romanticcomedygirl

I never knew this was a saying amongst guys, but apparently it is. It was like a slap in the face the first time I heard it 4 years ago. I got to thinking about it tonight because I had kind of a bad day. I woke up to the horrible news of the earthquake in Japan, and the tsunami warnings in CA, which had me glued to the TV for 3 hours (and not eating breakfast) then I went out to eat, but the restaurant wasn’t really gluten-free friendly so I had a protein-less lunch. By the time I got home I was unrelentlessly tired and slept for two hours but not before feeling so mopey, that for the first time in months I gave into temptation and ate a chocolate coconut cup that my gluten free baking cousin sent me and I never touched… until today. I tried to savour how delicious it was because I wasn’t supposed to be eating it, so since I was I should enjoy it, but I was overridden with guilt. It should have made my heart race and kept me up for 2 days. Instead, I got a headache and fell asleep. When I awoke I still felt tired and crappy. FWB wanted me to come over but I couldn’t motivate. I decided to watch The Blindside instead. Which got me thinking of being blindsided. Which is how I kind of feel with FWB. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend… not to say that I have one, but I wasn’t looking for someone who got my jokes, and did thoughtful things for me, and distracted me from doing my work and confused me about where I live and why and I certainly wasn’t looking to miss someone whom I haven’t seen in 24 hours. And NO I’m not ready to meet his two little girls even though he really wants me to and promises to introduce me as his friend.

I feel blind sided. It got me thinking about the single Superfriends, and how they each have their own fears about letting men in.  I’m totally afraid to let FWB in. There are already 3 things I know about him that are fine for now but I would want to change if I were in a relationship with him. And that’s not fair. You can’t change things about a person when you “bought them that way”.

I spent 7 years trying to change someone because I wasn’t in love with who he was, I was in love with who I thought he could be… but you know what? I have no idea who someone can be. I only know who they are. And FWB has some habits that knowing myself I could NOT accept. Normally I would reach for a tarot deck to guide me. Picking a card to help me make a decision. But after my biggest life’s mistake, I can’t do that again. That mistake being Shady. So here’s the real reason I stayed with him for 7 years:

When First Love and I broke up, I didn’t date anyone for 2 years. Finally, after moving across the country where I only knew two people from home, I decided, NOW I would finally focus on my career and have a boy-toy. That mentality stuck for 10 years. I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t over First Love, so I couldn’t date anyone. So I threw myself into my work, and once every year or two I’d find myself a boy-toy for a little while.

Then one night, Sister and I met her best friend from childhood, out for dinner because she was in town. With her, came her roommate from college (who I could not stand), her roommate’s friends (who talked about money and diamonds all night, so clearly she was NOT up my alley), and a 40ish woman who looked like a wild gypsy, with long curly black hair, a lot of make up and an Italian accent. I barely said a word during the meal. Sister could barely get a word in, and then finally Diamond Mouth, informs us that her gypsy friend is a palm reader, who acquired her gift the night her grandmother passed (her grandmother had been a famous palm reader in Italy). To make a long story short, I’ll just say that when she read the palms of my sister’s friend and her roommate, I was not impressed. I could have said the same things after 5 minutes at a table with them. She nailed my sister, but I rolled my eyes when she got to me, because all she was talking about was love and what was in these girls’ futures regarding love. I didn’t want to hear about love. I was focused on my career… which is why it was a bit of a jolt when she looked at my palm and exclaimed, “I see all you do is work!”

Now I had no callouses on my hand so it wasn’t like my hands were giving anything away. I hadn’t talked so she didn’t know anything about my work pursuits. Then she said something really disturbing, “You can work all you want, love will still find you. You’ll be engaged twice in the next two years. The first love, will be a brotherly love and you’ll wonder if you should break up with him because you care so much about him. You should. Because the second love, you will marry, and you already know him.”

Well! I hadn’t had a boyfriend in over a decade and suddenly I was going to be engaged twice in two years? Fat chance! Again, to keep a long story short.. it kind of happened just like that. I met a great guy who was more like a brother to me, and while there was no ring on my finger he did ask if I would marry him. And then Shady came along, and I already knew him. It was like something out of a romantic comedy. He left a message on my work phone and the last digit of his phone number cut out on his cell phone and of course the number was “9”… so I dialed the number using 1, 2, 3, 4, and on and on until he finally answered on 9. I asked him how he found me and he said, “This new website called Google.” The fact that I was on there was an anomaly of it’s own, considering somehow my name and number at the office was listed for an RSVP that should have gone to someone else, SO CLEARLY the stars were lining up to bring us together!

It was that stupid palm reading that kept me trying to make a relationship work that was so clearly wrong to everyone including me (on a mostly unconscious level). But when 6 years into the sexless relationship with a guy with “potential” whom I was engaged to even though I knew I couldn’t marry him, I heard a guy say, “For every hot girl, there’s a guy who’s tired of sleeping with her,” something broke in me. I felt so sick and sad and angry that this guy whom I thought I loved despite wanting him to be someone he could never be, could not be attracted to me… so angry that there were guys out there who wold want me if they had a chance and he was just letting me go to waste! And even then, I didn’t end it. Even then I held on to the belief that this palm reader knew my destiny and somehow I had to turn Shady into that happily ever after.

Well that didn’t work out. The break-up was a GREAT story, which I’ll share at another time. The bottom line is, I feel vulnerable right now. I didn’t get involved with FWB to be anything more than that. I know it can’t be more than that because it just can’t… and yet, I’m going to sleep feeling unsettled, and blindsided.

©2011

If you ask Sommelier, she can give you all kinds of food suggestions. She can pair a wine and cheese, a wine and meat, a wine and fish, a wine and chicken, a wine and chocolate, a wine and gluten free pasta, a wine and raw food and on and on…

Therefore it is our job, as romantic comedy chicks to not only pair Sommelier with a great wine, but a great man to drink it with… and of course when the drinking is over the evening will just be beginning…

Here’s how I want this to go…If you read the cast of characters, you know Sommelier has the best boobs of the bunch, so, I’d like her to be wearing something showing lots of cleavage. Why? Because, that will attract ‘boob men.’ I think they are pretty self explanatory, no need to add them to the glossary. Now, stick with me gals, we are not trying to find her The One in this post, we are trying to find her the One Who Will Rock Her World! As DJ Super Pilot pointed out to the Superfriends, guys who are overly impressed with themselves, aren’t great in bed. Why? Because, they don’t think they have to try very hard.

Therefore, we want a guy who is good looking, but who doesn’t know it, OR wasn’t always good looking, maybe he was a nerd who got contacts and a good haircut, or lost a lot of weight and still doesn’t get that hot girls are staring at him.  Yes. We also want a guy who sees that she is at a work retreat which means a few things… one being that he has to be smart enough to realize these few things which are:

1. That Sommelier is a strong, confident, female entrepreneur

2. That Sommelier doesn’t need a man to fulfill her, but just for tonight she needs a man to FILL her

3. (most important) That Sommelier is at this retreat with 100 other powerful women, some whom will be getting the details if he delivers the 5-star wine and truffle combo, OR many whom will get the details if he brings cheap wine and stinks up the room with bad cheese. IN OTHER WORDS.. his rep is on the line!

Okay, we’re manifesting here, so Sommelier wants her world rocked, and we all have different definitions of that. For FWB it was seeing me in a cowboy hat and boots.. and that’s it (sorry cowgirl, it was his fantasy, didn’t mean to steal your rap). But for Sommelier, I have a feeling that there should be more passion than fashion, and he must worship her as the goddess that she is.

Here’s what else I want for her: I want him to be a gentleman, I want him to have fresh breath, I want him to have good tongue skills (and not just for tasting wine), I want him to have a creative side so that she gets to experience something she’s never experienced before, I want him to have rugged hands but no callouses, for some strange reason I want him to call her ma’am.. not because she’s old enough to be called that, but because he’s ultra polite and has the utmost respect for her, I want him to have a five-o’clock shadow, I want him to be hung like a small banana (it’s been a while, she doesn’t need to get all stretched out by some guy with a hammer-cock- yes, I said the ‘C’ word)

Here’s what I want from her: I want her to use the ‘C’ word when she’s ready for him… stop blushing Sommelier and have another sip of wine. If you have to practice, just say the alphabet letters + ock over and over until the ‘C’ word gets as easy to say as “bock” “dock” “rock”.. speaking of which, guys like when you combine the ‘C’ word with “rock”.. just sayin’. I also want her to look him in the eyes, I want her to bite her bottom lip when ever he says something even remotely sexy, I want her to brush her fingers over her cleavage when he’s in the middle of an interesting story, this is so no matter how important the topic is to him, he is reminded that nothing is more important than keeping his eye on the prize. I want her to take her panties off halfway through the conversation NOT in front of him, she should excuse herself to the ladies room and do it. This is not for him, he shouldn’t even know about it, she may even choose to slip them back on before taking him back to her room… or better yet going back to his so she can leave when she’s done! This is for her so when she goes back to sit with him, she has a sexy secret, which will make her even more enticing to him, though he won’t be able to put his finger on exactly why she’s suddenly so much sexier.

So that’s it for now. Feel free to chime in on what else we want to manifest for the Goddess of Grapes…

Until next time, in the words of Sommelier…

Cheers!

©2011

He’s very clever in his ‘seduction’. If you’re behind on your blog entries, I’m referring to Friend With Benefits. He’s been doing these thoughtful things like turning up the temperature in his house by 4 degrees so I won’t be cold when I come over, and making sure his fridge is filled with things I like (things I mention in passing that he clearly takes note of), and of course feeding me all of my favorites like steak and salmon. He listens, he implements. But here’s the clever part… if I call him on it, he claims “it’s part of my benefits package.”

Last night, after we went to the gym, he pulled out a packaged toothbrush and put it on the counter. “For when you sleep over.” Uh oh… he knows I don’t “sleep over”. Unless you’re in junior high, friends don’t have sleepovers. He could see what was going through my mind and said, “Well you’ve already broken one of your rules.” Off of my confused expression, “You just showered here.” Did I say I wouldn’t shower at his place? I can’t imagine why I would have. It’s not in my “rule-book.” For one, I’d just been at the gym, so I wasn’t going to get a little ‘somethin’ somethin’ without showering, and secondly, fooling around in the shower is hot, so why would I say that? I think he’s trying to confuse me, jumble my rule book so I’ll slip up.

I admit, having my first friend with benefits, is a bit confusing. The line between boyfriend and boy-toy has always been clearly defined. So this new venture has me on my toes. A boy-toy never leaves the bedroom (or any other room within the house where somethin’ somethin’ is happening). A boyfriend you do fun things with, you cook with, you go out and meet friends, AND there’s an emotional connection. And hence my confusion…

The difference between friends and boyfriends is that friends are for life. Boyfriends always have the potential for break-up. Now, that logically means that you have even more of a sense of safety with getting emotionally attached to a friend, because you don’t have a fear of losing them, potentially. So if one is emotionally attached to a friend and then you add in sex, what’s the line between boyfriend and friend with benefits?

Could it be the toothbrush? Hmmm. I’m pondering. Because I used the toothbrush. DON’T JUDGE ME! He made me salmon for dinner, I had to use the toothbrush! Which means… it’s not the actual use of the toothbrush, but instead, ‘when you use the toothbrush’ which means it’s back to my original theory in that the difference is ‘sleeping over.’ And here’s why…

The other night, he spooned me. Yup he did. He was wrapped so tightly around me it felt great. I could have fallen asleep in his arms… THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A TACTICAL ERROR! Falling asleep in a guy’s arms, creates intimacy. Then you wake up the next morning and what’s the first thing you think of? The toothbrush!!!

DJ Super Pilot, cue 80’s Hairband Winger song “Headed for a Heartbreak”…

One of us is in trouble. I haven’t figured out which yet. I feel like I still have my game plan straight, and I’m sticking to my playbook, and I’m using all the right moves.

He’s got some good moves too, he has home field advantage, and he’s making up ‘plays’ as he goes (and adding them to my ‘benefits package’).

I don’t know. Maybe I made an error using the toothbrush. I should have packed my own, kept the advantage on my side of the court. I think if I do an on-side kick I can recover. Jeez I’m mixing my sports metaphors! I think I lost my train of thought! I could focus on all of the things wrong with him, like the fact that he doesn’t like sports… but he makes up for that by playing guitar… naked. Rats! What I really need to focus on is the fact that I DON’T LIVE HERE…

DJ Super Pilot cue Carrie Underwood’s “This Is My Temporary Home”…

That’s right! I don’t live here… and he does. And so does his family and his two daughters, SO this can never be more than friends with benefits, and if he wants to make that benefits package so fabulous that he becomes the ‘friends with benefits equivalence of  a Lexus Dealership” then so be it! I will eat my chocolate chip cookies, get my nails done and putt on the green! (don’t worry Nutritionist, that was just a metaphor, because Lexus Dealerships bake fresh cookies, but I don’t eat them), And then, like I do when my car is done being serviced… I WILL GO HOME!!! I WILL LEAVE!!!

All I need is this toothbrush…

©2011

Oh, boy… this is a hard one. It really is. Ugh! SOOOO embarrassing! Why am I even telling you? Because it’s total romantic comedy!!! In all it’s pathetic ridonkulousness! Seriously if this was a movie, it would be starring Steve Carrell and Joan Cusack… not me! I’m supposed to be past this. And the tagline of the movie would be “Where do two 40 somethings (not that I’m forty something… I’m not saying that I’m not but I’m not saying that I am… not that anything’s wrong with being forty something…. it’s just that Steve and Joan so clearly are… OKAY I know I’m avoiding the tagline!) … Where do two 40 somethings go to make out when their parents are home?”

Let’s retrace tonight’s steps… it starts out with me having a light dinner before yoga, in Florida, and as a gypsy, when I’m in Florida, I stay with my parents. Why? Because I love them and I treasure the time I get to spend with them. Never did I imagine I’d find someone to have sex with in Florida! Especially someone younger than me. I thought everyone had me beat by two decades. Anyway, so, Friend With Benefits picked me up to take me to yoga, because my car is in California and he wants to have sex with me so he’s willing to take yoga classes to make that happen. He’s taken yoga twice in his life… tonight and last week, when I offered to show him how flexible I am.

Tonight, I decided to put on a real show for him… my tightest and lowest cut black yoga pants, short bra-top with spaghetti straps, and my hair pulled back in a bun to give me that white swan/black swan look, because who’s not into Natalie Portman? It was a really gentle class where we stayed in the same poses for a long time… in other words I got to show off because the moves were easy, and he got to stare at me longer because we held the poses for a long time. I could feel his eyes on me and I couldn’t wait for class to be over so I could go back to his house and let him put me into ‘Happy Baby’. Halfway through class we were doing knee twists on our back with our hands out to the side. I felt his finger tips touch mine and it sent shock waves through me. It may have caused a fire ball but by the time I opened my eyes it had combusted.

Class finally ended (how un-namaste of me), and by the time we made it back to his truck I was sucking his face before he could get his seat belt on. I made out with him so passionately that I almost thought I wasn’t going to make it to his house! And that’s when he told me…

His mom is visiting from up North and she’s staying with him until Sunday.  DJ Super Pilot- cue the Scratch on the Record! I was like mommasaidwhat? mommasaidwho? And he was like, do you still want to come over? UGH! I was so wound up how could I say no, after all, he said his mom was probably already asleep. But as we pulled into his driveway and I looked at the clock which read 9:23, I got a sinking feeling.

Sure enough, we walked in the front door and there was mom watching American Idol. She said it was nice to meet me. I didn’t correct her by telling her she’d met me at least 5 times over 5 summers, because I was too busy making my shift from ‘sex kitten’ to ‘the girl that guys love to bring home to mom’.

When Idol ended, mom said good night and FWB gave me the eye… and I said, take me home. He thought I was kidding, but it was too late. ‘girl that guys love to bring home to mom’ had killed any urge in my body, and there was no way under any circumstances that I was going to even kiss him under the same roof as his mother. IT WAS HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN! We couldn’t fool around because both of our residences had parents in them. HOW FRICKIN EMBARRASSING!!!

So he drove me home, and I did what any teenage girl would do, I made out with him at every red light and got myself all wound up again and made him pull over into the community right before mine, and he backed into a guest spot and I pounced on him……..

Three minutes later a women from the house across the street was standing smoking a cigarette in her driveway. I told him that I thought she was taking down his license plate number and that we’d better go.

Now that I read this, it wouldn’t even make a good romantic comedy because it’s not funny, it’s just sad!

ps His mom is going out with her friends tomorrow night so I’m going to have to do a sneak in sneak out! High School!!!!

©2011