Sex And The City Skewed Men’s Ideas About Women

Posted on May 11, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Gals, have you taken the quiz? You know the one to find out if you’re a Carrie or a Charlotte or a Samantha or a Miranda? Have you taken it more than once? If so, what were your results?

Here’s why I’m bringing this up. Some Scuzzo tried to post a comment on yesterday’s “I’m in heat” entry which made me throw up a little in my mouth, and so I deleted it to spare you all and blocked him from the blog. Now, I’m guessing, that as women, who like me, have ‘cycles’, you’ve probably noticed that certain times of the month you are a little bitchier, certain times of the month there is blood rushing from your vajooge, certain times of the month you are hornier than usual, and certain times of the month you actually feel somewhat normal. Four ‘certain times’ which correspond with four weeks, which make up the month of a woman.

So this Creep, starts spewing out disgusting propositions to me as if I was some whore who was going to write him back and take his money to do those things to him. I’m guessing the reason he needs my services is because he’s too fat to find those parts himself!

In an ode to Carrie Bradshaw’s fictitious column, I ask the question: Can good girls be bad?

The reason I think that Sex and The City skewed men’s ideas about women, is because when you write characters for a show, you have to play up stereotypes so that different voices create an interesting dynamic. Well I have news for you fellas, when Candice wrote that, I’m willing to bet there was a little bit of her in each of those characters. Why? Because I took the quiz, many times, and depending on my cycle, I always turned out to be a different character.

You men think that you can hang with a Carrie, work with a Miranda, sleep with a Samantha, but marry a Charlotte. That’s such crap. You guys just don’t get it. Women are all of those characters mixed into one.  You get the whole package.

Yes, you can hang out on the couch with me watching Adam Sandler films and take me to football games like you would ‘a Carrie’, and you know what else? When you take me home to meet your mom, she’s going to meet ‘Charlotte.’ Then, I’ll excuse myself for a few hours to slip into Type A ‘Miranda’ mode because I run a successful business and it’s at the top of my priority list… but do you think that with all of that, I have to suddenly be some goody-two-shoes in the bedroom or all of the fore mentioned becomes obsolete? HELL TO THE NO! Darlin’ when you get me in the bedroom I’m going to put ‘Samantha’ to shame… I’m pulling out all the stops. You know why? Because there is nothing wrong with being a good girl to the world and a bad girl for you. It doesn’t make me a slut, it doesn’t make me crazy, it doesn’t make me bi-polar. It makes me ‘well-rounded’.

Since when does being a rockstar in the bedroom make you non-marriage material? Are you guys nuts? You should be praying for an all-in-one Sex and the City Girl. Because the alternative is having a one note relationship with your goody goody wife whom you won’t let off her back because you wouldn’t want to disrespect the mother of your children, and then you go out and cheat on her with some dumb stripper you meet in Atlantic City.

Come on fellas, get with the program. Every woman’s got some Samantha in her, and you should be thankful for it, you should encourage her, you should kneel at her feet for it, because if you don’t, she’s going to get B-O-R-E-D with you and wonder what these strange urges she’s getting are when she watches True Blood, and eventually while you’re schtupping the stripper, she causing a racket with her tennis instructor.

Girls, get your freak on! Don’t worry about which character you are, discover each one of them inside you. The fun and silly, the polite and demure, the confident and successful, the vixen and the wild child. Embrace them all. Life’s too sort to try to fit into a mold and please people. You’ve got to be you. Balance the characters anyway you like. Or let your ‘cycles’ determine who you are this day, this hour, this minute. Either way, you can’t lose when you’re being true to yourself. And if that makes me a “bad girl” I believe you missed the point…

©2011

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I Am In Heat… And I’m Not Talking About Humidity!

Posted on May 10, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Gals, today is my day. It’s the one day that is most dangerous to get somethin’ somethin’, and the one day you want it the most. I woke up in this state because I was having “that kinda dream” about the actor from Burn Notice. I don’t even watch the show, but now I want to! Yowza! He was fantastic, by the way, even if it was a dream.

I listened to Buck Cherry’s Crazy Bi*ch a few times and then went through a bunch of facebook pictures of the hot guy I used to have my way with when he was 21. He still looks great. Then I looked over some pictures of a few of the guys who would torment me by seducing me while I was with Shady, knowing damn well I wouldn’t cheat. One was so ballsy he actually said to Shady, right in front of me, “When are you two going to break up, so I can have my shot at this woman?” to which Shady replied he was going to have to wait until he was dead. To which my delicious suitor retorted, “Well then, it’s a good thing I’m so much younger than you because I’m sure to outlive you.” Then he winked at me and walked away. The other guy is Australian so we’re never in the same place. Then to stay on the picture fantasy theme, I replaced my iPhone photo (yes, I took my dogs off for the first time since I got the first iPhone) with the picture of Jake Owen… that’s him up in the left corner. He lives about an hour North of where I am now AND he has a twin brother.. God is good.

But the pictures were only make “the heat” worse. So I went to Yoga.  There is something very sexy about this particular Yoga instructor, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. He’s no Yogi Cupcake (see cast of characters) but, at least he has sex with women.. or he has at least once, because he brought his 4-year-old to class today. So cute!!!! (no ring on his finger though, so I think it’s safe to fantasize about him). You would think that would cool me down.. but it didn’t. He did a side crow from a starting position I’d never tried, and I could not figure it out. After class he helped me. Nothing better than having a yoga instructor put their hands on you.. and I say ‘their’ because I don’t care if the instructor is a he or a she, gay or straight, I just love being adjusted. I love when they press on you and hold it. Now today, I happened to be enjoying it on another level, and at first I didn’t get the pose because he didn’t want to be too forward (he just needs to get to know me better, he can put his hands wherever he wants). You can’t help but fantasize about Yoga instructors. You just know that they can limber you up and then have sex with you in positions you never thought possible.

On the other hand.. he’s Jewish. Now now, don’t get upset, but I’m going to stereotype here. I have dated many Jewish guys in my day, and not one of them has been sexually adventurous. I was once getting undressed and in one fell swoop, pulled my belt from it’s loops and cracked it scaring the hell out of the Jewish guy I was dating. We’d been together for 4 months at that point, and after the belt, he never called me again.. AND I DIDN’T EVEN USE IT ON HIM! Chicken! He was so boring…

I like Italian guys. They love sex. The older ones always take the lead and the younger ones have great instincts, and they are willing to try anything. Another great thing about Italian guys is there is a very good chance that their name is Tony. I’ve been with quite a few Tonys. My top two sex partners of all time were both named Tony (and yes, I looked up both their pictures today. One is very generous and has a ton online.. of course he’s an actor. The other is stingy with only one teeny tiny shot, not helpful for my purposes, and y’all know what I mean). And dating lots of Tonys is a good thing, because I never have to worry about screaming out the wrong name by accident. Maybe I’ll change my online dating profile header to read “Desperately Seeking Tony.”

The other bad thing about my “heat day” is I’m so completely distracted all day. I had a lot of work to do today, and it didn’t get done. I mean look at me, I’m blogging in the afternoon. How many hours until I can go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and this will be over? Maybe I’ll take a walk. “The heat” causes frustration which causes irritability, so when I drive, I blast my bad boys of Country, like Jake Owen, Blake Shelton, Jason Aldean, and Tim McGraw.. ooo that would be another good dating profile headline.. “Looking for a real bad boy who’s a real good man” (that’s Tim McGraw for all you non-country gals) and mess with the snooty soccer moms. They’re the ones who are always driving 20 miles over the speed limit with young kids in the back, yapping on their cell phones (which are not hands free) and balancing a diet coke on their steering wheel. Now normally, I just let these woman go by me and wish them a safe journey for the sake of their kids, BUT when I’m in heat… the brakes get hit. It happened on the way to gym and it happened on the way back. They ride up my ass in their Mercedes SUVs and I slam on the brakes. Then they start yelling at me.. and I turn up my volume and and proceed to drive sloooooooowly… boxing them in, so they can’t get around me, speeding up a little when I see there might be enough room for them to change lanes.. oh no, Princess.. you’re mine until you have to turn off this long road. I love watching their faces turn red as they curse me out while I’m singing Hillbilly Bone at the top of my lungs giving them a slanted smile in my rearview mirror. They think I’m yelling back at them, but I’m just singing, having a good ole time.  Yup… The heat brings out the mean and the hungry in me… Five hours until bed time… Lord have mercy!

©2011

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Monday Morning Coffee Talks With Cowgirl

Posted on May 9, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

We interrupt this dating diet experiment to take a moment to appreciate true friendship. It’s interesting, I got a comment on my blog yesterday by a soulmate coach, she asked if I believed in soulmates. Hello… I’m a romantic comedy girl. There would be no reason to live if there wasn’t a soulmate out there to be the ying to my yang. Although any ex of mine would probably snicker at that comment considering I’ve never put the men in my life first. I guess I’ve always been focused on my other ‘soulmates.’ The sister soulmates. I’ve got this unproven belief that boyfriends are not forever but girlfriends are. While there have been disappointing ‘girlfriend relationships’ in my life, like growing apart from my best friend since childhood, and a very few others along the way, for the most part, the friends who’ve been my closest have stayed close to my heart. I still have one best friend since I was seven, and when I’m with my sorority sisters, it’s like no time has gone by, we just get each other.

And then there are the soulmates, the girlfriends you see from across a room and just know…

The older you get, the easier it is to spot them because you know what you want in a friendship. I think that’s why it was so easy to connect with the Superfriends. Soulmate sisters. Easy to love. Easy to laugh with. Easy to cry with. Easy to be honest with. Easy to hear the truth from, even when you don’t want to hear it. Just easy. Isn’t that how it is with soulmates? I believe so.

Every Monday morning Cowgirl and I talk. We’re in different states but it doesn’t matter. I always know when I hear the hustle and bustle and clanking and banging, that she is at that point in her Monday routine when she is at her local coffee shop getting her coffee. “It’s not a Starbucks, but it’s like one,” she tells me. I feel like I’ve seen her routine a million times in person, yet if you counted the days we’ve physically been in the same state, you’d be shocked at how deeply connected I feel to her.

Every Monday morning we start off with our business check in, a 15 minute call which quickly evolved into an hour minimum because we have to talk about boys and life. Of course now, we start our conversations with boys and life and try to remember to fit business in at the end.

When I picked up the phone today, the first thing out of her mouth was, “I read you online profile.”  I was just about to go into my excuses and how I shouldn’t write late at night, when she told me she loved it. I started cracking up.

“You really think I should use it?” She did. She thought it was honest and funny. I don’t know how funny the guys will find it, but hey I put my sister soulmates first, and if Cowgirl likes my profile, I’m putting it up there. I’ll have to see if DJ Super Pilot chimes in. She usually like to weigh in on this stuff, perhaps post a video in my comment section. Believe me, if there’s a song about a ball-crusher, she’ll find it. And I know Sommelier is just dying to pour a glass of red wine and read the future blogs with all the madness that will ensue so we can text back and forth about the wacky comments guys make online. Psychic, will patiently sit back and wait for destiny to play out, sending me a one-liner to raise my spirit when I need it (that “rejection is God’s protection” was such a good one!). Healer is in her cave creating a ritual for girls like me… it hasn’t been revealed yet, but I know it involves men, women, and love, so Cowgirl and I are definitely curious. And See-er is the gift that keeps giving. She brings out the art in me. Just when I needed it, I found a piece she guided me to make, and it was exactly what I needed to see and be reminded of in that moment.

Yes, tonight I’m feeling grateful for my soulmate sisters. I think of them every time I write an entry, and they are the first ones I reveal it to. Knowing they’re out there gives me more strength than a pharmaceutical (and that’s powerful stuff!) and if I can be as open to finding my male soulmate as I was to finding them, maybe it will get a whole lot easier. Of course I wasn’t looking for them… so maybe I should stop looking for my soulmate….

Naaaaaaaah! How boring would this blog be, then? I’d be writing about my love for folding warm laundry and complaining constantly that I can’t have chocolate.

Nope, I’m going to be thankful that the Superfriends came to me so easily and continue to entertain them with the craziness that is my quest for happily ever after.

I love you Cowgirl. I love you DJ Super Pilot. I love you Sommelier. I love you Psychic. I love you Healer. I love you See-er. And now I will obsessive compulsively re-read that line 53 times to be sure that all six are in there thinking I’m missing one because there are 7 Superfriends… Alright, no more mushy stuff for a while. Tomorrow I’l blog about how to convince a good boy he can smack your ass with his belt and you’ll enjoy it. Yes, there are actual steps to easing him into the process…

Until next Monday morning… yeehaw, Cowgirl!

©2011

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Thinking Of A Reason To Call First Love So Instead I’ll Write My Online Profile…

Posted on May 8, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I’ve really gotta stop listening to Lips of An Angel… I mean right now… I need to press stop in iTunes…

Forget it, I’m not going to hit stop because his raspy voice just fills my body with the overwhelming ache of camaraderie, he feels my pain I just know it. According to Wikipedia (yes, I need a major distraction here because I’m 2 seconds away from emailing FL, so I’m researching power ballads on Wiki!) “The song concludes just as it began, with the singer questioning to why she is calling so late, though the second (and last) time it is less literal and more figurative, with the underlying meaning “so late” not at night, but way too late in life; unable to continue the previous relationship. The song ends with the plot unresolved. According to a radio interview done in Atlanta, Georgia the lyrics are loosely based on an actual phone call incident that did happen.”

See? An actual phone call incident. Hinder does feel my pain! It’s 1:39am… can you imagine if I called him right now?! I’d be in deep sh*t… he’d probably have to pay $5/month to AT&T to block my number like I had to do when I broke up with Shady and he wouldn’t stop calling me. Of course I wouldn’t call him this late.. I wouldn’t call him at all. It’s just that an associate of mine needed help turning a radio interview into an eBook, and I bang those things out like Geckos in Florida (for those of you who haven’t been to Florida, on an average walk, you see a lizard or gecko every 3.2 seconds) so I bang ’em out pretty fast.

Of course when I volunteered to help, I didn’t know the book was going to be about soulmates. ARGH! Between her interview and Dating Guru’s First Love comment the other day, I can’t get him off my brain. Hold on the song stopped I have to hit play again…

Sing it to me Hinder… anyway, the soulmate question has me all jammed up! Do you only get one true love? If they are your soulmate are you destined to find each other again? And if so, are all the rest of these guys in between just a waste of my time? WILL ANYONE EVER MEASURE UP TO HIM?!?!?! Have I romanticized him or are these feelings truly deeply rooted in my heart?

FACT: My heart actually hurts when I think about him

FACT: I can’t be with him

FACT: I have had no F’in idea how to move on for the past 19 years and have had crap relationships or long bouts of no relationships up until now because of it.  SUB-FACT: I have learned nothing new about how to move on from him so why the heck am I going to bother putting myself out there yet again?

FACT: I said I was going to put my online profile up for your feedback and I’m obsessed with accountability so I must… but first…

FACT: The song just ended and I have to hit play again.

Uh… love his voice!!! Okay so let’s start with my headline…

I’m guessing “Not over my first love but willing to settle for second best” is not an ideal headline? But I thought I’m supposed to be honest in my profile. Actually, that may be a good “weeder-outer.” Since, all men are destined to be second best, I may as well find out who can live with that. Let’s go with it.

USER NAME: CrushedHeart “Not over my first love but willing to settle for second best”

INTENT: CrushedHeart is actively seeking a relationship

RELATIONSHIP HISTORY: The longest relationship CrushedHeart has been in was over 7 years long.  (should I add “with a pathological liar?)

SEEKING A: Man DO YOU DRINK: No MARITAL STATUS: Single (why? are there married people looking for dates on this site? What the heck am I getting myself into?) PROFESSION: Bounty Hunter (I want a guy with a sense of humor!) EDUCATION: What’s the difference, I’m a woman so I’m always right. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN: Yes, yours… I mean the ones you come with. In other words, I don’t want to have any, but I want some, so if you don’t have kids do not contact me (I should probably bold that or write it 12 times so they get it) DO YOU DO DRUGS: no (Do I need drugs? Probably) DO YOU HAVE A CAR: yeee….. (that’s a weird question. On the one hand, why does it matter? I also have a Yoga Mat and a fabulous mattress, and laptop computer… on the other hand, I wouldn’t date a guy who didn’t have a car…) Yes.

ABOUT ME: (here we go girls, hold on to your Prada bags and your Gucci glasses ’cause we’re about to go on a ride!) I was told to be honest on my profile, so here goes… I am being forced to be on here. It is not my choice, and I’ll tell you why. I’ve tried this once before for 3 days, and the thousands of men who responded to me, did not respect me enough to read my profile, and therefore, I wound up sorting through a mass of men who did not match the criteria that I painstakingly took the time to write. If you write that you want a women who wants to have children, I don’t care if you look like People Magazine’s Sexiest Man on the Planet, I would respect you enough to not write to you. So give me the same respect, as I get down off of my soapbox to tell you what I AM looking for:

I am looking for a guy who is between the ages of 40 and 50. Not 62, certainly not 28. I don’t care if your birthday was yesterday and you turned 51… I’m not interested.  I love television, that doesn’t mean you have to, it just means, that you have to be okay with me watching what I want when I want. I love seeing movies at a theater, which means if you don’t like leaving the house, don’t write to me! I want a man who makes in the high six figures- minimum! Not because I need or care about the money, it’s because I want the kind of man who has the mindset and the drive to create that kind of wealth. Because with that mindset and wealth, even if he lost everything, he knows he can pick himself up and do it again. And a man with that kind of mindset, lives the big picture. I do not want a guy who can dream up a big picture- been there done that! Again, I want a guy who’s living his big picture. Here are some personality traits I’m looking for and you must have ALL of them if you write to me: confident, honest, funny (in your defense I know you can’t be sure if I will find you funny, though a good test is if you like: Anchorman, The Hangover, Office Space, Modern Family, Joel Mchale, and people tend to laugh when you’re attempting to be funny), romantic, thoughtful, playful, affectionate, faithful, communicative, creative, uplifting (in other words, enjoyable to be around, you’re entitled to have off days, we all do, but Donnie Downers need not apply) smart, kind, generous, a family man (it would be great to meet a guy who has a good relationship with the mother of his children), philanthropic, likes to cook or willing to hire someone who will, neat/clean or willing to hire someone to live in who will clean up after you. Must love dogs and be willing to take medicine if you’re allergic to them, like I do. That’s enough for one profile.

Here are some bonuses but not deal breakers: you’re semi-adventurous (because I am not, but would like to be brought out of my shell… in this case, patience would be a necessary trait) which means I want to go camping, but in a camper.. at least the first few times until I get used to it. I want to try hot-air ballooning, not traveling to the Middle East. You have a mobile business, like me, so we can travel together and not have to ask for vacation days. You like, or are willing to suffer through romantic comedies. You like sports (and while liking the Boston Red Sox or the Philadelphia Eagles, is a potential problem, as long as you are not nasty about it, we can make it work, but no matter how hard in love with you I fall, I won’t wear one of their t-shirts). If you play the guitar that would be awesome… even more awesome? If you can sing!

Appearance. If this were a casting call, I’m looking for a typical leading man, so if you are a “character” type, do not write to me. Yes, looks matter, because I have to be attracted to you, and no, you will not grow on me. I am physically fit, so I want a guy who cares about his body. You don’t have to have “back abs” like The Situation (by the way if you have to Google The Situation because you don’t know who he is, that’s a big bonus, I’m only sorry that I do), but you must care enough about your body to want me to think you’re freakin’ sexy and be distracted from work because I’m thinking about having my way with you. Which leads to.. (and I know this is risky to write because it may be an invitation to guys who do not fit my criteria, but resist.. resist!) I want a guy who likes to fool around. I know people work hard and they get tired, but you know what I’ve discovered? When I’m with a guy whom I’m attracted to and I’m tired, and he starts getting frisky, I wake up quickly. Where there’s a will there’s a way, and the will must be there.

I suppose I should get to the “About Me” part now, since that’s what this section is titled. I have worked in entertainment for 20 years, I love it. I’m a speaker, a published author, and yes, you may have seen me in something and it was probably the Dog Whisperer. For as demanding as I appear, I am that demanding on myself to make the man I’m with happy. I love my family and they are a major priority in my life. I have designed my career so I can have the freedom to be with them. I love Virgin Airlines, anything with an i before it (iPhone, iMac, iPod, iPad), big dogs, the beach, being on the water (in a boat), going to football and hockey games, seeing good live music, (btw, I like country music, 80’s hairbands, James Taylor, and 70s classic rock) yoga, chick lit books, anything outdoors that’s scenic but not cold, Hawaii, anything with dual climate control; cars, electric blankets, mattresses. I love to karaoke, but I don’t have a great voice, so I only sing male rockstar songs, so there are no expectations of me being good. I like to obey most laws, including ‘no  jaywalking’. I like to walk by bakeries and burst into tears, it freaks people out, but I can’t eat sugar or chocolate, so if I have to suffer, they can feel sorry for me. I’m a writer so anything you say becomes public domain, although I would never write anything that could harm your life, like reveal that you’re in AA or have a form of incurable VD.  I’m great with kids, animals, and programing DVRs. I’m handy, but willing to step aside for a guy who likes to build stuff and set up electronics. I love spas, but if you don’t I can go with my girlfriends.

And if you’ve actually read this far in my pontificating profile, I imagine that you’re reasonable enough to deduct that because I know what I want, and you’re still reading, (so you must be fitting the description) that ultimately we are both searching for the same thing, the perfect fit so we can both get off this time sucking site!

So what do you think ladies? Am I gonna catch a good one on Plenty Of Fish? Or sit in a big pond with a small rod for a long time with no bites?

“It’s really good to hear your voice, saying my name is sounds so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel, hearing those words it makes me weak…”

©2011

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Dating Guru Diet Day 4… Getting Creative

Posted on May 8, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I’ve decided to leave my Type-A Overachiever Attitude out of my dating life. If I didn’t I’d be beating myself up for being on day 4 and still not past step 3. Get Out. Because I had such a lame “Get Out” on the day I as supposed to do it, I’ve made a conscious effort the last two days. The obstacle has been getting from step 3. Get Out to step 4. Speak to Strangers. I’ll elaborate on that, though first, I want to get past Step 3. so here goes:

I’ve put some thought into this.. a strategy if you will, so yesterday I went to 3 places:

1. I chose a place where I would like to go and would therefore thought if I met a guy there, we would like to do similar things. It was a 100-acre Japanese Garden and Museum. The gardens were beautiful. I spent two and a half hours walking around and sitting on benches, overlooking ponds of giant koi fish and turtles. I summoned some breathtaking orange and black birds to sit by me and join in my meditation. I even attracted a bunny. I tend to attract bunnies, not as often as hummingbirds, but enough that I notice. Well, I learned two things at the Japanese gardens: 1. Only guys who get dragged there by their girlfriend or are gay, go to Japanese gardens and 2. Furisodes are the most important kimono for a young unmarried woman. Furisode means swinging sleeves, and the more vibrant the colors, the better to attract potential suitors. The longer the sleeve the younger the woman. So basically the Japanese can walk around in a Kimono and depending on the style, color, and length of the sleeves, a guy can tell they are available, their age group, and that they’re good to go.

2. The second place I went was a nice restaurant that reminded me of dining in Napa Valley. The food was delicious, but when I went to hang out in the bar after, I saw IC’s mom. Remember that sinking feeling I DIDN’T feel when I saw Shady? Well I got it when I saw IC’s mom, so I headed out of there so it wouldn’t be awkward and headed to…

3. “The Avenue” which is blocks and blocks of restaurants and stores that are packed with people of all ages hanging out, listening to live music, drinking, being merry… and in the case last night, NOT being my type.

Today I took a more practical approach. Dating Guru has not yet told me to make a list of what I want in a guy, so I’m not sure if that is an assignment, (but as I said in a previous entry, if it is, I will post it here) but if I were to make a list, one thing that would definitely be on it is: Handy.. not Magruber handy.. Macgyver handy. So today I went to… not one.. not two.. but THREE different Home Depots.

Here’s why transitioning from step 3. Get Out to step 4. Speak to Strangers has eluded me. You see, I speak to strangers ALL THE TIME. I have no problem striking up a conversation with someone in an elevator, on line at the grocery store, sitting next to me in a movie theater- anywhere. I could probably start up an interesting conversation with an inmate in a prison. Literally I can talk to people who don’t speak English, and we make it work. The problem is, Step 4 has an underlying agenda. The purpose of speaking to a stranger, is to see if he is potential dating material. There was not one stranger whom I wanted to start a conversation with. I was not attracted to one guy in any of the places I’ve been in the past two days, except one of the gay guys at the Japanese Garden, but clearly when I struck up the conversation about the Bonsai Tree, he humored me, but had no intention of switching teams. And once again, my childhood Poo-ge Envy rears it’s ugly head.

I’m going to have to skip Step 4 and here’s why.. and Dating Guru, correct me if I’m wrong, because I have no trouble starting up a conversation with a stranger, I don’t feel I need practice in this area. I feel very much at ease breaking the ice with a guy I’m attracted to. The challenge is finding a guy I’m attracted to. So, it appears I’m on to Step 5. Join an Online Dating Website (and for those of you reading this blog for the first time, you can read about the steps at Love and Life Blog).

It looks like my next blog entry will be my online profile for your feedback. Did I mention 67 times that I’m NOT looking forward to Step 5? Well just incase, here’s #68: I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO INTERNET DATING!!!

©2011

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Day 3 A Bust, So I Hijacked Sister’s Dating Site Account

Posted on May 6, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

It’s day 3 of my Dating Guru Diet. Today’s assignment: Get Out! This is very appropriate for someone like me, who has been known to spend days without leaving the house except to walk the dog.

I have to admit. This was not the ideal day for this challenge and I promise to double my efforts tomorrow. I was up really late last night and then woke up early. The lack of sleep made me feel lethargic until noon when I fell asleep again until 4pm. So basically I “got out” twice today… to walk my dog. Location is everything. Being out with the dog, I only got to see the gardeners, the guy at the gate (who already tried to caress my hands when I brought him a plate of food during our neighborhood pool party), and a couple of guys in cars.

Because that was uneventful, and wouldn’t make a good blog post, I had to do something drastic… so I did. Sister is out on a date with a guy she met on ‘Plenty of Fish’ so I figured it was a good time to hijack her account and go fishing for some good headlines, since Sommelier had a bunch of funny ones in the comment section a few days ago.

All of a sudden something called Userplane AV Webmaster popped up and a guy called TheIdealPrince was chatting me up… At first I was going to get on his case for being 27 and trying to talk to my sister, but instead, I decided to be honest and the conversation went like this:

TheIdealPrince: heyy (that’s how he spelled it)

Me: I’m not her, I’m her sister doing research. Sorry.

TheIdealPrince: Oh, I’m sorry.

Me: No problem. How’s this site?

TheIdealPrince: I am always on call so it’s always on in the background. I don’t utilize it much. The girls are smart, diverse in background, not something you find in bars and clubs. (I’m sure at this point he was hoping I’d ask if he was a doctor, but I decided to assume that he was the assistant to some abusive producer who keeps him ‘on call’ since he lives in Burbank… and for someone who doesn’t utilize it much he sure knew a lot about the girls.)

Me: I’m in the South East so I’m a little scared of the “fish pond” in these parts.

TheIdealPrince: lots of crocodiles

Me: and manatees- gentle and harmless, but a little slow upstairs.

TheIdealPrince: Really? Never seen one.

Me: they look like a cross between a walrus and a whale, but I was using it as a metaphor (which I’d assumed he was doing with the crocodile comment, but apparently my whole “Plenty of Fish/fishing in the fish pond” went right over his head and he was truly concerned with my safety because of the swamp crocs. He then proceeded to Google manatees and try to get into a discussion about them, I had to change that subject quickly so…)

Me: My sister is out on a date with a guy she met on this site, so I figured it was a good time to hijack her account.

TheIdealPrince: How old are you if you don’t mind me asking

Me: I’m too old for you, but are you having any luck meeting people online? I have to put a profile up in 3 days according to my Dating Guru.

TheIdealPrince: I haven’t put in crazy effort. It’s so picture driven. There is no personality factor.

Me: You should try the site where you have to fill out 15 pages on yourself and you don’t get to see a picture until you’ve had 5 conversations.

TheIdealPrince: 15 pages? Can I just upload my personal statement from college?

Me: I should send in my Psychology Thesis on how people drive according to their personality. Then they’d get some good insight to my personality!

TheIdealPrince: LOL! It’s become quite difficult to meet people now.

Me: Tell me about it. I’ve been dating “Mac” he’s my laptop. Unfortunately he doesn’t cook. (There I go again, telling a guy that I’m dating my laptop. I am so corny, I really shouldn’t online date. But then again, I’ve thrown out the ‘dating my laptop’, my ‘weird psych thesis paper’ (which wasn’t an actual thesis, more like a final exam for a psych class), AND that I have a ‘dating guru’, and this guy’s still chatting with me)

TheIdealPrince: I’ll cook for you. (and now offering to cook for me)

Me: What’s your specialty dish?

TheIdealPrince: I cook any pasta.

Me: Gluten free pasta?

TheIdealPrince: Sure I follow recipes precisely

Me: Well you’re a smart guy, who can cook pasta, and is a good conversationalist. You seem like a good catch, so stop wasting your time with me and get back to ‘fishing’ good luck!

TheIdealPrince: But people don’t converse like you on here, so I guess I’ll just throw in the towel. (uh oh, RCG senses a fixer-upper, but can’t help herself!)

Me: I don’t think so. You don’t strike me as a quitter.

TheIdealPrince: haha damn your psych kicking in! (and he’s fixed. Phew!)

Me: That’s how I roll. It’s 1am here, so I’m signing off. Have a good weekend.

And I quickly shut down the page. I am dreading day 5 with a capital D! I’m truly terrified! I know I know… successful people feel the fear and act in spite of it, and if I want to be successful in love, I have to take action. Rats! Why can’t I just get a heel caught in a pothole and have a doctor save me from oncoming traffic and then we fall in love? Or can’t some guy holding up a 7eleven become my fairy godfather and send me to an alternate universe where I’m living the life I would have had if First Love and I never broke up? Or maybe I can blog on Ten Ways To Lose A Guy, and instead wind up with the guy I was trying to lose. There has to be a more random way to fall in love than online dating. And don’t think I’m not running my profile by y’all before I put it up! I expect feedback… We’re all in this together now!

©2011

Posted in Chick lit, romantic comedy, Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Day 2 of Dating Guru’s Diet AKA Danger Danger!

Posted on May 5, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

I knew it… I jinxed myself. I figured, I’ve been smiling my whole life. How hard can it be to smile at guys? I do it all the time. But today something was different. Maybe it’s because I was smiling with intention. Today the smile became…… a weapon!!!

The first victim was at the spa. I was sitting in the coed waiting room. There was spa music playing and the sound of the water feature. An especially pleasing scent was emanating from a tiny machine. I was seated in lotus position because I had put my iPhone away before entering the premises. And then a guy walked in. He wasn’t my type by any means, but the point of this exercise is to create good habits that open me up to meeting the right guy. I smiled at him as he sat down. There was a moment of hesitation and then he half smiled back just before reaching for his phone to check emails. Fine he hasn’t read Dating Guru’s blog. I wasn’t giving up that easily. A few minutes later, he stood up to get some spa water, and as he came back toward me, I hit him again, with my smile, this time, I got my whole face into it. I smiled with my eyes, my cheeks, even my forehead got in on the action, all culminating in a grin from ear to ear revealing that my mouth is so large that there was room for my molars to grow in comfortably, and had I been a shark, there would have been plenty of room for additional rows of teeth as well. And there it was, his own personal, heartfelt smile. And he felt it. He felt it so strongly that he walked right into the wooden chair, stubbing his toe, and spilling his water everywhere. To say he was embarrassed is an understatement.  Then fate came to my rescue as I was called for my treatment and he was left to sop up the mess of the water and his bleeding toe. That will teach him to wear open-toed sandals.

Of course, he could just be a clumsy guy, so I was not deterred from my mission. Later in the day I was waiting for an elevator, and not expecting anyone to be inside, I rushed in, almost colliding with a FedEx guy. I quickly apologized for my rudeness (Mom taught me to always allow people to exit an elevator before entering) and as backed up to let him exit and finished my apology I put a button on it with a big glowing smile… and his hand cart, piled high with packages, got stuck in the crack between the elevator and the 3rd floor and the contents tumbled to the ground. Ooops. Luckily they fell out of the elevator so I could get in and leave the scene.

Still hadn’t quite caught on to the “smile effect” and thought I’d give it a whirl in Costco. Great place to pull out a weapon, because there aren’t giant stacks of things to be knocked into, or in the poor high school kid’s case… walked into. At least it wasn’t the artichoke jar display. It was giant bags of dried cranberries. In my defense, he didn’t look like he was in high school… I’m getting too old to judge age. I figured he was at least a college grad, I mean he was in Costco, and you have to have your own Costco Amex card to get in. It was a logical defense, until a shrill voice from behind me said, “Aaron, what did you do?” The shrill voice was Aaron’s mother… she had the Costco Amex card, and he had A LOT of cranberry bags to pick up.

This is serious! I skipped yoga tonight. I didn’t want anyone cracking a spine.  And now I’m worried about 3. Get Out (look where that got me) and 4. Speak to Strangers (If smiling at them is causing this much damage, speaking to them, may darn well kill them!) and 5…. don’t get me started on 5.  I’ve already begun preparing myself and in my research THIS is what I’ve found:


I am very Very VERY frightened of number 5!

©2011

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My First Day On Dating Guru’s Diet

Posted on May 4, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Yay! I’ve never been on a diet before. Don’t hate me because I’m skinny.. the grass is always greener. At 11 I was traumatized when a guy that I’d had a crush on all summer (who just happened to be IC’s older brother… is that twisted? Why? I didn’t know I’d be sleeping with him 25 years later!) came up behind me and put his arms around me. It was 1.2 seconds of pure bliss, until he abruptly pulled away, crying out, “UGh, I feel like I’m putting my arms around myself!” That’s the moment I took up sports determined to put weight on even if it was muscle… Anyway I tangentalize…

I’m taking it slow, starting out with Dating Guru’s blog entry Summer Lovin’ she gives five suggestions, and I’m going to do one, each day for five days (which means number five will be a doozy… sorry you’ve got to read her blog if you want to know why.

Today was number 1. Unplug.

So easy, right? Just unplug. Put down my laptop… or better yet, leave it home and stop introducing it to every guy who tries to start a conversation with me at a coffee shop, as “Mac, my husband.” I think it’s kinda cute, but you’d think after I got the 9th “Ethan Hawke grimace from Reality Bites” that I would have stopped saying it. I didn’t. So today I left the hubby… I mean my laptop at home. No earbuds! Walking around talking on my iPhone.. AKA my son Mac Jr. (Wow, I really do have a problem… no wonder I can’t get a date, I’m just weird!) is anti-social. No one wants to interrupt me when I’m having a conversation with Cowgirl about what she’s ordering at Starbucks and what airport I’m currently lost in.  Dating Guru makes a good point that we are constantly looking down at our technology, and while I’m busy texting Sister about how gross it is that her dog ate another dog’s poo, some hottie can be walking right by me.

So today I took the first step and unplugged. It was HARD!  I’m like a junkie. Went to yoga turned my phone to airplane mode and walked into the gym… first time by the way that I turned it off before making it across the gym to the yoga room. It’s a long walk and I do it deliberately.. so guys won’t talk to me. Um, duh! Thank you Dating Guru for pointing out such a simple thing.. of course, it’s me, so it took a strange turn. Ten seconds after checking in, one of the hot young trainers made his move. Now, before you give me kudos, when I say young, I’m talking I think he’s a college student and this is his part-time job. So not dating material. But I’m practicing, so I went with it.

He asked if he could train me.. like right then and there.. no sign up, no regard for my yoga bag.. his shift was over and he wanted to work out with me. “Um.. I’m going to yoga, but thanks.” The young ones are always persistent.

“I can go to yoga with you,” he offered, “I can do a dog…”

“A downdog or an upward dog?”

“Any dog,” he said, “Give me something tough.” Yup, cockiness overflowing… if only I could warn him that my girlfriends secretly call me the pussifyer, because I turn cocky young boys into pussys. Anyhow, I went along with it…

“Can you do the crow?” I challenged him, knowing with shoulders and biceps that big, it was doubtful that he’d be able to balance on his triceps without falling forward from top heaviness. He didn’t know what it was and asked me to show him. I hadn’t even warmed up yet, but somehow I knew I’d be able to pull it off in the isle between the Cybex and the Hammerstrength equipment. I dropped my yoga bag and assumed the position (see today’s picture) I balanced for as long as I thought I should without totally showing off, and then picked up my bag and continued to walk toward my class.

He didn’t let up. “How about you show me some hip openers.” Dating Guru, does that qualify as ‘a line’? I’m thinking it does, and I sure as heck was not going to drop my bag again and do a Happy Baby for him.

He followed me into class, put a mat down next to me, and tried to do crow. As expected his giant upper body kept tumbling forward. I think he was a bit embarrassed, because he said he was going to change into his workout clothes, and he never returned.

The worst part about it was the second yoga ended I reached into my bag to turn my iPhone back on. Jonzin’!!! I mean who’s calling me at 9 at night? No one! What email can’t wait to be read until I get home? None! Is another text about Sister’s poop eating dog SO important that I couldn’t stay unplugged? Nope!

As punishment, I refused to make or take calls the whole drive home. Instead, I opened my car window, blasted Hillbilly Bone, and nodded to every guy who pulled up alongside me… probably would have been more effective had I not been singing along with Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins at the top of my lungs, ’cause my singing.. not so good.

What’s on the Dating Guru’s Menu for tomorrow as my diet continues? 2. Smile. Well! Anyone who knows me knows THAT should be easy.

Can anyone say, “famous last words?”

©2011

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Loving Lasana!!!

Posted on May 3, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

Okay, Lasana a vivacious dating and relationships expert and television host, called me out on Twitter. And she’s totally right. I asked for a dating expert and then said all the things I refused to do; no lists, no online profile…  y’all know how I get when I’m ranting. How do I expect to attract different men and change who I’m being if I’m already creating rules of all the things I refuse to do? As Lasana said, she understands my frustration, “but internal work must be done.” She spent over a year researching and conducting focus groups with men and women to gain a better understanding of the question “Is The Single, Modern Woman Having A Difficult Time Finding A Husband?” so I should probably listen to her.

She wrote a piece called “If Engaged, Am I Still Single?” for her blog at: http://www.loveandlifeblog.com/ Oh if only I’d known her during the “Shady years” though something tells me she was still in high school then.

Well, you know what? I’m ready for a new fresh and young perspective, and I’m loving Lasana. So, if you are reading Dating Guru (that’s what I’m going to call you, Lasana, because all of my cool chicks get nicknames on the blog (see cast of characters), I welcome your advice, as would all of the gals reading this.

And just for the record, there are at least two other Superfriends with a history of fixer-uppers in their past… so bring it on. What do we do?

If you want me to create a list, I’ll create it and post it here. I’m not scared!!! Well maybe a little..

If you want me to create an online profile… I’ll do it! Oh Lord, did I just put that in writing? Dating Guru, I’m so afraid of internet dating.. I tried it for 3 days, got over 1000 responses, mostly from guys who clearly didn’t read my profile and then got off, because it was like a second job. Sister has had nothing but nightmares with online dating. The one friend I knew who actually got married to someone he met on Match, just had his wife up and leave him when he didn’t even know anything was wrong.

Oh, and while you’re giving out advice, is there an antidote for getting over your First Love from 20 years ago? Other than the drastic measures taken in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Or do I just take spectacular care of myself so I can outlive his wife and be reunited with him at 95 (I picked an old age because I don’t want anything to happen to her until then. I think at 95 she’ll be happy with the life she had.. of course if science makes some kind of life extending break through, I want her to keep living, hopefully by then you’ll have helped me find a great man anyway).

Okay Dating Guru, have at me…

©2011

Posted in Chick lit, romantic comedy, Uncategorized | Tagged | 6 Comments

I’m Calling It… Time of Death 10:37pm

Posted on April 30, 2011 by romanticcomedygirl

What did I promise you, Cowgirl? What did I promise you?!?!? NO MORE FIXER-UPPERS… and what did I do? Find myself a project that had been completely demolished and thought I could rebuild ‘just the foundation’… that’s it, just lay a little concrete.. no wooden beams, no hammer & nails, no saws… I just couldn’t help myself. Psychic told me that “rejection is God’s protection.” Well, he’s been trying to protect me for two weeks now, and I keep making excuses for IC every time he re-engages. I tell myself this guy is going through tough stuff and I should be sympathetic (bang in a nail), that he needs someone in his life to make him happy (put up a fresh coat of paint), his wounds need to heal (fill in with a little spakle) that I should be supportive of a friend in need (create an air duct). Well where’s my air duct? Does anyone care if I can breathe? I don’t need any spakle, my wounds aren’t that deep. I’m certainly too young for a fresh coat of paint… but as far as getting nailed.. yeah, bangin’ must be part of the deal! So….

I’m done with IC. I know he just has a stomach ache tonight. And I know it’s not personal that he texted me 5 minutes before I was about to leave for his place, to tell me he wasn’t feeling well. I also know that I was smart enough to not put my makeup on because I just had a feelin’. And because I’m sick and tired of this feeling and because acupuncture is making me feel so dang good, and in honor of my personal freedom returning tomorrow.. AKA I’m going to have a car again… I am going to turn this stomach ache into a torn abdomen, which will cause this relationship to ‘bleed out’ resulting in its death.

I think I need a new character in this blog The Therapist! Seriously! Why do I keep attracting guys who suck all of the beautiful light out of me. Then leave me dim. I want a man who wants to watch my light glow brighter and brighter until he’s so blinded that our light just becomes one which creates one big bright beautiful light. And as I remember from the Psyche classes I took in college, there are only so many problems, so if you work backwards, you can find a cause for any pattern you may have. There are so many wonderful guys out there and I’m somehow blocking them from entering my atmosphere, because I’d rather fly around space cleaning up debris. WTF, y’all?

Maybe it’s not the ‘guys’ I’m attracted to, but the ‘story’… after all, I am Romantic Comedy Girl. Shady had the ‘psychic story’ and I really thought that would be a cool one for the grandkids, until I realized I was going to have to have kids with that train wreck in order to have grandkids. IC would have been a great story too. “A Camper and his Counselor reunite decades later to find love.” Good log line, but let’s face it, the number of ‘false endings’ this rom com is having is way beyond the typical structure and not in a good way. I don’t want to live a story which would get awful coverage from CAA!

Okay, so now, Therapist? Nah. I’m thinking Love Coach… I’ve got to know one of those. And if not, one of the Superfriends has got to know one of those. And if not, one of YOU have got to know one of those. YES, I need a Love Coach character. She is going to tell me how to get a man. And I don’t mean any of that ‘Rules Book’ crap. No games, no lists of my dream man’s qualities, no online profiling. I just mean- who I have to be to stop attracting fixer uppers, or what rehab program I have to get into to stop wanting to find the most broken birds I possibly can so I can glue their feathers on, one by one.

It happened somewhere between First Love and First Boy Toy, because First Love was not a fixer upper, he was a good looking, confident, smart (and I’m not just writing this because I know he reads this even though he told me he’d stop) ambitious, goal oriented, focused guy who knew what he wanted… which at the time was not a crazy actress who wanted to move to California.  Then there was the decade of boy toys where I had no emotional connection whatsoever. And then a string of boyfriends AKA fixer-uppers.

Something happened along the way to happily ever after… and it is my mission to discover what it is so I can have the love story I deserve! Love Coach… I’m summoning you out there in the universe, come to me…

©2011

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