Hanging Out On Love And Life

Posted on June 24, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I spent a lot of time on Dating Guru’s site Love and Life tonight, because this internet dating has got me SCARED SH*@LESS! She has a GREAT post that made me laugh out loud “What’s Most Important In A Potential Mate? I love the lists written for each decade. And of course, I took it to heart.

Today, I was at the gym, and I swear every other guy I saw is from the dating site. Did I tell you they removed my picture? You couldn’t see me in it anyway, and I’m not putting another one up. It’s proven to be interesting, in that the guys who do write me, either didn’t read the profile and are just sending out a “Hi” to everyone who is female, or they did read the profile, and took a chance on a “no-picture” because my “War and Peace” as one guy joked, is funny and charming.

But then I look at who sent the email, and there is just no way. And it’s a bummer, because, they are very witty. But it just goes to show that there are good guys out there for women who want to date guys who look like they’re just out of prison or old enough to be a grandfather.  Seriously ladies, I’m a little scared to leave my house because apparently every single man within’ ten miles of me between the ages of 40-47 are bald, tatted, and sportin’ a fu-manchu. And there is NO WAY that these guys are telling the truth about their age, unless guys in this area age unusually early, which is possible with the tropical sun.

I even filled out a ‘Chemistry’ quiz, and I don’t know who engineered this thing, but he or she should be fired! Here’s what my report said about family:

Family Orientation

As someone low in family orientation [uh, hello! My family is the most important thing in the world to me! I chased a guy up the street with a butcher knife to keep him away from my sister who was in the house], you’re not sure whether raising children and developing a family is what you want out of life.  If you don’t have children, you’re probably not very sure whether you desire having any in the future. Or, perhaps you’re not ready to settle down into a serious relationship just yet.[1 question about wanting kids, and my answer was no, because I don’t want to physically have any, but where is the question about him coming with kids? That’s my dream, instant family- dumb quiz!]  It’s not necessarily that you are opposed to the idea of having a family, it’s just that you’re not convinced that the domestic lifestyle is for you. This sentiment is illustrated by the fact that you don’t particularly enjoy doing things around the house-like cooking and entertaining guests [Since when does “not enjoying cooking” illustrate that I don’t want a domestic lifestyle? Where was the question about “do you love to fold laundry or unload the dishwasher?” to which both would be the answer yes! AND I’d do it in a French Maid’s costume, so don’t illustrate me as the un-domesticated goddess! And who said I don’t like entertaining guests? Where was that illustrated? I LOVE throwing parties] . Instead, you tend to prefer eating out at restaurants and going to clubs and parties [Who the frick are they talking about? I can’t eat gluten, sugar, or caffeine which means I HATE eating out! I have been to 1 club in the last decade, and it was only so I could blog about it for you gals! And parties? What parties? Where are these parties that I prefer to go to? The last party I went to was Hip Mom’s son’s 3rd birthday party and he just turned 4!]. It’s possible that in time you might prefer spending more time at home as you may eventually grow tired of late nights out. [it’s 1am and I’m blogging in bed, which is where I am every night that I’m not asleep by 11. Seriously? This is a chemistry test?] However, your voracious appetite for excitement might make staying at home on a weekend night unappealing. [YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!]

This next part is on my “lack of self-control” REALLY? No control? ME? SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE FIRED!!!

Self-Control

The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate. Well that’s kind of true, in the Sister always tells me I’m too blunt

Here’s where everything goes terribly wrong..

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. UMM.. me? Not focused? Not detail oriented? Is this like when you go to the Doctor for blood tests and they accidentally switch your blood sample and you get someone else’s results? 

Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. ME? TOO RELAXED TO FOCUS ON A PROJECT? Now I’m pissed! I seriously want someone fired over this! This is defamation of character! I am a FRICKIN’ Control freak, Damn it!  Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.”  ME UNRELIABLE?!?! I swear my head’s going to explode! Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring. Yeah, I write about those ‘short-lived pleasures’ and to my readers I am never thought of as boring, but that’s not the point! 

And now they want me to take another test to “Determine what I’m doing to mess up a relationship.” I don’t think so dating site! I’m through being quizzed. Go tell someone else that they mess up relationships by being too clingy and needy… because I’m so uber-independent, that sometimes, the guys in my life don’t even feel like they have a girlfriend!

And stop sending me messages that 25 guys have looked at my profile and I’m missing them. I got through 20 pages of men… I’m not missing anything!

Well, this entry took a weird turn… I was just going to talk about my list of things I want in a guy since Dating Guru’s blog entry was so funny. Ah well, another night when I’m not being unreliable because I’m out partying at the club with some guy I never want to have a family with because I refuse to cook!

©2011

 

Posted in Chick lit, romantic comedy, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Internet Dating… Let The Madness Begin

Posted on June 22, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I’m writing this simultaneously as I’m doing my “online profile,” because already, RCG is in full effect! First, just to sign on, you have to fill out the letters you see in the box. Well I did this about 5 times to no avail, thinking FATE IS TELLING ME TO RUN.. when I read the fine print and discovered I was only supposed to write the letters under the circles.

So, now I’m in and I have to fill out my “questionnaire to meet my soulmate.” It said interested in… I wrote MEN. It said how tall… I wrote 5’11”, of course that is only a minimum and I was wondering why it didn’t have range.. which is when I realized it was asking for MY height.. ooops.

GEEZ it’s been 2 seconds and I did it again! It said looking for… I wrote “long-term” it said hair, and then gave a list of colors, well I wanted to choose more than one… oops they meant MY hair color. What is wrong with me? I may have to write ‘slightly stupid’ if there’s an “intelligence” question.

HA! I just selected “I’m am serious and want to get married”… hmmm now that I write that, a little anxiety is coming up. Hold on…

Okay, just changed that to “I am putting in serious effort to find someone.” Okay, I can live with that.

Just wrote the whole profile and it was LOOOOOOOONG, only to discover that a lot of what I wrote, was supposed to be answered in “interests” and “ideal first date.” I tried to post a picture of only my eyes, since I’m technically a fictional character and they won’t let me post a cartoon. So instead I posted a picture of me way in the distance.

Oooo, I just had my first guy write.. here’s what he has to say:

Hi,

I just read your profile and really liked it. I believe all that matters in life is your family, friends, and that one person you truly fall in Love with and marry, everything else is an illusion and means nothing in the end.

I really like to travel, I have been all over the world to work on business and of course vacation and explore. I also really like to cook, I think there is nothing better than making dinner together, have some appetizers, drink my amazing homemade red wine, and eat by candlelight. Yes, I am a bit of a romantic, and I am not ashamed of that at all.

I think we have a lot in common, so tell me more about you. 🙂 Your family, career, how do you like the insane world of online dating? LOL!

C

P.S – I know you are use to much more heartfelt messages like “Hey wanna chat?” LOL! Sorry, I am not like most men who are morons and have no clue on how to treat a woman, I do know how.
I deleted his name, because it’s not important, what IS important is the line I put in RED, you see, C did NOT read my profile, if he had, he would have seen that I told him to write something very specific, when writing to me. I did this because I don’t want form letters like this one. Hmmphf!.. Wait.. here comes another one.

Okay, I’m not going to share that one, because it was utterly confusing! And in addition he added me to his favorites.. it’s too soon for that!

Another guy just sent a “wants to meet you.” Again, couldn’t have read my profile, or he would see that I’m not meeting anyone without some correspondence first.

Okay my iPhone keeps buzzing, I’m starting to freak out. It’s not even like they have a good picture to look at. I’m like the “Jeff” of the Bachelorette, only without the Phantom music. Of course that totally backfired on him because he was a dud. I see this as the opposite, when a guy takes an interest in the really good profile I wrote, and doesn’t have a good photo to go on, he will be ecstatic… so this should be interesting!

I’ll keep you posted…

©2011

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My Love Hate Relationship With The Bachelorette

Posted on June 20, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I’m a romantic comedy girl, the Bachelorette is all about romance… so I get sucked in knowing FULL well how contrived and scripted it is. What I hate about the show is how complicated they make it, with the “Bentleys” and the drama and the insecurities. What I love about it are the one on one dates. What I hate about it is how they coach the guys to act hurt when they get voted off or to say in their confessionals all those lovey dovey things… or do they really feel that way? And if so, is there hope for the institution of marriage? Go with me here…

Let me preface this by saying this applies to all Bachelor/Bachelorette shows that I’ve seen which started with Trista (she was my first… tough act to follow), The NY Giants guy (had to, he was a NY Giant), the Firestone winery guy, Jake, Brad (the second time), and now Ashley. So, I’ve missed quite a number of seasons, but I got the gist.

As I said, I LOVE the dates, they’re the only part of the show I care about. I love the thought that goes into planning them so they are appropriate for the person being taken on the dates (even if it’s perfectly crafted by the producers). I love the locations, sure Thailand is beautiful, but I’d be perfectly happy on a dating tour of the good ole US of A.

I love the conversations they have, yes, I know, they were carefully cast so they’d have stories of hardship and growth, but don’t we all have these stories in our lives, and wouldn’t it be beautiful to share them with a guy taking me to my first honkey tonk in TX, or in an outdoor jacuzzi in the snow of Aspen, or deep sea fishing in the FL keys, or kayaking with the seals in La Jolla, CA?

I want a date where I have front row tickets to a Superbowl, and if it’s somewhere cold, my date has supplied us with toasty warm weather gear care of a personal shopping day. I want a date in the Hamptons where we cook Lobster in the sand.. I don’t even know how it’s done, but I was at a party in Malibu once, and they did it and it was cool.

I also want dates where I’m pushed out of my comfort zone, so when they’re over, we are exhilarated with adrenaline and closer than ever, like going in a cage with sharks around us… there, I’ve said it!  I’d be scared as hell but I’d be a better person when the cage was pulled out of the water, and I was safe and sound. I don’t see the thrill in bungee jumping, but I would like a Zip line date…. again, it terrifies me, but I’d do it. And if I don’t get a boyfriend soon, I may just go on girl dates with AdventureBiz Babe, because she wouldn’t bat an eyelash at these…

I want the simple dates too… a picnic in New Mexico somewhere in nature, where perhaps we’d see wild horses run by.. do they have them in New Mexico? If not, a picnic in a state where there would be wild horses, or buffalo, not as appealing to the eye, but historical. A beach at sunset, someplace tropical, white river tubing in Oregon, a meditation retreat in Sedona.

To simplify it even more… how about a home-cooked meal by candlelight, with new dishes and new music, to make it feel like out of the ordinary in the ordinary. How about a date in a rainstorm, where we wash each other’s hair?

Have I been duped by the producers and the guys fighting for the love of Ashley? Or are there really still romantics out there? The way I see it, is if a guy loves romance as much as I do, and we both make a commitment to maintaining that romance for the rest of our lives… couldn’t there be a “happily ever after?” Is it so far fetched to think that these well-thougt-out dates planned by producers who’ve asked these guys a few page loads of questions, couldn’t be planned by two people who are spending enough time together to ask the same questions because they actually care about each other?

Yet, I can’t say that I hear my friends in relationships or married, bragging about their romantic dates. When does the disconnect happen? Almost EVERY girl who has been engaged has a romantic proposal story. Even Shady gets an A++ for his proposal arrangements.. he gave me my Pretty Woman moment.. literally, re-enacted it in a sense, down to the hotel balcony that Vivian hangs off of and the double doors that she runs through to jump on the bed… Only when I ran through the doors to jump on the bed, there was a heart made of rose petals with a ring in the center.

So much thought and planning goes into a proposal. What if even an 8th of that thought went into a date once a month? Isn’t there time for once a month?! Six times a year the girl plans the perfect date for her man and six times a year he plans the perfect date for her. TWELVE DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR?! Can’t it be done? Imagine connecting as deeply as Trista and Ryan once a month. I use them because they’re still happily married so I believe what happened on that show for them was real. You can think I’m a sucker, and I am… a sucker for romance.

I have to believe there’s the Yin to my Yang out there… somewhere, a man who wants to get a one on  one date card from me every other month… someone, who wants to see my face light up when I open his one on one date card. If I could spend the rest of my life thinking of ways to make the man I love happy every day, ways to make him smile EVERYDAY, and he felt the same way about me… I’d be happy for the rest of my life.

And you know what? I won’t settle for less, even if it means I’m going to wind up a crazy old lady in a mental hospital, filled with delusions of romance, it’s better than the alternative… settling for second best. Nope, my soulmate is out there and we will find each other, and I will accept his rose…

©2011

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Sauna Etiquette Rant!

Posted on June 17, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I have to get this off my chest as it’s fresh in my mind. There were three critical offenses happening simultaneously in the sauna today. Perhaps, I am the only one who finds them offensive, and if that’s the case, fine… don’t do them when you’re in the sauna with me. I will list the offenses from least offensive to MOST and TERRIBLY OFFENSIVE.

1. Speaking loudly with your friend. Look, when I am in a sauna with a friend, alone, we have been known to converse. It’s not offensive if no one else is in the sauna to be offended. But the minute someone else enters the sauna, it becomes a sanctuary. Perhaps the occasional whisper to one another, but sometimes that’s as annoying as loud talkers. Let’s be real. You’re not going to be in the sauna for more than 20 minutes or so, you can hold your “life’s epiphany” for a little while longer.

2. Blasting your iPod and doing sit-ups. Ummmm, call me crazy, but isn’t that why the gym floor is 30 paces away? Get out of the sauna, and do your sit ups in the gym! If you want to sweat, throw on a thermal underwear top! IF you don’t want to cover yourself because you want to show off your abs, I’m not bitin’ lady! I don’t care if you’ve got a 12-pack or a muffin top! I’m not checking you out in the sauna! I am in the sauna to relax in tranquility, and that ACID ROCK blasting from your iPod, is blocking my Chi! I’m taking meditative breaths in here and that’s not easy to do at this temperature, and raising my blood pressure with your rude behavior is not helping!

3. Brace yourselves ladies, I’m about to get nasty. And I don’t mean “mean/nasty” I mean “gross/nasty.” Remember Dolphin shorts? They had an elastic band but they weren’t tight around the legs? I guess the new version of those is a thinner more “parachute pants” material, but the fit is the same- tight elastic band at the top, and wide around the thigh, yet short, quite short! Now, this length does not bother me when someone is standing up. It also doesn’t bother me when someone is sitting up like a lady. It starts to bother me when someone is lying down with her knees up, because her butt is visible… but not being a prude, I can deal. However, when someone is lying down, with one knee bent, and the other open to the side, there is a clear view of the crotch area. Again, wouldn’t be terribly offensive in a sauna IF the chick were wearing underwear!!!! I might even be less offended if she were waxed, because then, I’d technically be looking at skin, and if I were able to identify “lady parts” it meant that “I” was looking too closely! Now, had she been vajazzled, THEN not only would it NOT have been offensive, it totally would have turned into “chick talk time” because girlfriend would have had to share the bejeweled vajooge, so we all could get a good look, for research purposes. The talking chicks would now be talking with everyone, even crunch girl, would turn off the music for a closer look and we would all bond beautifully and agree to meet there every week at the same time. BUT, such was not the case with the furry forest vajooge! Now, I don’t expect all women to wax.. why the heck would you.. it kills! It’s torture! I only do it because I like pain.. But this chick was moving her legs back and forth, to let her bush blow in the breeze.. and it was hot and there was condensation going on in there. She’d been in there much longer than I had. And I didn’t WANT to stare, but it keeps drawing you back. Like, am I really seeing what I’m seeing? (peek) Yup! no underwear, definitely not… Is it really possible for pubic hair to grow so high and so wide? (peek) Yup! It’s possible and it’s happening right there! Where? (peek) Right there! Did she just change positions? (peek) Yup! She did… still have full frontal vajooge view though. IS she drinking water? (peek) Yup! But obviously she doesn’t have to close her legs to do that. I don’t like seeing sweat beads dripping from a vajooge… it’s gross, I’m gross just writing about it..

Sister is screaming “Eww!” in her office as she reads this, I just know it. But if I have helped one modern day version of an unwaxed dolphin shorts wearer, who likes to go commando, see the errors of her ways, and spare another RCG fan’s eyes the burn that has been permanently scared my corneas, then my work is done here!

Word!

©2011

 

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The Longest Seven Minutes Of My Life

Posted on June 15, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Okay, YES, I’m being a drama queen. I know I’ve had moments in my life where time stood still and it was awful, but this isn’t that kind of blog. This is the kind of blog where the longest seven minutes of my life is when I’m staring at my toes, which are in the air, being smothered to near death… YES, I’m being dramatic again, but I’ve earned it! It all started this morning…

I was in yoga doing a shoulder stand, when the teacher told the class that 5 minutes in an inversion is the equivalent of a 20 minute cardiovascular workout. 20 minutes?!?!? I don’t know about you ladies, but I’ve been working out in a gym for over 20 years and there is no mixed ipod soundtrack, no episode of The Housewives of New Jersey being displayed above my head (even when there’s table dumping and hair being ripped from heads), NOT EVEN a hot guy sweating through his shirt on an elliptical machine in front of me, that can make working out on a piece of cardio equipment  bearable for me.

SO! When I heard this magic bullet solution, I thought, GREAT! I will get an hour of cardio in daily, by putting “shoulder stand for 5 minutes” into my calendar 3 times per day. Easy peasy!

Here’s why you get this ‘great cardio workout’. Apparently, when you’re upside-down, everything goes in the other direction, like your blood, so the heart has to work differently to… I don’t know, I think I missed the explanation because I was so excited about my new ‘cardio epiphany’.. I guess it has to work harder to keep you alive.. yes, that’s it, for sure.

There is also an added benefit, for me, which is that in shoulder stand you tuck your chin into your chest, protecting the neck, of course, but also doing something to improve your thyroid functioning.. again, missed the explanation because I was so excited that I was going to improve my poor abused Type-A thyroid, with just 3 five-minute shoulder stand sessions a day.

Here’s what I wasn’t counting on.. when my yoga instructor said that everything goes in the other direction, he meant “everything.” Now, during my typical 1 minute shoulder stands in class, not “everything” has time to fall in the other direction… my D-sized boobs, for example. They move more like marmalade, so they never really fully went in the other direction. This is a good thing, because it means that the other 16 hours and 30 minutes that I’m upright, they don’t move downward.

However, after minute 2, I suddenly found myself being slowly suffocated as my marmalade boobs continued their slow decent… slowly, but certainly suffocating me.

Here, are just some of the thoughts that went through my mind during the last 5 minutes of my inversion as I was being suffocated to death by my boobs:

1. “Why the heck do I have to be such an over achiever?!? He said five minutes! Why did I set my timer for 7?! Who am I trying to impress!”

2. “How will I know if I’m actually going to suffocate and therefore should stop before the timer? Will I feel light headed? Or will I just keep pushing myself to stay inverted until the timer goes off, killing myself, in what is sure to be a puzzling death to CSI people since I will have fallen out of my inversion and it will be unclear as to how I suffocated.”

3. “Great! I have to cough.”

4. “Why does a cough always come on at the worst possible time? I mean, I never cough when I’m sitting alone watching TV. No, it’s always when I’m sitting in a car that seats 5 and we’ve squished in 6, and I’m in the middle. And you know it’s always one of those coughs that sounds gross. And all the poor people are trapped in the car with me, and I’m hacking up a lung, which I know is just a sinus infection because I’m allergic to my dogs and forgot to take my Singulair two nights in a row, but they all think I’m bringing back a contagious plague.”

5. “And what is up with those crazy coughs? Why can’t they be held in? (Have you ever tried?) I have! My eyes start tearing up and my nose starts running.. quickly like it’s up for a medal, so I’ve got streaming tears mixed with mucus dripping down my face and I’m trying to keep my cough in, which is causing the appearance of a dry heave… this usually happens when I’m in the center of a row listening to a speaker at a big conference, and the people on either side of me are bracing themselves because they think I’m about to vomit.”

6. “GOOD LORD, how many minutes have gone by, is this torture almost over?”

7. “Jeez, I really have to cough! What if I cough and my neck turns? I’m not supposed to turn my neck in shoulder stand. I can paralyze myself by coughing right now. Should I come down before the timer goes off?”

8. “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD, my boobs are literally smothering me to death. I can’t breathe! I don’t think I could cough if I tried. I can’t take a deep enough breath in to allow for a cough… How long until the FRIGGIN TIMER GOES…”

Cue “Cricket sound effects” (that’s what my iPhone timer is set for.. peaceful crickets)

OWWW! Being in shoulder stand for seven minutes hurts when you come out of it… man, I am a big complainer! How am I going to do this 3 times a day for 5 minutes?

There has GOT to be an easier way to get 60 minutes of cardio!

©2011

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Help! My Mom Is Embarrassing Me!

Posted on June 14, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I’m at one of those rare times in life where anything is possible. I’ve given myself the Eat Pray Love year… without leaving the country.. or eating Italian food.. I suppose I could start praying… and if you’ve been following this blog there’s been a little bit of lovin’… though really none to speak of. I literally got rid of almost everything I owned (boy was my housekeeper happy!) moved out of the place I’d lived for 14 years (it was getting moldy) and decided to travel to at least 15 new cities.

Right now, I’m in the same city as my mom, and I’m reliving childhood memories on a larger scale. When I was a kid, my mom embarrassed me.. a lot! We’d go to a store and she’d find a pull in a sweater and ask to see the manager so she could get the sweater discounted.. it always worked. She always said hello to every person she walked by on the street. If a person appeared to be of ‘Spanish speaking’ decent, she’d say, “Hola.” I would cringe. But worst of all was that she would sing and dance in public, as if no one else were in the mall, and the food court was her Broadway stage.

Well, now I’m giving HER a run for her money. I can discount shop like no one’s business. Those Maxxinistas got nothin’ on me… They can take their T.J. Maxx and I will raise them a Nordstrom Rack and it will be a throw down! Not only do I say hello to everyone I walk by (only in English, though), I talk to people in elevators… yup, I do. And as far as singing and dancing in public.. I really don’t know how it happened. You’d think that the scars from my childhood would have swayed me in such the opposite direction, but I memorized so many 80’s videos that not only do I sing and dance in public, I re-enact the video.

So, how is it, that my mom can still embarrass me? How else? Men. I truly am cherishing the time I have with my mom, so we’re doing lots of cool stuff together.. like acupuncture. Yes, I consider that cool. Yesterday, a new client was in the acupuncture office… a new ‘handsome’ client. My mom gave me the ‘eyes’ …. she should never poker. I looked him over. Fantastic build! Very well dressed. Completely shaven (cue the scratch on the record player sound effect)

Completely shaven… hmm. Being from L.A. first instinct- GAY! As in Yogi Cupcake, you have a pick up at Sprinkles. But, then I thought, what would Soulmate Guru and Dating Guru say? Maybe, he’s a swimmer.. or a triathlete. Yes! New Hot Guy is a triathlete, those extra hairs could add crucial seconds to his finish time. Buuuuuuuuuuut.. then I heard him say his name. He had two first names, not like the gay guys in West Hollywood who have a first name for a last name so their full name is ‘David Paul’… no, this guy had two first names AND a last name. So let’s just call him JeffAnthony. I’m thinking SO gay… and wishing he did live in West Hollywood, because I have SO many guy friends to set him up with! But again, just in case he’s not..

First of all… that’s a lot of syllables to have to get out of your mouth in the heat of passion. It wold probably wind up all shortened and lispy like Jefthy! Oh Jefthy! Or… if I wanted to think positively, I could close my eyes, pronounce both names clearly, and pretend I was in a threesome! Oh Jeff.. Anthony! Yee-essss. I’m starting to see some possibility…

I even broached the subject of his sexual preference with my acupuncturist as she was sticking needles in me. Knowing how professional she is, I knew I couldn’t girlie gossip, so I simply said, “It’s so confusing in this city. In LA, I see a great looking guy, who is well dressed and shaven and I immediately know he’s gay. Especially when he has two first names.” To which she replied, “Well not here. My new client is not gay. He’s an athlete. And don’t ask me anything else….. (pause)….He’s actually very nice, too.”

Hmm. I may be in. I’ll bet she’ll schedule us at the same time. I fell asleep on that thought, only to be awoken by the heat lamps being pulled from my body (the worst part of the treatment. I could live under those heat lamps).

I was excited about the future possibilities of running into JeffAnthony, when my mom informed me, that she’d been chatting me up to the girl at the front desk, in the hopes of making a love connection. According to mom, Front Desk Gal was going to be looking out for me.

UH! Utter humiliation! Now, I’m embarrassed to go back! And who does their hair and put on mascara for acupuncture? ME.. now! Oh brother!  But she didn’t stop there.

I have a favorite Yoga instructor at my gym, here (don’t tell Yogi Cupcake). Unlike LA, the yoga instructors here are straight. Perhaps you remember me mentioning one a month or so ago. Of course, he was a baby, so while I gawk, I don’t touch. I was trying to turn my mom onto his class, but he’s been away for 24 days, in Israel. Today he returned. Mom got to meet him. A nice Jewish guy, who while he teaches at my gym also has his own facility where he trains yoga instructors. AND mom thinks he’s cute. He is, but Yogi Cupcake explained that there’s some Yogi law, that you can’t sleep with/date your students, unless they stop coming to your class. I need this one great class more than I need sex. THAT’S how mediocre the instructors are here. So, I’ve been ignoring his looks.

But mom swooped in on him after class, getting his entire life’s itinerary, and promising we’d make the trip to a further away gym for his Wed & Fri classes. He was pleased that she was such a fan, and then she gave me ‘the eyes’ RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM!!! He actually flushed and he was TAN! Now I have to see him at 11am knowing full well, mom will be giving me ‘eyes’ the whole class!

I don’t know what to make of this behavior. I’m thinking she’s thinking, if she can set me up with a man here, I’ll stay close to home. I’m thinkin’ that if she doesn’t ease up, she’s going to scare all the fish from my bait. Literally! She’s like the one person in the group you take fishing, and everyone sits silently until someone gets a nibble, and she gets so excited she stands up in the boat and scares all the fish!

I may have to get my own boat!

©2011

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Girls, If You Want To Get A Man… Get Your Curve On!

Posted on June 11, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

This came directly from the Lion’s Den. The Lion is my hairdresser, and no matter where I am in the country, every other month I return home to spend two hours in the Den. The Lion never ceases to entertain me. He is very opinionated when it comes to women and beauty, and being one of the few ‘straight’ hairdressers in Los Angeles, I take his opinion very seriously. He’s also no where near a metro-sexual. He wears big t-shirts, has a car but drives his new ‘toy’ all the time (a motorcycle, but not a big heavy one like a Harley or a BMW, it’s one of those high ones that can race), he’s always in a baseball cap, and he is a total caffeine junkie!

So, the Lion was coloring my roots, and being bored with having to wait for it to take, he whips out a gossip magazine, and tells me he wants to “Fergie-ize” me. Fergie has new highlights which come from underneath or something.. I don’t know, I just couldn’t bare to watch him pacing like a caged animal after making himself like 4 double espressos, so I told him to have at it.

As he was “highlighting me from underneath,” the magazine was still on the table within’ eyes reach and he commented on one of the ‘too skinny’ actresses, who used to look great but now, after a breakup.. not so great, rather unhealthy in fact. So, I won’t mention her name, I’ll just send positive thoughts that she will overcome whatever is causing this unfortunate weight loss.

Lion just came out and said it, “If you girls want to get a man, you’ve got to get your curve on.”

Huh? Did he mean “get your swerve on?” a term I learned from the movie Hustle and Flow, and therefore thought it was something perverted.  He continued…

“I have a theory that any guy who is attracted to a girl who has no hips or butt is a closet homosexual. I mean why else would he want his girlfriend to look like a 13 year old boy?” He made a good and interesting point, so I didn’t interrupt…

“It’s in a man’s DNA that we are attracted to women with hips and curves because it signifies good breeding material. It is natural for a man to want a woman who can breed. And let’s face it, a real man wants something he can grab onto!” Then he busted out something he read in some news source that didn’t have the Prince of England or The Bachelorette on the cover…

“Woman who are focused on their career are changing the physiology of the whole gender. These woman are all torso, there’s no hips, no butt, just a long torso. This is not attractive to a guy. I understand that women want to be successful in business, but it doesn’t mean they have to look like a guy physically.”

He talked about his successful female clients who complain about how work keeps them too busy to find a man or how men are too intimidated by them.

“Show some boobs and ass and a guy won’t be intimidated by you! Eat a sandwich to put some meat on those hips and guy won’t care how late you’re working, he’ll wait up to grab hold of ’em.”

Could this be the answer to all of our body concerns? The realization that men don’t care if we are a size 2 and in fact prefer that we’re not, and if they don’t we can know that it’s not us, it’s their deep seeded, latent homosexuality? I feel so free! I’m going to eat a steak and NOT cut off the fatty part that tastes the best! The next time one of my girlfriends sees me eating a gluten free pizza and tells me that cheese is going to go right to my hips, I’m going to yell, “Yes, I’m gettin’ laid tonight!” Well, actually I’ll yell it, but I won’t mean it as, 1. I don’t have meaningless one night stands even if I’m feeling orgasmic from gluten free pizza which I only get to eat every other month when I’m in L.A. and 2. Because I am attracting my soulmate at the moment and therefore wouldn’t want to miss him because I was in bed with some young hottie, who was grabbing my lovely lady lumps… Yikes! I think these highlights are making me channel Fergie.

The moral of the story, Ladies, is you can all rest easy and eat a pancake, with syrup. In fact you can eat ANYTHING Paula Dean makes, because this obsession with being a size 0 is not only unhealthy, it is unattractive to the heterosexual male species which you are trying to attract.

So… love yourself, love your body, and you will find love.

Thanks Lion!

©2011

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It’s Not Hard To Get Them Off…

Posted on June 9, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Did I just say that REALLY loudly in the middle of a hotel lobby filled with men? Sister has been constantly telling me that I need to lower my voice, lately. Is my hearing going? I didn’t mean to say it SO LOUDLY and it’s not what it sounds like…. I swear it’s not!

After an amazing and intense day in the Queen’s Court, I was walking through the hotel lobby, with Sexy Wife on my way to the parking lot, when I couldn’t bear the thought of walking all the way to the parking lot in my 4″ heels. I told her I had to sit down for a minute to change my shoes. She asked if I wanted her to wait for me so we could walk together. I said, “Sure it will just take a sec,” and then my voice got really loud as I continued, “It’s not hard to get them off.” There was a moment of awkwardness as we both realized… that was a weird thing to yell in a room full of guys, but then we just laughed. After two years of friendship and working together, I don’t think anything that comes out of my mouth, especially in public, surprises her.

But I didn’t stop there… I came home to change for a speaking engagement, and was drawn to the large photo of my dog that my mom had blown up for me. Having large dogs means… large lips. My mastiff had lips that were like a human’s and I used to love to kiss her… I know weird unless you’re a weird dog lover like me. Anyway… I was looking at her giant photo, with her life-sized head, and I looked at her lips, and said, “I miss kissing those lips.”

One of Sister’s neighbors walked by the window at the same time, and yelled in, “you’re either desperate or long distance.” I looked out at the snooping guy and said, “Wrong on both accounts. I miss my dead dog.” That shut him up… but I felt badly as he walked away, so I yelled after him, “Actually, I ‘m desperate.” He didn’t look back. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t trying to kiss him, just wanted to make him feel better for my mean but true comment.

I do miss kissing though. I think I need a new glossary word for meaningless make out sessions. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not going to meaninglessly make out with someone.. but it’s fun to think about when I’m deliriously tired, have no prospects, and just watched Glee On Demand. That blond kid gets teased for his lips, but they are ripe for a make out, and I can say that because he’s not a high school student, he just plays one on tv.

Okay, I’d better go get back on the wagon and read my Soulmate journal before I fall asleep. My soulmate has really kissable lips too. He’s also wearing a thick off-white turtle neck. He’s so J. Crew… and on that note, it’s time to fall asleep…

©2011

 

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Highlights From The Queen’s Court

Posted on June 7, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Yes, it’s that time of year when the Queen gathers her loyal followers in her court AKA a shmancy hotel, for an exciting business retreat filled with fun, networking, business tools, and… porn.

NOT the kind of porn you’re thinking of, my kind of porn.. which consists of this…

As you know, we ladies of the court all have various diets, which are taken very seriously by the Queen, so when we come to the event we are given lunch tickets with various letters on them to be placed in front of our fine china AKA hotel plates, so we can be served our appropriate lunch. My card says GF. Healer’s hubby wanted to know if that stood for ‘girlfriend,’ he thought he was pretty cute putting on an accent and all, to really hit the ‘girlfriend’ (it’s times like this when I realize this needs to be a podcast). I didn’t want to counter his teasing of my card by pointing out his wife had a big V on her card, which I could have asked him if it stood for Vajooge, but I thought better of it.

But that was not the porn part. The porn part is that I didn’t get a card that said SF or CF (sugar free or caffeine free) so when I arrived at my table, although lunch had NOT YET STARTED… there was a giant double stacked chocolate cookie/brownie thing with powdered sugar on it. I started to hear the music “bowm chicka bowm bowm…” Healer’s Hubby decided he was going to eat his RIGHT NEXT TO ME… the nerve. How dare he eat that soft, fudgy cookie stack with the raspberry plate drizzle right in front of my face.  But then it happened, he took his first bite, I watched with anticipation… and then the sound, “mmmmmm.” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye, a bit uncomfortable as I’d moved my seat to practically on his lap, and I may have been slightly drooling. “Sorry,” I told him, “But this is like porn for me. Eat another bite.” Healer was very amused and very encouraging, and Healer’s Hubby (who is not a ham at all- sarcastic) put on a show. In the end, as I stared at the few remaining crumbs on the plate.. I wished for a bubble gum cigarette.. and then realized I couldn’t even smoke that because it’s made of sugar.

I got to the Queen’s court early because I was meeting Sassy Skirt, (she doesn’t know this, but with all the time we spent together, every time she walked away, whomever she was talking to would turn to the girl next to her and comment, “I love her skirt!”) So, she will be known as Sassy Skirt until an occasion arises that she gets renamed something juicy (mwhahhh mwhahahah). Sassy Skirt didn’t get her Starbucks this morning because she got locked out of her room, and had to deal with ‘key issues’. Don’t you just hate it when you go to a hotel, and you put your key card in the door and it keeps turning red? You put it in slowly, then quickly then reeeeealy slowly, and then face the fact that you got a faulty key card.

Sassy Skirt travels in style so she took me up to the Concierge Floor so we could get tea and such… and such was all gluten stuff, so I just had tea. But when we arrived to the suite, her key wasn’t working. Someone opened the door and we walked right in. Hmmmm this gives me an idea for crashing Concierge suites in the future. I’m just going to pretend my key card was demagnetized and go in and drink tea.

Later that night, some of the gals where hanging out laughing and being girlie girls, when Sassy Skirt decided to check out this blog, and share it with all the girls in the lounge. Power Princess (also a temporary name) was soooo excited about one of the blog entries that she decided to immediately Tweet it… suddenly realizing it was on Sassy Skirt’s computer. This caused temporary heart failure for everyone as Sassy Skirt, tried desperately to get to Twitter and delete the post. Sassy Skirt’s professional followers would not have been understanding of the “Is Anybody Having Sex Anymore?” post.

I asked the Queen if there was going to be Country Karaoke at Shine in Dallas, and she said no, but then dared me to do a video of Hillbilly Bone… a dare… I take dares very seriously. I just might have to get my Karaoke on…

©2011

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My VIP Day With Soulmate Guru

Posted on June 4, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Oh Ladies, OH Ladies, OH LADIES! Yesterday, was heavenly. You may remember Soulmate Guru from previous entries. Well yesterday, I did a VIP day with her. That consists of 6 hours of blissful, focused work on creating a shift in myself to be open to meeting my soulmate.

Unfortunately,  I can’t reveal what went on during the 6 hours, because 1. it is her trademarked material and 2. she personalizes it for each client, so you may get something different, and I wouldn’t want you to be pulled out of your experience because you’re waiting for something I got.

I can tell you, there was lots of pink things… and I LOVE pink. For example, the folder my paperwork came in was a cool pink pattern, and she gave me a choice of journals, and I picked a pink flowered one, she also gave me a book, which had pink writing on the cover, and I can’t wait to read it! There’s even a book endorsement by the Queen (see Cast of Characters) which means she’s done some of this work.

Besides pink stuff, there was nature, yoga (again, I don’t know that you’ll get yoga, it could have been designed just for me because I love yoga), and tears. Only surprisingly, not the tears I was expecting. They were tears of joy. I can’t tell you why, but isn’t it inspiring to know that I cried tears of joy?

When the 6 hours were over, I had to change gears and go to work, moderating a panel of 3 successful men for a group of what looked like well over 100 men. After the panel I walked around the Expo which was filled with hundreds of men. I started getting the strangest compliments, things you usually hear from girls not guys. Things like, “You are glowing,” (and not in a pregnant way) and variations of that compliment all including the word glowing. One guy, whom I haven’t seen in years, told me that I never age. He was a bit suspicious, like I was a vampire or something. There was absolutely no Botox insinuation, as I have very expressive forehead lines, and being that I’ve earned every one of my smile lines, I’m not having rat poison injected into my face to remove them. He told me it must be because I’m happy. I told him it was because I made a deal with the Devil. Soulmate Guru also does a VIP day on flirting, I may have to consider that, because I think the word Devil freaked him out, as he walked away after that comment. Ooops. Well, no loss, he’s not who I journaled about.

Theeeeeen, I walked into the wrong building and right into the first man I dated in Los Angeles.  I hadn’t seen him in about ten years, and he looked great.
And by man, I mean Man, not the young boys I was messin’ around with when I first moved out here. He is about ten years older than me, and was the Cinematographer on a commercial I was acting in. He asked me to lunch to tell him about the union I was working for. Naively, I thought he actually wanted to talk about the union I work for. So I brought pamphlets, and a hat. He got a good laugh out of that. Unfortunately his job constantly took him all over the world since he’s one of the top commercial DPs, so we didn’t get to spend much time together, which is why we grew apart. Now he wants to take me out to lunch, or dinner, or anything I can squeeze in while I’m here. I think he’s going to have to wait for my next trip because I’ve got pretty much every minute accounted for.

I even hugged my old boss… that’s how I knew something had shifted. Not having the desire to kick his balls into the space that should occupy his brain, is a huge shift.

Which brings up something interesting. When I was about to start this work with Soulmate Guru, I was worried that I would shift and have nothing to write about, because I’d be this transformed normal girl. The good news is, I still get to be crazy and write about kicking my old boss’ balls into the space where a brain should be, and then, when I’m done, with my entry, I just let the universe know that this blog is for entertainment purposes only, and that I truly want to find my soulmate.

Which is a good thing… because I don’t know who my soulmate is yet, so I can’t picture him in my brian, which means on those days when I’m feeling rowdy, like this morning, after spending yesterday in a sea of hot guys.. not soulmate material but definitely somethin’ somethin’ material… I need to picture “non-soulmate material.” And that’s okay… in fact, I may even go so far as to slip up outside of my fantasy world, and that’s okay too.. because it makes for good entertainment value for you. And Universe, despite my potential slip ups, I am (hold on I have to come up with an “ing” word) allowing my soulmate in.

Word!

©2011

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