.

CHECK, have always been a big believer in that one. I like going out knowing that the guys who are undressing me with their eyes are probably right on the money with what they’re imagining they would find.

On the flip side, we all have those worn out panties (you know the ones I’m talking about gals, the ones you claim you save for your “time of the month” but they’re just so comfortable you wear them anytime). Did you ever notice that when you do find yourself in that rare occasion of making out with a cute guy at a party that could lead to something more, you always seem to be wearing the worn out panties? It’s like you unconsciously put them on to protect you from going too far.. if you know what I mean. Kind of like intentionally not getting waxed so you know no guy is going “down there” if you accidentally get a little too tipsy, because you will not be known as the Bushwoman to all his friends. No matter how tipsy you get, you never forget when you’ve got a forest that needs deforestation. Am I right? Which leads me to…

2. Smooth is for you.  This was all about shaving your legs. Another reason why I think this article was really old because it didn’t address the Brazilian wax which would fall under the same category.

The point is, smooth shaven legs are nice to touch and just because you don’t have a man doesn’t mean you need to have legs that look like a man’s. So I followed Cosmo’s advice and I shave my legs… most of the time. Sometimes I kind of like the stubble when it gets to that point that it almost feels like velvet.

3. Take yourself on a date. Self explanitory.

I’ve been following this one for a long time as well. I usually take myself to the movies. I’ve become a cheaper date since I cut out sugar and caffeine. No more goobers and root beer.

The next piece of Cosmo advice was what got me into trouble this morning…

4. Vacuum in something sexy. I can’t remember, but I’m assuming there was a picture of a model in a French Maid’s uniform because that’s what always comes to mind for me. I seem to recall there being some explanation about men finding women very sexy when they do housework.

Anyway, I’ve never owned a French Maid’s uniform, but I’ve always gotten a kick out of following this tiny piece of advice. There were very few times in my life when I lived alone, but when I did, instead of wearing something sexy when I vacuumed, I just vacuumed naked. I know… something embarrassing was destined to happen, right?

Yet, it never did. And then I grew up and got a housekeeper, so I didn’t vacuum anymore. Until today. You know when you’re a guest in someone’s house and you want to leave it in better condition than you found it? At least that’s what my mother taught me.

Today, I had the opportunity to vacuum! And I did… naked. And I felt sexy.

What I didn’t know, was that the gated community that I was vacuuming in, has a company that’s been hired to manicure the lawns. They work on Monday mornings apparently. And thanks to Cosmo rule #2, three gleeful gardeners discovered, that “my lawn” was perfectly manicured… and if I must spell that out for you it means 3 guys were staring in the sliding glass door at the back of the house where I was vacuuming buck naked with a newly Brazilian waxed vajooge! Thank goodness it was vagazzled or they’d actually be able to identify me.

I don’t even know what it was that made me look out the back door!  Just a weird feeling. And when I saw them, and they saw that I saw them, they scrambled and I dropped to the floor (thank goodness I was on a rug)! I must have stayed completely still on that floor for an hour just to be sure they moved on. Then I wiggled on my belly to another room where I knew I’d be out of sight and ran to my guest room to get dressed!

No more Cosmo for me! It is a very very dangerous magazine for an impressionable romantic comedy girl like me!


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2 Responses to Why A Romantic Comedy Girl Shouldn’t Read Cosmo

  1. John G says:

    That’s funny … I had the same thing (sort of) happen. When I was in the Marine Corps, I was renting an Apartment in New Orleans. Typical guy, I’d put off laundry until the LAST POSSIBLE day. So I woke up, showered, and went down to the dryer where ALL my underwear had been drying that night.

    As I was walking through the living room, with the huge windows crossed into the dining room with it’s french doors, I looked out and saw three frumpy women wandering around in my back yard. Turns out, the owner of the duplex was trying to get it sold, and no one had apparently bothered to tell me that these ladies would be there early in the morning on a Saturday.

    I don’t think they noticed, or if they did, they weren’t impressed enough to really say anything 8D. I imagine your Gardners rather enjoyed the ‘lawn’ 😉

    == John ==

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