Ughhhhhh! Freshman Year Friends!!!!

Posted on July 29, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

You know what sucks? Being in Freshman Year Friend mode for the third time in my life. It was bad enough in my actual freshman year. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “Freshman Year Friends” are those girl on your hall in your dorm whom you befriend your freshman year of college. 9 out of 10 times these girls are only in your life for the first maybe second semester of college. These are friendships of convenience. They are the first girls you meet. They are usually nothing like your friends from home whom you chose at age 7 and have nurtured through the years. Yes, these are the girls you settle for to have friends to go to the dining hall with and go to the parties with until you find your true college friends, who you are still friends with today, even if you all live in different states.

I had to relive this awful freshman year friends experience again, when I moved across the country not knowing anyone, except for a couple of guys from high school .  I met a few doozies my first year through work, and then my second year I met Miserable Mom, and she’s been keeping me laughing ever since. Once you meet that one, truly great girlfriend, the others are drawn to you. It’s like when you start dating a guy exclusively and all of a sudden great guys are hitting on you left and right. I met Hip Mom, Sexy Mom (and a couple of other moms… none of whom were already moms when I met them except Sexy Mom), and there were others who I had to leave behind when I chose to live this year as a gypsy, like Page and AdventureBizBabe, and of course Sister. While they’re only a phone call or email away, it’s not the same as driving over to one of their houses to play with the kids, or watch a movie, or go out for lunch.

So here I am for the third time in my life, Girlfriend less. Tonight I went to another Meetup Group at a dance club, and for the first hour walked around asking random women if they were there for the Meetup. None of them were, but were kind enough to ask me to hang with them. Finally after another 45 minutes, the group leader showed up with glowing stick bracelets so group members could be identified.

I gave 100%. I talked to strangers, I danced, I order my second signature drink. The bartender went all out on it and while Virgin, it looked like a party in the glass! It was so pretty.

But alas, the night was a bomb. I didn’t bond with one girl. They were nice enough, but total freshman year friends, and at this point in my life I’d rather go to a movie alone, than fake a friendship until a better one comes along.

On a good note, I’ve been talking to a really nice girl in yoga. She seems pretty busy with her 3 kids, but it’s nice to see her two or three times a week and talk about hair and yoga teachers. I also met a real southern belle today in the sauna. Yes, I broke sauna etiquette to talk to her, but it was called for. The mens’ sauna is just on the other side of the wall and as we both lay on the hot wood benches with our eyes closed, some guy with a voice as deep as Trace Adkins started cursing up a storm in there. I knocked on the wall to get him to simmer down, as he was making some rude remark about Californians. I yelled, “Hey! I’m a Californian, now shut up!”

He may or may not have, because that was enough to get a conversation going with the southern belle. The conversation was going great except that I was running out of water in my body to sweat out, and the threat of death by dehydration was becoming very real. So we agreed to be workout partners. We’ll meet next Wednesday because that was the day I knew I had scheduled in to be there, and we can take it from there.

So I suppose I’m making progress. At least I’ve stopped talking to my laptop. I still talk to my dog, but I did that when I had my friends around me. I tell you, this experience makes me appreciate my friends more than ever. I will see a lot of them in a few weeks. I better hug them A LOT!!!

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Raise Your Glass

Posted on July 26, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Tonight I left my house! Whoo hoo. I put on makeup and high heels. Oh yeah baby, I went out! Raise your glass to Pink and all the dancing women at the party tonight, because lo and behold, it worked! I met cool women. It was the magazine and women’s group launches I had mentioned a few days ago. It attracted a really good crowd. For some reason, female entrepreneurs are a very attractive group. No matter what state I’m in, when I network with female entrepreneurs, they’re always so pretty. Kind of a random observation, but it leads me to wonder… are the male entrepreneurs all hot? Because if so, maybe I should join a male entrepreneur group…

My goal was to go and meet girls who could be potential friends.  Easy enough. Just walk up to the gals there and start talking. But of course in typical romantic comedy girl form, the conversation with the first girl I sat next to who happens to work for one of the launching companies, didn’t go as I’d envisioned.

She was really sweet. I was asking her about the structure of the company, which was a bit unusual from business models I’ve heard of before. She didn’t have much insight as she just started working there.  When she asked what I do and I told her, she got really excited and asked me if I worked with celebrities. I told her I work with people of all levels. She repeated, “celebrities?” I nodded yes. Her eyes lit up, “Who?” I explained that my client list is confidential. A look of disappointment washed over her face, so she changed the subject… “Where did you go to college?” she asked.  I told her, and she said she’d heard of it. Then she asked the weirdest question of all… “What was your major?”

Huh? My major? I haven’t been asked that since I was in my early 20s… and then it hit me! I looked at her and asked, “Are you still in college?”

“Yes,” she said proudly and told me her school, “Which is why I’m interning for this company.”

Apparently my talent for attracting 20-something males crosses over to females as well. I wished her luck and excused myself to go find some age-appropriate female friends. And finally I started to meet some really cool women. I also discovered that while I’m not willing to date a guy who is locationally challenged (meaning I have to drive more than 20 minutes to see him), I am willing to travel to hang out with cool girls.

I also figured out that I’m getting closer to my tour bus, because not only did I order my signature “virgin” drink tonight, but some of the other women there thought it was so cool, they ordered it themselves. I’m starting a movement!

Okay, off to bed. All that “going out” stuff, wore me out. The Adventure Meetup group is planning a bowling night. Wow… that will really rock AdventureBiz Babe’s foundation when she hears I may bowl! What’s next billiards? I’m so adventurous I can’t take it!

Hey, when the highlight of my week is watching the bachelorette, I know I need to get out of the house… event if it’s to bowl. Something tells me the Adventure group won’t have the same nice mani/pedis that the Female Entrepreneur group has… no judgement! I’m making friends here…

©2011

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Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

Posted on July 23, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I was awoken this morning by the pounding of the rain on my roof.  I immediately jumped out of bed and pulled up the shade to my sliding glass door so I could meditate to the falling rain. It’s one thing to do it to a sound machine, it’s quite another to do it to the real thing.

As I sat, doing my open-eyed meditation, focusing on one specific trinette plant, (ironically nicknamed the umbrella plant) I noticed one leaf cluster that was bobbing rhythmically. It happened to be in the direct line of a constant drip rolling off of the roof. The poor leaf cluster was being ‘water tortured’ I felt so bad for it. I imagined if the leaf cluster were a cartoon with googly eyes, it would be rolling them, frustrated by the fact that it had no way of moving. It was stuck. No where to escape form the constant blow of raindrops. Forced to bob until the rain would eventually stop. And then what? It would dry up. Gee, that’s something to look forward to.

Suddenly, I was struck by how similar I was to that leaf cluster. Only instead of being stuck in a raindrop rut, I’m stuck in a dating rut. To me, this whole dating experience has felt like water torture, one ‘drip’ after another. The leaves couldn’t move, but I can. I’m not going to keep going through dry spells and water torture…. no! I’m making a bold move…

I’m giving up on men and focusing on women. Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into a college girl experiment. I’m simply going to take the energy I’ve been putting into meeting men, and put it into meeting girlfriends in my new environment. I’m here for a while, I should make friends.

So I took the first step. I joined some MeetUp groups. It was a tiny bit like going through sorority rush. I’d check out all the members of the group to see if the girls looked like me. If they did, I wanted to see how many active meetups they have. And finally I wanted to see how many people are attending the meetups.

The first theme I looked up was ‘female entrepreneurs’ and the group that grabbed my attention first was the one with the picture with the clip art of a cool looking business chick drinking a martini. Exactly the type of image I would use for this site. So I checked them out and joined.

Next, I looked up meditation groups. Those got a little weird.. not really what I was looking for. The people were a little scary, and I was afraid I was going to be dragged into a cult. Then I put fishing, boating, sports, etc., which all seemed to be predominantly male, or require lots of equipment I don’t have.

Now, book club brought up some pretty cool women. It’s a little farther than I want to drive right now, but I’ll keep the group in mind for once I make some girlfriends who will drive with me.

I joined an adventure group, because I want to tell AdventureBiz Babe, that I’m going on cool adventures.. although right now, it looks like the only adventure I’m willing to take with them is to one of the local dance clubs. I suppose once I get to know the group, they’ll be able to convince me to go on some of the more adventurous adventures.  I was going to go to their meetup last night at a ‘nightspot,’ when it occurred to me… how was I going to know who the 12 people were, once I got there? It’s not like meeting at a dock to go snorkeling, and you see the mass of people at the same spot waiting. This is a club, filled with strangers and they didn’t say, “Be sure to wear a purple carnation so we can identify you.”  Sure, the people in the group will be able to find each other, but how would I, a newbie, be able to identify one group of twelve strangers from another? Especially if six are on the dance floor?

So, I chickened out. BUT I did sign up for a cool event with the women entrepreneur group. It’s a company launch party, sponsored by a magazine, and while it too is at a club, at least I had to be put on a guest list. I figure when I arrive not only will there be signage for the magazine and the launching company, there will also be a friendly check in person directing me where I need to go.

My mission to meet women begins in three days!  I know I’m off to a good start because I’ll be greeted at the door with a sponsored “woman-tini,” which I’ll have to trade in for the virgin version. I know that any group that responds with a confirmation that reads, “Congratulations RCG! You are on the “A list”!” is a good fit for me.

So bye bye boys, hello girls!

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You And Tequila Make Me Crazy

Posted on July 18, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

It’s a Kenny Chesney song, and I can’t get it out of my head for three reasons: Let’s start with the tequila because that’s an easy one… Tequila makes me crazy because I have NO tolerance, and therefore, drinking it would literally make me crazy, like hallucinogenic crazy. I know this to be a fact because my freshman year of college, I got peer pressured into doing a shot by half the football team. They were yelling at me! And I hallucinated my foot being on fire, and wearing a fur-lined winter parker that not only did I not own, but the snow I was seeing was not falling because it was late spring. Not good times. But while I’m on the subject of college… another SHOUT OUT to Loverville, who mentioned me in her blog and tons of her cool peeps, came and checked me out today. So a Hi Y’all to Loverville’s readers as well! For you new readers, that is what is referred to as tangentalizing.. check out the glossary, for more fun terms you may want to brush up on.

The second reason is a line in the song, “It’s always your favorite sins, that do you in…”

The third being my favorite sin, the youngins’ and have I got one in my sights. I will not touch, but he is giving me ‘material!’ Okay, I don’t think I’ve told you about him before, but I may have mentioned him, though I think I was with FWB at the time so probably not.

He’s GOT to be in his twenties, though with the music he plays, he could be older, but I doubt it. He subbed for my yoga teacher a while back, and I was woozy over him then. I’ll refer to him as Rocker Yogi, because he has longish hair, wears a bandana around his head like a 90’s rocker (not an 80’s rocker where it covers the whole head and the long hair sticks out, but a 90’s rocker so it’s folded into a 3 inch band that covers his forehead and ties around the back, so his sexy deeply set eyes are almost covered by his long bangs).  When he subbed, I asked Rocker Yogi where and when he teaches. I was all chatty because I was gettin’ some from FWB, so I knew he’d be good eye candy, but there was no risk of getting cavities. I’ve been avoiding his class ever since, and finally I broke down and went, thinking, I could handle it.

I was so wrong! First, let me preface it by saying the average age of people who take yoga at the two gyms I go to is 47… and that may be a little young. But when I showed up to his class it was packed with blond, tanned, giggly girls barely in their twenties. I had to laugh. It certainly brought me back to reality. But reality didn’t last long. The first pose he had us go into was child’s pose (how apropos) and within seconds he was right behind me, pushing down on my back as I breathed slowly, trying to practice slow ouija breaths, but I could feel my heart beat quickening and my breath was sure to follow.. those hands!

He “attended” to me three more times during class hold my hips, pulling my shoulders, twisting my waist.. it was heavenly. I haven’t had a “touchy/pressy” yoga instructor in years… since the hot Australian who got fired for having sex with the members… and no, I wasn’t one of them… dang it!

When we went into corpse pose, and he kneeled behind me to press my shoulders to the floor, I thought his large hands were going to slip down my shirt… wishful thinking!

Good lord he’s so hot! And he plays Nirvana. Doing yoga to grunge and rock music HOT! And I’m not talking about the temperature in the room! And then as he says his gratitude monologue at the end of class, he thanks the wind for bringing in good waves. He surfs!

I want to ‘plank’ him!  I want to ‘flow’ all over him! I want to up and down his dog!

Whew! Glad I got that off my chest. Now that I’ve written it down, hopefully it will be out of my system, so I’m not tempted to put on my tiniest yoga gear and let out heavy sighs when he touches me next time. “It’s always your favorite sins, that do you in…”

Seriously, do guys not age well? Why am I never attracted to a guy my age in this way? I need some Patron!

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Adventure Biz Babe Rocks… So How Do I Tie Sex Into This?

Posted on July 15, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Adventure Biz Babe (ABB) is married, and yet she loves the blog. I told her that a lot of my married friends like the blog. Perhaps it’s so y’all can turn over in your bed and hug your hubby and say, “Thank the Lord I don’t have to go through that crap anymore!”

I’ve been working my butt off so nothing exciting is going on in my life, so I figured it was time for a chat with ABB to see what adventures she’s been on. Mammoth. Lucky Girl! I haven’t been to Mammoth in ages. She was hiking there, no doubt with a laptop in her backpack and a James Bond like contraption/phone that made her reachable to every person on the planet.

So after the adventure we talked a little ‘biz’ SEO to be exact, which made me need a drink, which unfortunately I don’t do, so it comes down to this: I don’t need to worry about SEO for this blog thanks to all of the pervs in the world. Here are some of the organic searches that stumbled upon Romantic Comedy Girl in the last week:

1. Sexy underwear but dad does the laundry? I feel your pain honey, and now that you’ve seen my blog entry you know you’re not alone. That is why the internet is good, so some girl who is probably 14 (because why else would she be living at home with her dad doing the laundry) knows, that somewhere there is a chick in her 40s who is living with her parents (part time… but still) and has to hide her sexy panties too.  NOTE to Adventure Biz Babe: I realize that just by acknowledging this prior blog, I will probably get double hits from all the creepy panty guys. Which leads to…

2. Where can I buy dirty panties? I know there are guys out there who are into this… but it really creeps me out that they are finding and reading my blog! So if this is you because you just googled something pervy about panties… GO AWAY!

3. Friend with benefits on a trip. Well, I get a lot of traffic from “Friend with Benefits” searches, and I only hope that my own saga, gives them some insight. Many a blog entry was written when I was on a trip, and my return was not a happy homecoming. As for the guy whose FWB is his sister’s best friend… you’ll be okay, but you know when your sister finds out there is going to be a fight made for a Bravo Reality show, that both girls may never recover from. But hey, clearly you don’t care about that, so… do what ya gotta do.

4. For every hot babe there is some guy who’s tired of her. And the MANY variations. My most drawing search. Apparently there is an epidemic of hot girls that men are tired of having sex with. If every state could just legalize gay marriage already, we could move on to other things… like legalizing polygamy. I don’t know, Bill Paxton made it look pretty good on Big Love!

5. Suffocation by boobs inversion table. I have NO idea what this person was searching for, but I know what post they were sent to, the one where I was holding shoulder stand and almost suffocated myself. Someone put that into a search engine. Fascinating!

6. Rain hat like gorton’s fisherman. Poor guy was looking for a rain hat and instead was sent to my blog entry talking about how FWB’s penis looked like the Gorton Fisherman.  And I imagine any man looking for that style rain hat has to be over 80, so the whole experience was probably extremely disturbing for him.

7. Having sex while eating. All I know is I was having sex and many states away Cowgirl was eating. Why this person is doing both at the same time or searching for information on the subject, is beyond me!

8. Sexy romantic strip lapdance music. This lucky person not only go my playlist for a lapdance, she also got my play by play of how I performed it… Rom Com Style, yo!

9. Soccermoms undressed. Okay this person was clearly looking for porn, and based on the two words, I’m not even sure what entry he was sent to.

10. Boobs hurt pms. Wow! This blog entry was from a long time ago. A time where my life was so incredibly boring, that you had to suffer through the play by play of my sore PMS boobs. Well, at least this chick now knows that, yes, boobs hurting are in fact a sign of PMS, however, they can also be a sign of pregnancy. Was that mean of me to write? Will some chick who types that in next time find this and be terrified that she may be pregnant? I’m keeping it in! Go get a test, chick!

11. Man wants to have female ass and hips. No clue, seriously no clue why this man was directed to me, but I pray he never returns!

12. Why would my dad have panties? That’s a good question. One that you probably don’t want the answer to. One that you definitely didn’t find the answer to when you were directed to my blog. Good luck with that… or better yet, just stop your search right now. You probably don’t want to know.

So Adventure Biz Babe,  I love you, I am so grateful to have you in my life, and somehow I managed to tie in sex stuff with your greatness. I hope the search engine bots enjoy this entry as much as the pervs who will find it will, as they revel in being acknowledged.

This was kind of a weird entry.  I really need to start dating again…

©2011

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Temptation… The Grass Is Always Greener

Posted on July 13, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

My calves hurt SOOOOO much and it feels great! I have been walking around Manhattan like a woman on a mission! Miles and miles… in flip flops, yes, there are blisters but I don’t care. I’m on the last day of my trip and I feel like a subway aficionado. It’s ironic that when I lived here I NEVER took the subway. This trip I’d be on it roundtrip twice a day, maneuvering from platform to platform because I’d enter on the uptown side instead of the downtown, going up and down stairs and escalators, until I finally got the hang of it.. and started using my iPone compass. A compass, I’ve discovered, is a life and time saving device for someone as directionally impaired as me! I didn’t care if I looked like the weirdo on the corner waving my compass in the air! It saved me blocks of walking in the wrong direction which is usually how I roll.

My hair smells like the city. It’s a mix of subway, vender stand smoke, and pollution, but I’m not ready to wash it yet. I want to simmer in the eau de franks and pretzels. There have been many new food additions to the street fair since I’ve been here; Greek, Mediterranean, and fresh fruit.

The best part of my trip was reconnecting with my friends. I’ve barely visited NY in the past 16 years, yet in the last two, I’ve been here about four times, and in doing so, reconnected with so many people from my past.

My NY friends tempt me, they make me consider moving back to this noisy, fast paced, concrete jungle. My girlfriend Loverville from college, and I hadn’t seen each other since graduation. It always amazes me, when I’ve been out of touch with an old friend for 15+ years, and you sit down to brunch and it’s as if no time has passed. Yes, you talk about what you’ve been up to for the past two decades, but the familiarity is amazing. She looks the same, her voice is the same, her mannerisms the same, so of course it feels beyond comfortable.

She took me on a tour of the West Village. When I lived in Manhattan, I lived on the upper West side and I rarely left my hood. When I did it was a cab trip back and forth to a specific destination.

On this particular trip, I saw four neighborhoods I’d never been to. Each one made me want to move there! Two other sorority sisters came into the city for a visit. We went to the W Hotel, and they laughed at my ‘signature drink’ though it didn’t surprise them at all. It was the first time my Dirty Virgin Martini was served to me in a shaker. Very impressive.

But it was my guy friends who really got me thinking. I had lunch with a couple, and they reminded me what I want in a guy. That internet dating threw me for a loop, I have to tell you. It really made me feel like all of the men out there are a bunch of freaks!

My guy friends in NY are so uplifting! They are passionate about what they do and their families. Listening to them talk inspires me, and when I talk, the ideas start going back and forth, they get caught up in the collaboration of creation. These are guys that make things happen, and enjoy the challenge and putting the puzzle pieces into place. I have to wonder if I had as much passion about dating as I do about business, if this whole process would be more effective. I can talk about business for days on end, but sometimes, if I’m honest with myself, I really think I could care less about dating. Yes, I would love to meet a guy who is fabulous and it would organically fall into place… but doesn’t every single girl want that? The difference is, I enjoy the journey with the business. I love the day to day building of it and the new ideas, and the problem solving. The dating journey.. not so much. It feels like a waste of time. Is something wrong with me? Should I be wanting a dating journey? Because seriously, I NEVER have. I’ve always figured, no rush… when the right one comes along great.

I must keep reminding myself how important it is to stay focused on the type of guy I want. It’s too easy for me to get caught up in a “well maybe I can make this work” just because it’s someone to date. I can’t wait to read Loverville’s blog because it’s all about her ‘First Dates’ and when she told me how many she’d had, I was blown away. I think I’ve been going at this dating thing all wrong. I can’t put my finger on exactly what I’m doing wrong, but I know it’s something.

I’m sure NY seems attractive to me right now because the grass is always greener. And I know NY doesn’t have the monopoly on men who are passionate and collaborative. I just have to figure out what my “gene deficiency” (as my friend “The Man”) calls it, for attracting guys/falling for guys that need to be ‘lifted up’ by me.

I will have to investigate. And while living in NY close to my old friends sounds great, I know the grass is always greener, and as soon as I moved here, it would be like living in LA. I wouldn’t be a ‘visiting novelty’ anymore and all of my friends with their many responsibilities in life, would go about their lives, and I’d wind up living alone in an expensive apartment in a city where I’d freeze my ass off every winter.

The good news is, this traveling gypsy doesn’t have to make any big life changing decisions at this moment. Who knows, with trips to Arizona and Texas in the near future, their grass may look pretty green there too!

©2011

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Clamgate!

Posted on July 8, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Yes, it was scandalous. I was having lunch with an old friend… did I mention I’m in New York City? At the moment I’m at a Beach House on Long Island working on my book for the weekend. I know, I sound like a pretentious author. That’s what I was going for, although I was totally kidding.. not about writing at the beach house, which I am AND stealing WiFi.

That’s not the only rule I broke today. I walked 4 miles in Manhattan and J-Walked like crazy! I was such a rebel! For years I’ve been living a law abiding life. NO J-walking. LAPD takes it very seriously! You will be ticketed and if you protest you will have to lie on your stomach on the ground with your hands behind your head. It’s not worth it to me. I’d rather cross at the light when the hand is white… if it turns red I wait instead..  just went from snobby beach house writer to Dr. Seuss.

Anyway, I was J-Walking around the city from the East side to the West where I met my old friend. He took me to an amazing Gluten Free restaurant. Of course NYC has awesome Gluten Free restaurants. I ordered a real dish, a dish I would have eaten before the Gluten Curse. I ordered pasta and clam sauce.

A lot has happened to me in the last 8 years, as you all know, but he had a lot to be caught up on. So lunch lasted two hours, most of which, I was talking (imagine that). Every once in a while I would stop to take a bite of my meal and savor the deliciousness of restaurant “Chef-cooked” food. By the end of the two hours, I had just about finished my meal. All the pasta was finished, I just had a few more chunks of clam. I was delighting in them. SO YUMMY, until….

It had to be the last clam! It was a big one too. I forked it into my mouth and began to chew… and chew…. and chew…… and chew….

Are you getting the picture? It’s Friday, so my friend suggested we get drinks. He got a beer and I ordered my signature Dirty Virgin Martini. Five minutes have gone by and I’m still chewing the damn clam. If you want to picture it, it’s about the size of a chewed up piece of Hubba Bubba. Not as big as Big League chew and not as small as Trident.

Here’s the problem- CLOTH NAPKINS! Now had this been a girlfriend, I would have figured something out, but this was a guy, and there was no way I was spittin’ out a chewed up hunk of clam in front of him. Of course now, for the first time in two hours I was not talking because I was chewing like a cow on cud, and he had to be wondering what the heck I was doing. I tried washing it down with my DV Martini, but then I was just chewing on clam on one side of my mouth and chewing on an olive on the other. It was just not working out! I got the olive down, but the clam was just not happening. I had created a psychological block around swallowing this huge hunk of clam!

I shoved the clam to the side of my mouth and told him I’d be right back. Luckily, because I’d walked, and therefore arrived 20 minutes early, I’d befriended the waitress who’d just moved here from Albuquerque a week before. I asked her if she could get me a paper napkin and explained the clam situation. She was right on it.

She went into a storage room and came out with a paper napkin. I quickly spit out the clam and crumpled the napkin only to realize, I couldn’t hand it to her. I had to go back to the table with my spit out clam.

My friend wanted to know what happened, so of course I had to tell him. “Why didn’t you just spit out the clam?” he asked. How do you explain to a guy who informed me that he had spit out his gum in the cloth napkin, that you just don’t do that. I didn’t. I just told him that’s how I roll.

Anyway, I’m falling in love with NY again. I never thought I’d say that. Of course it’s not winter. Am I too young to be a snowbird? Live in NY six months and live in Florida six months, and then travel to LA every other month for two weeks?

Maybe I should be a stewardess! Of course I’d have to work for Virgin…

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Stick A Fork In Me… I’m Done!

Posted on July 2, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I know I didn’t give it much of a chance, but this CAN’T be the way I’m supposed to meet men! Not ONE even got a second look (except of course the hot 22-year-old who keeps writing, but I’ve kept my pimp hand strong). A few (as in 10 out of over 200) have written and actually replied to my profile, and even if they didn’t all answer my “question” I overlooked it because they did read and comment. Unfortunately they are SO NOT my type, and I felt obligated to write back to be nice since they seemed nice, and eventually I had to tell them I was not interested, which sucked. The rest I could give a crap about because they fell into one of the following 5 categories.

WARNING: This is going to make me look really bitchy, which is exactly why this dating method is not right for me, because it brings out my mean streak. In “… ” is their message to me. After is what I wanted to write back, but of course didn’t…

1.  Boring me and you didn’t read my profile

“hi Gorgeous! Just wanted to let you know how cute you look out there :)”- well, I’m on this site to meet a guy who wants to read my profile, see if he’s interested and write me a nice note if he is, NOT some guy who’s going to tell me what I look like when I look in the mirror everyday and know what I look like..

“Dont mean to sound generic… nice pic & profile ;)” -then why would you write something generic?!?!?

“Hey whats up? You are a beautiful woman and I would really love yo get to know you better! 🙂 I think we could have a great time” – Then you shouldn’t have stopped at my picture and judging my looks, because I looked at your profile and we have NOTHING in common.. including beauty!

2. Yes and… 

“hi how are you”- I was fine until you wasted space in my inbox.

“amazing smile (:” -okay…. and so…..?

“hello I like your hat” -so do I that’s why I bought it

“Hey mrs smith” -was that the most clever thing you could come up with?

“love the shirt :)” -Mmm hmmm… I bet you’d love what’s under the shirt, but because you didn’t respond to my profile, you’ll never know.

“hi lets meet for a drink” -let’s not and say we did.. no let’s not and say nothing!

“Hi, How you been? How was your day? Besos” -Really? How I been? I been good. My day was good. Don’t write back!

“I would like to talk to you.” -I bet you would. I would like to talk to a guy who read my profile, but that’s not you, so buzz off!

3. I know I’m Wrong But I’ll Waste Your Time Anyway

“Hey, I just wanted to say that you are sooo wonderful, like a real Princess, and I know that you deserve the best in this life and no something so simple like me. But if you like simple people, here I am. I’ll be honest to you letting you know a little about me. My name is A; Cuban; 42 years old; living in South Beach, Miami Beach. I am 5′ 8″, 170 pounds, average/athletic, don’t smoke, drink occasionally, single.
I don’t have a boat, dont even know how to ride a motorcycle, and now adding I dont have my car, so maybe a perfect disaster.I have been in the States for over 8 years. I work for a company as CPO (Certified Pool Operator; a pool guy). I like for fun a lot of nice things such as going to the beach, night walks on the beach, out dinners, movies (at home or movie theaters), travel (when I have the money and time), play baseball/softball, watch sports, concerts, romantic moments, dance
(anykind of music, just to have fun)……….Well Princess, if you like what this simple guy has to offer; and you like to give me a call or text , my number is …………I would love to hear back from you” -If I wanted to hear from you I would have asked for someone to please write to me who is the exact opposite of what I talked about in my profile, and knows, but writes to me anyway, because I have tons of time to sort through duds who blatantly tell me they are a disaster. Thanks for that!

4. Lascivious  

“hello sexy! would you be interested?” – UH NO! And put a frickin’ shirt on dimwit!

“very delicious… 🙂 Care to visit Cape cod in the summer and Florida in the winter??:)” -Ewwww!

“I like your profile, and I think your stunningly beautiful, I might just surprise you…..
The old Chicago way!,,,,,GrrrowwL” -Okay, I don’t even want to know what the heck THAT means!

“Good Evening 2 U …OMG you have the most beautiful hair ! its very sexy and you look so Hot! I’m sure U hear that all the time,but i just had to say it.” -This only works when you’re 22 years old and hot, not when you say you’re 46 when you’re clearly 68!

“I like your smile.” – doesn’t seem lascivious, but if you saw the picture.. scary!!

5. Know your league! 

“Hi there. I noticed your photo and read your profile and would like to get to know you better. My name is C and I am a father of two boys. I am very active in their life and enjoy life to the fullest. I enjoy quiet walks, bicycle riding, traveling and most importantly spending time with someone special. 😉 Pictures and words don’t tell the whole story. Lets talk sometime.” -Yeah, they pretty much DO tell the whole story.

“bonjour sweet nice cute young lady”- Au revoir weird old guy, who has no idea if I’m nice, and judging by the response I’d like to send you, clearly I’m not!

I apologize if I offended any of you with my meanness. I’m not usually like this. And obviously I didn’t actually respond to any of these guys. That was just the devil on my shoulder typing. Internet dating is just bringing out my Scorpio stinger. This is not for me. And the worst part, is they make it so confusing to figure out how the heck to delete my profile which I plan to do as soon as I post this.

Here’s my thinking… I know it’s naive and in line with my “romantic comedy fantasy” but I don’t care. Since 1995 I’ve had not one, not two, but three palm readers or psychics tell me that I already know the man I’m going to marry. So even though I overstayed my better instincts in my Shady relationship, because I thought he was the palm reader’s prediction, I am still going to hold onto the idea, that I don’t have to meet any more strange guys, because my soulmate is someone I already know.

©2011


Posted in Chick lit, romantic comedy, Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Time To Meet Page Turner

Posted on June 30, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Page and I go waaaaaaaaay back! It’s about time she jumped onto the blog character bandwagon. Page and I used to work together. We had our own floor in a three floor building, so while we were very efficient in our work, we were also very efficient at multi-tasking work with “girl talk.” We are both Scorpios and take that very seriously. To say Page is a head turner is an understatement.  She’s a muse, and I mean a real one, as in she walks into a room and men get the urge to paint her or write a song about her. Not to mention she’s been the inspiration for the design of both comic book characters and pin-up girls.

When I imagine what Page was like as a young girl, I picture the hot chick who developed faster than the rest, and read Judy Blume’s book Forever, first so she could teach all of her girlfriends about sex. She has a way a wrapping guys around her finger. And she speaks her mind… and that didn’t go over with the higher ups in our company. Strike one, was that she was female. Strike two, was that she had a mind. Strike three was that she spoke that mind. I knew she wouldn’t last. She was too creative, too inspired for that place, so of course they continued to overlook her and she left. I put up with that crap for years after she was gone, and when I finally quit, she couldn’t wait to congratulate me and then bust my butt about why it took so long.

The great thing about Page, is that even though guys lose their minds over her, she’s a girls’ girl. She always has her friends’ backs. Women aren’t jealous of her because she’s their advocate. She would rather lose a friend protecting her, than see her friend hurt. And she fights to the death. She is not to be messed with. Scorpio women are the best friends to have and the worst enemies, and Page epitomizes that. Loyal to a fault, unless you cross her, so don’t. Why would you? She’s too fun to hang out with.

For me, she’s already been there done that, even though she’s younger, so she’s my very own “Dear Abby.”

So Page, you’ve already gotten a taste of my internet dating, and yes, I was there with you through yours… (tomorrow, I’m going to share a list of all of the notes I’ve received, and what I “wish” I could write back but wouldn’t dare), so here’s a taste of what I’m up against:

I’ve received almost 100 emails today. I’ve written back to two. The first started off okay, telling me about our “James Bond date,” but then he finished off with:

“Can you verify that in fact that you are jewish” ummm… can you capitalize Jewish? That’s not what I wrote back, what I wrote back was:

“Verify that I’m Jewish? Well, I’m a girl or I’d show you my circumcision… Is there a special code word I was supposed to be given in temple? Because I’m reform and cut most of my Hebrew school classes.”

I figured that would turn him off. But no. He wrote back “Verified. Would you like to meet for a drink?”

But by then it was too late for him, because there was a picture in my inbox and the guy had a cute smile and all of his hair, and appeared to be wearing a football uniform with pads and everything. So I clicked on him and his message said:

“Why are you single??????” a question that normally irritates the heck out of me, but I had to check out his picture. Sure enough… 22, still in college, and apparently on the football team. So I wrote back (because God Forbid I should restrain myself!):

“Why am I single? Because hot 22-year-olds distract me from the men I should be
writing to so I can end my single-hood.” To which he replied:

“LOL omg you have a sense of humor too??????? how the heck are you single???????????????? lol im Mark :)” Hmmm abbreviations, over punctuations, and smiley faces… I need to delete this child, but instead I wrote back:

“Well Mark, you are like dangling a bottle of Patron in front of an alcoholic. So I’m going
to thank you for being the only guy with hair to write to me, and wish you success with
someone else. I’m on the “younger man wagon” and I’m about to get my 4 month chip,
so don’t tempt me.” Which of course was an invitation to tempt me..

“lol did i mention i also live in your area!!! we are a match made in heaven!!!!! lol i tried to IM you did it go through?? can u text? To which I replied:

“They don’t allow people over 40 to IM. I guess too many people got confused and called
the support department so, they just cut us all off. We also made a pact that no one
over 40 texts because even though I don’t have kids, apparently it’s a big problem for
parents whose kids only communicate with them via text, so I have to respect the pact.
I’m afraid you’re going to have to find a young local Babe with fingers that text as fast as
the wind and full IM capabilities.”

“LOL i love you. no really. true love. ring and all. maybe a ringpop because they taste good. i would say were flirting huh? 🙂 i didnt know they made women this gorgeous and funny as well? in my area too?? im off p… and p… are you close??? by the way im actually 43 years old. were perfect!!!!!!! lol” Okay, has he had success with older women just saying, “yeah, I’m just a few minutes down the road, I’ll be right over!”? Because I wrote:

“While it would be divine to live out a “Friday Night Lights” fantasy with you, I’m going to go to sleep now and wake up to 30 messages from guys old enough to be your
grandfather who also claim to be 43, with whom I will not flirt for even a second. But
this has been a fun five minutes.”

“lol we should definitely get together on a night you dont have a date (which im sure is veryyyy rare lol) care to call me? from blocked even?” That’s why I find younger men so irresistible, they don’t give up. They truly believe they can wear us down… I had to take one more look at that football picture… I used to have one of First Love taking a knee, just like it. Of course, this young stud also had his pictures of himself taking shirtless photos in the mirror.

Like I said, it was fun for five minutes, but my eye is on the prize and that prize is older than me, uses a cell phone to speak, does NOT say lol OR omg, and never refers to himself as a little i. He wears a shirt, until I tell him to take it off, and he is smart, sexy, and interesting.

So Page, I look forward to enjoying your comments. Welcome to the cast of the RCG characters!

©2011

 



Posted in Chick lit, romantic comedy, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Mr. & Mrs. Smith.. Not A Good Headline? We’ll See…

Posted on June 29, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

So, the dating site informed me that it’s been a week since I signed up, and I must say there’s been little movement. I even changed my headline to Mr & Mrs Smith which did get 3 responses despite me not having a picture.

But I just did it.. I uploaded a picture. It’s an experiment. Not one of my typical fabulous headshots…. just a pic of me in a cowboy hat and a Yankees tank top, sunglasses so I can pretend it’s not me if someone recognizes me. And I’ll give this profile another week. If no bites, I’ll change it to something less romantic, more ball busting and we’ll see if they like that better.

MR & MRS SMITH

Love that movie! And there is the distinct possibility that I’m in fact a spy, but if I told you I’d have to _________…

I am at that lucky time in my life, where all the good men who were married while I was in my 20’s & 30’s are now divorced, and know what they want when looking for a relationship. So, for all of you good men out there, please read carefully, and don’t write to me if you’re not interested in reading my profile.

What I like… I’ve been writing romantic comedies for two decades, and like my characters, I want the happy ending AND I want the romance that leads up to the happy ending to last a lifetime… in other words, after the movie ends, and our heroes are on their own… I want all the good stuff to keep going.

Those dates that you see on the Bachelorette.. wait, I’m not sure I want a guy who watches the Bachelorette.. well, I suppose it’s okay if it’s for research. I want those kinds of dates, the kind that have been thought through specifically to make your partner happy. Oh, yes, I want a partnership, so I am equally excited to create magical dates for you. Now, not every date has to be a major production, I believe that romance can be found in the most simple and unexpected circumstances. So, just so I know that you’re actually reading this, let’s play the Dating Game… If you write to me, please tell me your idea of a romantic date, and you need not include the word whoppie… and if you’re too young to get that reference, you’re too young to date me.

It suggests I talk about my hobbies.. I love watching sports, especially live, but a comfy couch with a big screen TV will do. I love to be on the water in a boat, fishing is a bonus… being with a guy who knows how to clean a fish and cut it into sushi would be a super bonus! I love going to the movies… except horror, Freddy Krueger shows up in my dreams once in a while, and it’s creepy because I don’t know if he’s real, and I just can’t take a chance. So no more SAW people need to be added to my unconscious mind. I love dogs, especially BIG dogs. I love spa days, yoga, meditation, vacations to tropical places. I’d really like to see the beauty of states like Colorado, Montana.. actually any state in the USA. I’m not terribly adventurous, but I’d love a guy who is, with whom I feel so secure that I feel safe being adventurous. Adrenaline junkies need not reply. Not looking to fall in love with a guy who may kill himself doing something that has a warning in a Jackass movie.

My favorite comedy is Anchorman, I also love the Hangover, so if that’s you’re humor.. we’re good. I was never into comic books or dungeons and dragons, but if you’re a guy who in high school was totally into that and girls never noticed you, and you did really well in school, and then somewhere after graduation, started growing into a handsome guy who girls were noticing, and you weren’t sure why.. that’s a good sign for me. On the other hand, if you were a stud in high school, and your love for yourself continues to grow, we’re probably NOT a fit, but I’ll know that because you’ll be the guy with no shirt on in your profile picture.

Talk about my goals… I have my own business, and it’s pretty virtual, so I can work from anywhere. My goal is to maintain that freedom. I know that dating divorced men with kids, means having a home base, close to the kids, or with the kids, if they live with you. That’s fine, as long as you understand that I do travel for my work, and you’re cool with that. I also have a goal to have 3 vacation homes. I have a clear picture of them in my mind.. one’s tropical, one’s in the snowy mountains, and one is more desert-y-like Sedona or somewhere in New Mexico.

My music will probably weed a lot of guys out… I was an 80’s hairband girl, still love my Bon Jovi, Poison, and Metallica, but in the last year I’ve gotten deeply immersed in Country music. Any genre of music that can get excited about having “a weekend full of nothing to do at all.. Yeehaw” just sounds so relaxing to me. So, yes, this girl, born and raised in NY, has discovered her hillbilly bone… and I play it in my hybrid car… LOUDLY.

Are you still reading? Wow, I’m impressed.. oops, I just peeked ahead and I think I answered some of the questions in here.. so I’ll quit now, and move on…. but first, I spent a year doing Gracie Jiu Jitsu with Rorian Gracie and his two sons.. just a fun fact.

PS MY WONDERFUL READERS:

In the time it took me to cut and paste that profile I have received 5 emails from men. It’s the picture. Dang it! Hold on, let me check these dudes out and give you a report..

GOOD FRIGGIN’ LORD… I need to smack all these men around! Or maybe it’s me. If you read my profile above and did not see where I asked them to answer a specific question then please tell me, because I think it’s glaringly clear! And a “Hi, I like your profile” is not an adequate “reach out.”

Oh who cares. These guys all claim to be in their forties yet they look like grandfathers or recent ex-cons. So bottom line, I’m not getting a date off of this site! But I may get some entertaining blog material, so I’ll stick with it a little longer…

Is it wrong to write back to a guy who is clearly in his late 50’s and say, “43? Really? I call bullshit!”

PPS I think Steve Carell’s twin brother just wrote to me, only by the looks of his profile, he doesn’t have Steve’s attractive sense of humor. I better say goodbye to you ladies. I can tell that by adding a picture, I can probably keep adding updates all night!

©2011

Posted in Chick lit, romantic comedy, Uncategorized | 7 Comments